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A ten year marriage and just found out my husband is looking at men

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  • A ten year marriage and just found out my husband is looking at men

    I desperately need some advice concerning my husband and my marriage.
    Ive been married for ten years and have two children with himm aged 5 and 7 and two children from a previous relationship aged 12 and 14.
    The marriage has been difficult from day one, I fell pregnant with my daughter quite quickly after getting married and I noticed a very big decline in his sexual needs. I often noticed he would stay in bed on a morning for longer than usual and he admitted later that he was seeing to himself. The frustration in our sexual life became increasingly more apparent as time grew. I am lucky if he comes near me more than one a month. The longest has been 9 weeks.
    I was looking through some paperwork online in January of this year and came across a horrifying amount of gay porn, his facebook page was open and when I looked on it, he had been looking at pages such as 'my sissy secret' gay chavs, anal fisting, and lady boys. There was loads of it. Weve talked several times and has admitted he was co fused for about three years, however I dont believe it, I think there is more to it. What do I do? This isnt exactly something you can talk to your famiky about.

  • If he is gay, that is to say if he is only sexually interested in men, then it will be difficult ot maintain your marriage. If he is bisexual, that is attracted to men and women, then it may not need to be so bad. Most married men (and women) are attracted to people other than their spouses, the just (hopefully) act on that attraction.

    People have very differing opinions on porn and masturbation (see the many threads on this site). If that is something that is OK with you, the IF he is bisexual, there isn't really a problem with him masturbating to gay porn IF he is still interested in being intimate with you.

    I think you need to try to talk and get honest answers. Is he gay or bi? If you are willing to tolerate his bisexual interests (not actions), then will that remove some of the stress so you can have a good sex life together again?

    People see to have little control over their orientation, so however unfortunate this is, it my not be something he can change.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by shim4279 View Post
      I desperately need some advice concerning my husband and my marriage.
      Ive been married for ten years and have two children with himm aged 5 and 7 and two children from a previous relationship aged 12 and 14.
      The marriage has been difficult from day one, I fell pregnant with my daughter quite quickly after getting married and I noticed a very big decline in his sexual needs. I often noticed he would stay in bed on a morning for longer than usual and he admitted later that he was seeing to himself. The frustration in our sexual life became increasingly more apparent as time grew. I am lucky if he comes near me more than one a month. The longest has been 9 weeks.
      I was looking through some paperwork online in January of this year and came across a horrifying amount of gay porn, his facebook page was open and when I looked on it, he had been looking at pages such as 'my sissy secret' gay chavs, anal fisting, and lady boys. There was loads of it. Weve talked several times and has admitted he was co fused for about three years, however I dont believe it, I think there is more to it. What do I do? This isnt exactly something you can talk to your famiky about.
      Well Shim this comes down to really needing to have this serous talk with your husband. I don't mean like a couple hours with kids at school or something like that if you can send the kids to grand parents house for the weekend after you let husband know that you both need to talk now and you sending the kids away. I am a up front person myself you need to be as well you know something is wrong he's looking at gay porn so he's thinking about it. So if you can plain this little meeting then come out and ask him what the blank is going on you need answer now has he been with any guys do you need to go be test for a STD'S. This is very serous stuff is your husband willing to go seek professional help with his sexually feeling towards men with you along with him. I mean do you want to keep this marriage a float or are you just ready to throw the towel in and move on those are question you need to ask your self. But you coming onto this site you willing to save this marriage was this just a phase for your husband. I wish you the very best Shim and you able to work this all out for your self and the kids.But the main thing does your husband still want to be married to you those answer you will get with the heart to heart chat that you have with your husband good luck and god bless.
      When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

      Comment


      • Thank you for the advice, im definitely not ok with the idea of him being bi or gay, I feel that ten years has just completely gone down the drain. He states that his three year itch has gone and he now knows he wants me, but I feel like he is lying. I honestly think im his wardrobe!

        Comment


        • If it feels like he's lying, he probably is. Sorry - I don't really have much advice to offer. Tough situation.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

          Comment


          • I hope 10 years has not "gone down the drain". A relationship or a marriage should be something that is generally an overall source of happiness, or you shouldn't be in the relationship. At worst your relationship has ended and you are free to find another. I don't think this somehow ruins what you have had.

            Comment


            • Do you love him as a person? If so, and as the Father of two of your children, that doesn't have to change.

              Maybe as things moved so fast for the pair of you when you met, you fell into marriage and that is honourable on his behalf, maybe he saw himself as a husband, father but had confusion, not something he could have talked to you about way back then, as he didn't know you well enough, things happened.

              I agree with Corey. It doesn't have to ruin what you have as two people and as parents. Sometimes people aren't as suited as they think for loads of reasons. But still care and have love.

              I can understand this would be a real shock to you, upset you, feel anger even. Take some time out and breathe, then have a proper conversation with him about your directions, together or apart and if you love him "as a person" then tell him as well.. I've seen marriage break-ups form into the most wonderful friendships of two people caring and sharing still their lives and present problems or questions and are happier, to be free to be who they really are.

              I don't know what else to say other than be strong and know that there is a life for everyone of happiness out there.
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • As rcoreyus wrote, the last ten years have not gone down the drain. You have two children with him and he was a father figure to your two other children. I can understand the pain that you are feeling. But, before you leave your marriage and go through the emotional and economic pain of divorce, look at this from another perspective. Instead of making this about you -- make it about him.

                Looking at gay porn sites does not make someone gay. People are born gay. Fantasy is fantasy. Most people who look at porn will never do any of those things on the screen. Everything he told you may be true. Having 2 children immediately after marrying you and one immediately on the way, his sex life changed overnight. He might have looked at gay porn one night and gotten turned on and wondered .... am I gay? That could have been a nightmare for three years, especially having to keep it bottled inside of him. Nothing suggests that he acted upon any of it.

                Now that it is out in the open (he didn't hide it very well, so there may be a cry for help here) give this some time to deal with. Encourage him to go to individual therapy and get all of his doubts resolved. You and he should go to marriage counseling and see if there is a way to resolve this. Find out if there is anything else. A moderated discussion with a therapist can be very helpful. Therapy could bring the two of you closer. You married him for a reason ... give him the benefit of the doubt.

                I wish you two the best.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment


                • Thank you all for your kind advice. He has at present moved down the country to London for work for the next month, which is perfect for both of use and its gives us that all important breather. Ill see how things stand when he returns.

                  Comment


                  • Shim, I understand you mean gives you both time to think about the importance of your relationship and where it stands.

                    But, don't ignore him over that period of time, time is the essence here for any decision to be made.

                    Wishing you well and would love to hear back from you in June.
                    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                    Comment


                    • This is an issue you can only discuss with him. You mentioned the problem to him but you didn’t go into details so it’s not surprising that you are still confused. Get him to accept who he is, because it is not possible to not know what sort of orientation he has and after then, see what it is to be done. You can talk to a therapist or an astrologer about your compatibility with him and what chances you have with him in the future.

                      Comment


                      • Yeah, it sounds like he is gay. Did he come from a tough religious background? If so, then maybe they made him ashamed of being gay, and has been married to either convince his family or himself, or is still afraid to come out for whatever reason. I'm sorry, but he doesn't play for your team.

                        Comment

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