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Lost, Scared, Sad, and worried

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  • Lost, Scared, Sad, and worried

    I bottle things in. That's my issue as of right now.
    I have my reasons, and here is the ordeal.
    I had an open mind, and an open heart when I met him 3 years ago. He was divorced with two daughters (11 & 13). We ended up getting full custody because they had an unfit mother.

    I met him and 5 months later we were married.
    I had red flags, but I chose to ignore them.
    4 months into our marriage, I found out I was pregnant.

    I get no support. If I ask for help with something it will hardly get done. If I ask about it he will call me names and tell me that he is going back to his home state.
    I tried to raise his daughters with respect, love, direction and rules. I love them as if they are my own flesh and blood. He always gave in and is more of a friend then a parent.

    He is manipulative, and will try to make me feel bad if I speak my mind, or say something that I don't agree with. He is angry, and disrespectful.

    I saw a sexual text message.... I confronted the woman via phone that stated she had sexual encounters with him in our Apartment home. He said he never did.
    I played the fool and stayed with him because I was pregnant at the time with our Daughter.

    He has continued to speak with other women numerous times on-line via chat rooms (on the phone/ipod) in a sexual manor. His own daughters, has found texts between him and another woman and had told me about he. He has blown it off and turned it around on me.

    We now live with my mom. She has seen how he acts and of course does not approve. She thought I was on his side and she was getting so upset. I finally broke down yesterday and stated... I married the wrong guy. I didn't give her all the details and she stated that she is on my side.

    He thinks counseling is a joke. He has told me he needs to step up, but never does. It's always "I will do this..." all talk....
    He see's an unattractive person , makes comments about them (They can't hear him) but he does it around his teens. (they are the same way)
    I was always taught.. if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. I don't want my youngest daughter to learn those bad habits. It's mean.
    I do my best not to curse in front of me teens or the baby and I do slip. Though, the teens curse left and right... so does my husband.

    Last night we had an argument about him helping me. He called me names and told me not to talk to him. He did nothing and slept the day away.
    Last night I slept in a different room and did not speak to him at all today.

    I'm exausted mentally. I work full time and do my best to take care of our teens, the baby (She's 2) , the cooking and cleaning.

    If I bring all of this up, he will turn it around on me, and somehow make me look like the bad person.
    I'm not. All I have done was do my best to keep it cool, put on that happy face, love, and be the best I can be.
    I'm a doormat...

    and I'm lost.

  • I am not the most fit person to give you advice on this matter, but divorce seems like the solution? The guy seems terrible though. Sometimes, the BEST person will end up with the worst partner. Though in your case he is not a partner, he is a parasite. He has some nerve to live with your mom and still disrespect you.
    [B]"Are you serious? You're [i]bleeping[/I] THAT girl?"[/B][B] - [COLOR="#B22222"]jen1447[/COLOR][/B]

    Comment


    • Welcome to WH sweet.

      You wrote that from your heart, more like a Diary note to self.

      Then re-read it and re-read it again and again.

      Your Mother is your Mother, she is blood. She's older, she's wiser so she can see without you telling her anything.

      You are home, he needs to go, you will be able to keep in touch with the teenagers .

      Your heart is heavy and your sound depressed and the longer you stay around the worse you are going to get, your child being so young can feel your pain and see it and this is a happy time for you and your little one, watching the baby grow.

      I am going to be blunt. Why you chose him is your choice and we do make mistakes, sometimes through lonliness, sometimes through the sheer will of wanting to believe we are finally getting married and it's going to be good. Deep down we know because something is niggling at us and telling us. It's called intuition but we ignore it.

      He chose a wife, not love. He chose to use, not give. He chose to have someone work, bring in money, hold a house-hold together help with his kids, give him affection, sex, food.... And you've worked that out.

      When someone goes out of their way to manipulate, put down, their intentions is to bring them to their lowest so they feel it's all their fault, they are bad, in the wrong, no good. A person who feels that tends to stay where they are as no one else will want them.

      It's your turn to shine, turn back the clock, see yourself before you met him, how you were, the things you laughed about, loved, your strength and bring it all forward talk to your Mother as you did here and get on with getting him out of your life for good. Apart from him seeing his child.

      You deserve happiness. Love.. You will have it first with your Mother and child. It will all come together after that as time goes on.

      Get him out.
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • Say goodbye and turn the page. A better guy is out there.
        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

        Comment


        • It's tough... thank you all.

          Comment


          • It IS tough chakra, even when you know it's best and right for you. Take some time to formulate a plan for yourself, reach some resolution within yourself. Good luck. We are here for support and guidance.

            Comment


            • What gets me.. I awful at expressing my feelings and thoughts.
              So I tried last night... I know all of the things I wanted to say.
              I tried my best...
              One thing that stuck with me... I don't think I should change diapers. She is 2. I don't want her to think it's okay for guys to look down there.
              Okay... she is 2. I understand your point, but she is 2... well 2 and 1/2
              Do you think it's a cop out?
              So he laid on the guilt... and turned things around on me. (per usual)
              With helping me out around the house... he said "I'm not a jump to guy"
              He said he was going to help me with the laundry. So there was 1 basket of HIS clothes. Just 1. it sat for a week.
              He did ask if I wanted him to leave.... and again... I said well no.
              What the heck is holding me?
              We do have a good time together. He did tell me to look through his phone and said he hasn't done anything. (I'm a tech geek so I can find his cleared data if he had some)
              I don't know...
              I do know he is depressed.
              I think of more things to say to him way after the fact.
              I just just simply say
              I want a husband that wants to support me, that wants to help me get things done and that is happy to be with me.
              Yeah... it's just that simple?

              Sorry... just venting.

              Comment


              • chakra - what is it that you want for yourself? Is it to be married, or is it to be fulfilled and happy?

                It sounds terrible, but I don't think you can have both staying with this man. It would be different if he was more open to working with you, working together, to make your marriage successful. Unfortunately, he's chosen a blaming path wherein he can do no wrong, and the issues you bring up are YOUR problem. This just simply isn't healthy, and until he chooses to open his mind and his heart, it isn't going to improve.

                Of COURSE you don't want to leave. That question he posed to you was a mind game... no one ever WANTS to have a failing marriage, no one WANTS to leave a spouse. However, we all deserve a partner in life and happiness, and if the spouse isn't on the same page, then yes, leaving is a viable option.

                So again, I'm not asking if you want to leave... I'm asking you, Chakra - what do you want out of your life? When you close your eyes and think of what happiness feels like, what do you see?

                Comment


                • I surmise from your post that you have been married for just about three years. How well did you know him prior to your marriage? Why did his other relationship not work out? Were the problems the same as now? Does he work and contribute to the household?

                  I'm just wonder if, when he met you, he was looking just for someone to first of all help take the burden of child rearing off of him. How does he participate in his childrens day-to-day activities, how about your child?

                  You say you are living with your Mother - do you and he pay rent to her or is it a free ride?

                  Someone must step up to the plate and be accountable. If he won't do it, then you will have to do it. Make plans for you and your child, first of all. If you feel you are the better parent for his children and that you could manage it - they come second. Your husband runs a sad third place right now.

                  If you want to stay married to him, you'll either have to accept his foibles or demand and work towards changes. The choice really is yours. Decide what you need out of life and how to get it.
                  That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                  Comment


                  • I am sorry that you are in this situation. The first thing is not to blame yourself. Many of us have made bad choices in marriage, myself included. We are usually blinded by the situation or the good qualities that come to the front during courtship. Once married the real qualities come out.

                    It is a terrible situation. You are having to choose between a man who treats you badly and losing the father of your child and potentially losing the two teens that you love so much. Objectively, there is only one choice. Going through life disrespected by your husband for the sake of the children will be a vastly more difficult life. He is unwilling to help (the diaper comment is ridiculous -- changing diapers is NOT sexual nor will his daughter even remember it) and unwilling to go to therapy to work on the marriage. If he hasn't cheated already, he will. And then he will blame you for his weakness.

                    You know the answer. Make sure that he will support his child and kick him out!!
                    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Claret View Post
                      I surmise from your post that you have been married for just about three years. How well did you know him prior to your marriage? Why did his other relationship not work out? Were the problems the same as now? Does he work and contribute to the household?

                      I'm just wonder if, when he met you, he was looking just for someone to first of all help take the burden of child rearing off of him. How does he participate in his childrens day-to-day activities, how about your child?

                      You say you are living with your Mother - do you and he pay rent to her or is it a free ride?

                      Someone must step up to the plate and be accountable. If he won't do it, then you will have to do it. Make plans for you and your child, first of all. If you feel you are the better parent for his children and that you could manage it - they come second. Your husband runs a sad third place right now.

                      If you want to stay married to him, you'll either have to accept his foibles or demand and work towards changes. The choice really is yours. Decide what you need out of life and how to get it.
                      We met online... He dated before hand. He was married to his ex for 10 years. I was told that she cheat on him, and how the girls spoke out their mother she is not all there mentally.
                      He does work full time. he does help with the bills.
                      So tonight I will run this by him... "I want a husband that wants to support me, that wants to help me get things done and that is happy to be with me"

                      He is just lazy and selfish to a good extent.
                      If he is up for therapy, I have plan to go see one 1st. I guess it can't hurt right.

                      Again, my main concern is my children and really not myself. But I see what people are saying... Since I'm not in it for myself, I'm only hurting my kids.

                      Comment


                      • Hey hon, I played the on-line dating for a while and I guess I agree to a "degree", that in general they don't work out. For the most part the guys seemed to have baggage and others targeted vulnerable women where otherwise, perhaps they would not be able to meet in the real world. But, the internet is still the real world as in we do actually meet "real" people. It's just a bit dicey what you will find.

                        Those that go for the vulnerable that they can control or think that they can, generally start of with a sob story to string that woman into their lives. I guess your heart went to him when he told you that. Long marriage, only ended because he was cheated on and his children state their Mother is not all together there.

                        He commits financially but not emotionally.

                        Let's say she did cheat on him. Perhaps she felt the same way as you. Perhaps he's not a committed person, can stay with a person that's evident, but can't commit to what constitutes a relationship, just sees a woman as someone who cleans, cooks, lays in bed next to him, like a Mother only sex is involved.

                        Marriage counselling is what he needs .

                        Your main concern love should be both because you can see that, if you are not happy they will not be happy.
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                        Comment

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