Intimacy styles

[CheekyNess]

So, last night was the first evening in ages (probably almost a year) that I've initiated anything. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt that I should. Once again, I really didn't enjoy anything about it, and afterwards, decided to broach the subject of intimacy styles, and whether what he does is his actual style. Guess what? After almost 2 years together, I find out that nope, his style is much different than what he's been doing, and he just didn't want to offend me by bringing it up (these are the words he used). I'm his wife; why does he think he'll offend me by saying something to the strain of, "hey, why don't we try something different?" So, I let him know that I'm not a huge fan of intimacy as of late, and that I was glad to hear that what we had been doing can change. Here's hoping to enjoy intimacy once again!

He also said that he still considers himself really new to the world of sex. How can I, along with him, help him get over this hump, and maybe start exploring things a little more. I've suggested him watching a little porn, not for the sexuality of it, but more as a learning tool. I got into the world of sex fairly late in life, compared to many people I know. I was 26, and was completely freaked out, so I checked out some porn to see what could be learned. It helped quite a bit in that regard. He thinks that we should watch it together, and even though I don't have a problem doing so, I think it might be good for him to just check things out on his own first. We also have a kama sutra book and a sex book that his Mom (of all people) gave us. He's okay with looking at those too, but he would rather get hot and heavy, then dig out the books to choose a position. Does anyone find this a little different? I should probably note that we've done a grand total of 3 positions in our 2 years together. It took him a year and a half to be OK enough to add the third one in. As for me, I'm getting really tired of being the tag-along with the sex. Honestly, the only reason I do it at all is because I have to; we're married, and I don't have a choice. What I hope for him is that he gets more comfortable, and opens up the communication lines at some point, and I would like to enjoy intimacy again.

Sigh,
Thanks!

[effy2014]

I would never suggest porn as a learning tool. Most of it is incredibly unrealistic and treats women rather harshly. There is more to sexual intimacy than being pounded by a huge ********************. The Kama Sutra is an Asian philosophy as well as sexual positions. More advanced than you need.

Start with the basics about you and about him. I would start with being fulfilled before the variety of positions. How much does he know about your anatomy? Does he understand where your orgasms come from? Does he know how to relax you and get you in the mood? One first step may be having him help you masterbate to see it all in practice.

Do the two of you practice oral sex? Sensual massage? If not, there are some very good books (I might start with She Comes First by Ian Kerner). Browse through Amazon's vast sex book library and find things that interest you. The same goes for him.

Once you orgasm regularly through any means, then start adding things. You can read through this forum and get a world of good (and some bad) ideas.

[Baboy]

Whatever works, I guess, but I find myself in respectful agreement with effy when he questions porn as a learning tool. I would expect it to hinder more than help.

I have not read Kerner's book, but it is widely recommended and I would think time would be better spent reading from sources such as that, that are well-known and widely respected.

[jen1447]

Are you saying you find your three positions boring and would enjoy sex and intimacy more if you got a little more freaky, or that you're just not feeling it at all with him? I think the answers will come from having a good idea what the problems are.

On the porn question, I'll respectfully disagree with the boys. He can watch it alone if he wants, but there should be some together porn in there to foster the notion that it's a couples thing. You don't want him looking at it in the context of a teenager hiding in his room and beating off. As to the nature of what porn viewing can do for you, look at it as a sex aid - you can in fact learn some alternative positions if that's what you're looking for, but it's not going to go down like it does in porn. (You don't have a director after all lol.) But that shouldn't stop you from trying and having fun with it and being and feeling silly, which will encourage sexual bonding and promote what you actually need - an increased sense of intimacy.

[DreamP346]

There is helpful porn and not so helpful porn. The usual mainstream porn that you are likely to stumble upon are the ones that will do more harm. I suggest looking at the Sinclair Institute. They have lots of graphic videos that are made to be helpful. Also, try feminist porn or female-friendly porn. They tend to have more "normal" sex that isn't the usual gang band, double penetration, etc stuff.

The book I recommend to everybody is Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides. It's simple, funny and makes sure to cover a little bit of everything. This is the book every teenager/young person should read. It's also a fun book to read together.

[CheekyNess]

I agree, there's much more to intimacy than that, but that's not really what I was referring to. When I got into the world of sex, 12 years ago, I watched porn a little bit to get to know how to do some of the positions. It wasn't the be all, end all of education for me, but it helped me to become a little less cumbersome in bed, and a little more comfortable with what I was doing. I also did a lot of reading, because I was curious, and also because I wanted to please my partner. For some reason, even though hubs says that he would like to learn new things, he really doesn't take the initiative to do so.

I don't really think that most men (mine included) know much about the female anatomy! I say this because I've been with some pretty experienced men, and none of them have been able to gt me to experience the big O with them. Maybe it's me, but I can get myself off in just a couple minutes. My husband is 44 (42-year old virgin when we started dating), and he knows next to nothing about this subject. He's a teacher, and I thought that he would also be fairly direct to teach things to, but oh-no, not so. I've given him hints, tips, explained things time and again, and it hasn't really improved things.

Relaxing is a problem; I don't do that easily. I'm a highly-stressed, anxious person, and don't know how to get myself relaxed, let along him knowing how to do that. Getting me in the mood... no to that as well. We don't practice oral sex or sensual massage.

One thing that's been a little weird lately as well, is the last 4 times, he hasn't ejaculated, but has told me that he thought that he had. While it doesn't really bother me too much, I do think it's weird that #1, this hasn't happened, and #2, he unsure if he's cum or not. Is this a common thing for men? I've never run into this before.

There is more to sexual intimacy than being pounded by a huge ****************************************.

How much does he know about your anatomy? Does he understand where your orgasms come from? Does he know how to relax you and get you in the mood? One first step may be having him help you masterbate to see it all in practice.

Do the two of you practice oral sex? Sensual massage? If not, there are some very good books (I might start with She Comes First by Ian Kerner). Browse through Amazon's vast sex book library and find things that interest you. The same goes for him.

Once you orgasm regularly through any means, then start adding things. You can read through this forum and get a world of good (and some bad) ideas.

[CheekyNess]

Jen, yes, a little boring after 2 years of nothing new to add to the routine! I don't enjoy getting freaky between the sheets, but adding a little more than missionary, girl on top, and a really odd version of doggy where he doesn't move much, would be nice. To be honest, sex went downhill after marriage, and there were many times when we felt more like roommates who shared a bed. We also went through a really tough time about 3 months after the wedding where he was so stressed that he didn't think he could be married and work full time, at the same time. So, he was going to quit his really awesome job. He also didn't give me the entire story about whether or not he wanted kids, and I didn't find out that he does want them until 5 months after the wedding. So, all of that combined kind of made me go, "holy macaroni, what did I do?!", and pull back quite a lot. Sex took a backseat to getting through the mess, and it's now something that I really care much about at all.

As for the porn, I really would prefer to have him watch some by himself first, just to get more of a feel for how things go in certain positions. I do agree that watching some together would be good too, but I have a feeling that it would be a "let's get hot and heavy" event rather than the epiphany of "oh, that's how that goes!".

I am aware that we should probably see a counsellor together to get over some of these things, and get help with the intimacy portion of the relationship, but we've both been recovering financially from the cost of the big wedding that he had wanted, and I really don't have the extra funds to fork over for therapy at this time. I also have put aside a business start-up in favour of the wedding, and am saving up to make a career move as well.

Are you saying you find your three positions boring and would enjoy sex and intimacy more if you got a little more freaky, or that you're just not feeling it at all with him? I think the answers will come from having a good idea what the problems are.

On the porn question, I'll respectfully disagree with the boys. He can watch it alone if he wants, but there should be some together porn in there to foster the notion that it's a couples thing. You don't want him looking at it in the context of a teenager hiding in his room and beating off. As to the nature of what porn viewing can do for you, look at it as a sex aid - you can in fact learn some alternative positions if that's what you're looking for, but it's not going to go down like it does in porn. (You don't have a director after all lol.) But that shouldn't stop you from trying and having fun with it and being and feeling silly, which will encourage sexual bonding and promote what you actually need - an increased sense of intimacy.

[effy2014]

I don't really think that most men (mine included) know much about the female anatomy! I say this because I've been with some pretty experienced men, and none of them have been able to gt me to experience the big O with them. Maybe it's me, but I can get myself off in just a couple minutes. My husband is 44 (42-year old virgin when we started dating), and he knows next to nothing about this subject. He's a teacher, and I thought that he would also be fairly direct to teach things to, but oh-no, not so. I've given him hints, tips, explained things time and again, and it hasn't really improved things.

Relaxing is a problem; I don't do that easily. I'm a highly-stressed, anxious person, and don't know how to get myself relaxed, let along him knowing how to do that. Getting me in the mood... no to that as well. We don't practice oral sex or sensual massage.

One thing that's been a little weird lately as well, is the last 4 times, he hasn't ejaculated, but has told me that he thought that he had. While it doesn't really bother me too much, I do think it's weird that #1, this hasn't happened, and #2, he unsure if he's cum or not. Is this a common thing for men? I've never run into this before.

There are men who take the time to learn a woman's body. Thankfully there are a number of great books out there for it. Since he is a teacher, give him reading assignments. Also, this is not the time for hints and tips. Spend a moment giving him a hands on lecture, like one would teach a person how to swing a golf club. Show him how you like your clitoris rubbed. I also encourage you to have him start giving you oral -- he may quickly become addicted and you will have far more satisfaction.

Think about establishing a routine. Maybe its taking a bath before sex night and lighting a few candles. Create a mood. Kiss for a good amount of time and let him explore before the "main event". Routines may take away some of the spontaneity but could be a good transition between the stress of the day and a night of good sex.

The ejaculation issue is uncommon but I think he really knows whether he did or not. He may just be embarrassed. I am sure that he is feeling the pressure of your dissatisfaction and his current inability to do anything about it. That is why I advocate cunilingus. If he spends some time learning good technique, he can have great results and feel really good about himself.

[jen1447]

I don't really think that most men (mine included) know much about the female anatomy! I say this because I've been with some pretty experienced men, and none of them have been able to gt me to experience the big O with them. Maybe it's me, but I can get myself off in just a couple minutes. My husband is 44 (42-year old virgin when we started dating), and he knows next to nothing about this subject. He's a teacher, and I thought that he would also be fairly direct to teach things to, but oh-no, not so. I've given him hints, tips, explained things time and again, and it hasn't really improved things.

Hmmm. Well, the fact is there actually are some people who are just plain no good at sex, ever. Can't learn, never make a connection and so on.

Relaxing is a problem; I don't do that easily. I'm a highly-stressed, anxious person, and don't know how to get myself relaxed, let along him knowing how to do that. Getting me in the mood... no to that as well. We don't practice oral sex or sensual massage.

I hear this quite a bit and honestly I think that the most common cause is putting the cart before the horse. You really shouldn't define sex as x y z, penetrate, breath heavily, have orgasm, etc. If you instead look it as just intimacy, you'll have better luck. There should be fooling around, playfulness, laughter, fun. There doesn't even have to be genitals involved really, and orgasms for either of you aren't required. If you look at it that way you're bound to have better luck relaxing.

One thing that's been a little weird lately as well, is the last 4 times, he hasn't ejaculated, but has told me that he thought that he had. While it doesn't really bother me too much, I do think it's weird that #1, this hasn't happened, and #2, he unsure if he's cum or not. Is this a common thing for men? I've never run into this before.

fwiw, I've never known a man to cum who wasn't aware of it, even if it wasn't ultra-powerful. Women are much different that way in that our orgasms can vary so widely in intensity, pleasure center, duration, frequency, etc. (We can have those little mini "Oh! - Did I just cum?" ones as well as all kinds of others.)

So anyway you're saying you don't want freakyness but do you want more than missionary, girl on top, and weird doggy? Are you looking for suggestions on what else to try? I really think the positions should stem from general playfulness - for example, when I'm with BF we don't say "Up next - 5 minutes of 69 - go!" It just sort of happens. The best sex usually goes that way, it's spontaneous and the reasons for getting into whatever position should be rather fluid rather than like you're following a playbook. Sometimes we'll go from doggy to reverse cowgirl for example just because I push back hard enough on him that I knock him back down on the bed, then I try to stay on him and voila - there you are. That's the idea anyway. Don't schedule any moves.

[LilahX]

You've given yourself the answer already : the key to intimacy (sexual and emotional) is communication. It's hard but if you can work in it, it's so worth it. I was in a marraige for 24 years where we never talked much, about anything, so when I got into a new r/ship with a guy who constantly says 'talk to me' I had no idea how to go about it. With his support and encouragement we can now talk about everything, easy and difficult topics. A good sex life is something that is developed together and it's wonderful that you're both willing to put in the effort it takes to make things good. Whether it's porn, or books or reading articles, as long as you're doing it together, with an open mind and honest dialogue I know you're gonna end up with a mindblowing sex life - good luck!