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show me some love too

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  • show me some love too

    My husband and i have been together 3 years and just recentlh had our first child 2 months ago. And right before,we had our son he switched jobs from working 8 hr days to being gone 14 hours at evening/night. He comes home and sleeps until time to go to work. And he sleeps most of the day saturdays. I feel like i am a single mom here taking care of our son. Even on the weekends he doesnt take,initiative to feed change and just hold and love on,him. And through the week he is always wanting oral sex it doesbt always say it,verbally but makes it known. I feel like sometimes i am just too tired or mostly the fact i hardly see him id like for him to just hold onto me tell me he has missed me love on me and our son rather than just work sleep and want oral sex constantly. Ive tried to please him with just ohysical intamicy sex and he makes me feel like that is not enough. I do for him constantly making his lunch,for,work getting his clothes out making sure he has clean laundry and send him pix and updates of our son (in which he hardly talks or asks about while away at work). Help me out here please.

  • Your husband sounds like he's a bit of a disinterested father, and husband, at present.

    A few questions if we may: Was this was a planned pregnancy? Did he want to become a father, or was fatherhood thrust upon him? I ask not by way of excuse for him, since he was just as much a part of becoming a parent as were you, but it might lend some perspective. Also, if I may, what approximate ages are you and husband. As for his work, you mention 14-hour shifts. If he worked 8-hr. days before, was that for 5 days a week? I would expect he does not put in 5 shifts of 14 hours, or does he? And one more, are you also working outside the home?

    A little more detail might evoke better advice.
    I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.


    • Yes it was a planned pregnancy we were trying a year before we finally got pregnant. We both got,checked if it were possible for,us to have kids. Also yes he does work 5 days 12.5 hrs buts with travel is,gone aprox 14 hrs a day. And the 8 hr shifts were also 8 hours. I am a stay at home,mom for now. I am 22 and he will be 24 this month. Thank you for,your help!


      • Can I ask a few questions:

        Why did he change jobs just before your child was born? I am curious if he thinks that the job change was to have more money for your family now that there is a child.

        Have the two of you talked about this issue? What has he said?

        Anon -- The most important part of any relationship is communication. You are feeling unappreciated as a wife and a mother. Without that appreciation and a connection to your husband, you do not have the desire for the level of intimacy that he wants. For him, working 12.5 hours a day plus traveling another 1.5 hours to the jopb is certainly not fun. New fathers (especially young ones) often feel overwhelmed with the new responsibilities and do not react well for the first few months.

        You need to tell him how you feel and allow (encourage or even demand) that he share his feelings with you. When you understand how he is feeling, the two of you should be able to find a way that both of your needs can be met.
        Last edited by effy2014; 07-16-2014, 01:56 PM. Reason: I posted before reading BaBoy's post
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


        • I worked at a hospital as an aide and went on leave before anticipated. Our son was almost 10lbs and i had diabetes that all led to a c section couldnt afford to stay off work i carried insurance and didn't have enough pto. With him working long hours and me would have been working 12s itd be hard to find a sitter for such long hours. I wanted our son to have his parents around and not growing up in a day care also being a new mom i dont want to miss out on anything with our son. I have tried talking too him but he isnt easy to listen when,it comes to things like this. He has always had a hard time communicating with me.


          • We're starting to gather the facts that might provide some useful suggestions. As Master effy asked, was the job change financially motivated? It sounds as though such might be the case.

            My initial impression here is that you are both quite young and, while the birth was planned, you are struggling somewhat with finances, added to the inevitable stresses of being new parents. You remaining in the home no doubt has contributed to the financial stress. I would nonetheless support you in that if you can pull it off. I am sufficiently old fashioned that I believe a child receives great benefit from having a full-time parent around, particularly in the early years.

            While your husband may have hard a hard time communicating in the past, he will now have to put that behind him for the betterment of the family unit. Demand if necessary, as effy says. Without it, it sounds as though little will change, you'll become more resentful and the distance between you will grow. That will not redound to the benefit of your child. Demand, get counseling, do whatever it takes to open up communication so each of you can respond to the other's needs and those of your son.
            I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.


            • So he went from working short day shifts, to long evening/overnight shifts? Am I correct? Then driving a fair distance after that long shift?
              I'm very familiar with shift work, as I've done it for years. It takes a toll on your body, your mind, even as a young, energetic person. It takes months to fully adjust to an "off schedule" shift, and sleeping is difficult. Getting good quality sleep is a challenge. I suspect one issue here is just exhaustion & fatigue from this schedule change. When you're in the middle of it, you don't always realize how foggy your mind is, and all the things in life you're missing. Many times I've felt I was sleep walking through daily activities-never fully aware & "sharp" mentally.

              Does he have any time off coming up? You do need to have a discussion about this. If he isn't listening, and isn't communicating, all the more reason you need to be communicating & making some efforts to open the dialogue. It could be that you need to change your manner of approach to the topic, and certainly don't attempt it when he's exhausted.

              And remember, this isn't a matter of who's at fault. Think about the hours in a day, and the hours he has outside of work-that's only about 10 per day on workdays. He needs 7-8 hrs to rest & try to rejuvenate from those long hours. Then think about a shower, eating & taking care of basic human needs (which sexual release is among) - he simply has little time for any personal time for himself, with you or the baby.

              I suspect there are other issues to address, but I think this is a consideration. It could be he needs to reassess the job situation or some other arrangements can be made. I'm not suggesting the schedule & subsequent exhaustion are sufficient reason to neglect his wife & baby.


              • Yes he switched jobs for,the money and,also did not like where he was at. Yes you are correct about the shift changes. His drive is only 30 mins but likes to leave early in case of traffic. He comes home,showers and goes to bed he always gets at least 7 hours of sleep and sleeps through everything including baby and alarms. Ive tried to get him to wake up earlier than just an hour to get ready but its next to impossible. With all the hours during the week i dobnt see him its hard to talk without distraction or in a hurry to be somewhere. Its hard to get him to sit down and listen to me. Even on the weekends he wants to go go go. Ive tried to just stay home and relax watch a movie and just have our own family time without going somewhere or people coming over. Sometimes our families make is hard to do thay esp with a new baby they are always wqnting to see our son which is understandable but we need time as a family on our own as well. And they find that hard to do i guess. I know i need to talk to him but to find the right time is hard.


                • It's hard to get him to sit down and listen to me. Even on the weekends he wants to go go go.
                  My turn Sorry love. So he sleeps on the weekend to catch up as well but then he wants to go,go,go. As in what?

                  I have to commend him for trying to be the financial provider to his family, as that is what he is doing. I also worked double shifts for most of my life and all I wanted to do was come home, be alone and sleep.

                  I also understand totally that you want to be that Mom there, all the time for your new baby and want that family that smile, talk, play together.

                  I agree with Kitty that he would be exhausted but also perhaps, feels he was thrown into something he can't handle?

                  Would you consider after the bubs is 12 months old to get a part time job back in your field, to give maybe some relief so you all can be more of a family?

                  I get the feeling if he wasn't working so many hours he would have more energy and feel better in himself.

                  If you throw yourself into work and I'm a work-a-holic, so I'm speaking from experience, it's not that easy to then find time to be happy, bubbly and take time out. I do, because I understand what constitutes a relationship but then, I'm double your age
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                  • I do appreciate all the hours he is putting in. I am also going to school well online full time as well. I want to get out of healthcare all together. I do plan on going back to work when our son is a little older. My sister is wanting to get a job and asked if i could wqtch her kids if she paid me id told her id be glad to do so. Id get to have someone to talk to help me with the baby and also be making money at home.Financially we are ok. My husband told me about an opening at his job that may be coming open i asked if it were the same hours and he said yes and it was more money. I told him i dont care about the money. I would rather be a family and my son and i to have him around more but my husband doesnt seem to mind or just doesnt show it. And go go go as in always wanting to go places and do things which we cant always do. He says lets go see a movie,so and so can watch him. But to me it just seems like he always wants to pawn our son of and live the life we had before him free to do what we want. Perwonally i feel like the weekends should be family time and he should want to be more active and want to spend time,with us and esp our son.


                    • We empathize we both of you. It is very difficult to raise a child alone, but he really has no concept of that. It is very difficult to work the shift hours that he does and he will be very tired until he adjusts. As Kitty says, no one is at fault . . . each of you is contributing to the family the best way you can.

                      But that is why communication is essential. You must find the time. Working hours and raising kids alone is what killed my SO's marriage. She felt completely alone and unappreciated and just couldn't take it anymore. You feel that way now and it is only going to get worse. As CW wrote, there are plenty of alternatives, but the two of you need to discuss everything. Now. Right now.

                      He needs to start being a contributing father, no matter how frightened he might be. Providing money is not enough. You need to be prepared to shoulder more of the child rearing burdens for at least the next year. You both have to work out alone and intimacy time. None of this can happen until you communicate.
                      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


                      • It sounds to me like you resent him working to support the family and you being home alone taking care of the baby. You have to remember he is working long hours to support you so you can stay home to care for the baby. And you say he wants to go on the weekends. Well yes! He worked hard all week. You need to give him a little attention without the baby there all the time. Nothing wrong with getting a sitter for a few hours. Alone time with the hubby is just as important and family time. It also give you some time away from baby. Don't force him or your gonna make it worse.



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