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husband addicted to porn

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  • husband addicted to porn

    I am at the worst crossroad of my life. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and have a 16 month old baby. A few months ago I found out he had been on webcam sex sites and escort review sites AGAIN. Before we got married, I had caught him with a secret email in which he was talking to several different women from porn / dating sites. He even had several conversations over the phone with some of these women. When I confronted him, he begged ,pleaded, apologized and swore it would never happen again. It did, at least 3 more times. Like an idiot, I stayed hoping this time would be different. A week before our wedding he received a phone call from a number in which "he had no idea who it was". I researched it and it was a woman from a personal ad on craigslist. He denied ever meeting up with her and said his coworker had given her his number. Like an idiot, I married him anyway. A few months ago I found webcam and escort review sites he had been looking at. I also learned by the history of these conversations, he had never stopped our entire relationship. I saw that one day after I had our son csection, he went home to "get new clothes" and was online pretending to be a woman sexually enticing men!! The details of some of these conversations were heartbreaking. "Lol my wife is asleep, door is locked who is ready?" In addition to all of this, he has not been intimate with me at all, he has turned me down for sex on numerous occasions, to the point of humiliation. He said his sex drive just isn't as high as mine. It was to the point where we had sex maybe once every 2 months and I always initiated and Jr was never really Into it. Now, I have told him I want a divorce as I cannot trust him. He says this is a porn addiction and has been seeing a counselor. I feel as if he is just going through the motions because he knows I'm serious this time. I ambtired of living in a loveless intimateless lonely marriage and I don't think counseling will fix or change what has alradycbeen done. Again, all it takes is one "I miss you" and I want to let him back but know I can't. It breaks my heart but am convinced he will never change?? Advice stay or go?

  • Go! It's not even the porno stuff hon, it's the lying. That's like a level that reaches serial lying. I'm sorry but there's never really any overcoming that. It's unfortunate, especially with baby, but there's only one answer here, and I assume we've only been told about a tenth of the story.

    You'll be okay.
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

    Comment


    • I read your post when you wrote it. Our stories are a bit different, but I imagine the feelings here are similar. It's hard for me to feel like I should reply to all the threads like these I've seen because I think my opinion's biased.

      When I read your story I think, "Ditch this jerk! He doesn't deserve you!" But that's the anger talking. I don't know you or your husband, just my situation.

      To me, webcamming and participating, Craigslist, women calling him...that's not porn anymore. Maybe it started there with an addiction, but it crossed a line at some point.

      Has he done anything with counseling to change or taken any other steps to repair the damage? Have you started the divorce process?

      Comment


      • It is very difficult for us to vote whether you should stay or go based on one post. Jen is right on an objective basis . . . no one should put up with that. Crystalblue, about to give birth to her third child is going through a similar issue with her husband, who has a very addictive personality. She has given her husband several chances.

        Only you can decide this based upon your feelings. Are you really done? My question is why the two of you are not in couples marital therapy. The only way to rebuild the trust is for him to come completely clean to you, give you a credible reason why this has happened and the two of you have a concrete plan to go forward. I don't see how that can happen outside of couples therapy.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • I would go. He swore to stop when he was first caught, but didn't. You caught him three additional times, but stayed with him, and now he's up to it again, because he knows he will be forgiven. I know it's easier for someone on the outside to say to move on, but I really think you should. Yes, you have feelings for him, but you can find someone who loves you back, and who will be way more intimate with you. You deserve better than this. Yes you may have to see him because of the baby (congratulations by the way), but just make it about the baby. There is someone out there for you who will treat you way better than this.

          Comment


          • I think effy has assessed it nicely. Difficult indeed for anyone here to state what would be best for you. If there was no infant involved, I might simply join in with Jen and say it's not even worth trying. But, given the new baby in the situation, I would probably take a try with the therapy recommended by effy.
            I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

            Comment


            • Hmmm...I may cause some controversy with this response, but it is my honest opinion, so sorry to the offended.
              Contrary to what the majority recommends, I say stay. Only one caveat to this though. Stay if, and only if, he's a good father. If he's not, he's useless and the decision to leave should be obvious and easy. Now, back to the "stay" advice. I understand and agree that your sexual satisfaction, relationship strength, and overall happiness as a woman is extremely important and you're entitled to search and obtain all that. However, my opinion stems from the concept of assumption of risk/responsibility. You clearly knew about this man's behavior. He did this multiple times and you still made the conscious decision not just to marry him, but to also have a child with him. Once a child is involved, I am of the opinion that the parent's satisfaction, comfort, relationship success, and "spousal happiness" comes in second. The priority should be to make sure the child has a stable strong family base that would increase his/her chances to succeed in life. This should be (IMHO) the goal even if it means hard personal sacrifices. Now, dont misunderstand this to mean that a spouse should put up with all sorts of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. Of course not. That would not provide the child with the family base that I hereby encourage. My advice applies to very specific situations in which a spouse fails as such, but excels in everything else (great provider, great parent, great friend, great protector, great parental figure, very involved with the child, etc). If the offending parent has all those attributes but he/she is just a crappy spouse, I believe that the sacrifice has to be made for the benefit of the child. Assuming that what you mentioned is the only fault your husband has, and that he's otherwise great with the child, I would consider it very selfish to deprive the child of a great father just because he's a crappy husband, especially when you very well knew about it beforehand. I know it would suck to put up with all that, but as a parent, I think it is another one of so may sacrifices that has to be made for the benefits of the child.

              p.s. Remember, if he's also a crappy father, to hell with him.

              Comment


              • I completely appreciate everyone's feedback. I have dragged him to several marital counselor he never really seemed interested. So,we have only lasted a couple of times with each session. I have been so driven for the past three years to make this relationship work and I have felt no reciprocation. this is why I feel as if he is just going through the motions in order to avoid a divorce. I have kicked him out of the house, he has been living with his parents for the past two months. In which I have let him come see the baby almost anytime he wishes. I do not believe in keeping a child away from a father who wants to see him. Again, prior to all of this happening I was the only one taking care of the baby (late night feedings, bath time, etc). So now, he is being "super dad" and showing how "involved" hebis.one time he was visiting the baby his work phone showed a text message from one of his coworkers that said, "so far i have 2 gitls going on the boat with us tonight." of course he denied ever knowing about any of it and he said I cannot control what other people text me.This is why I feel he is not genuine at all. I used to think that every aspect of my life should be sacrificed for my child but I also do believe that in order to be a good mother I must first be happy.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by elmanowar View Post
                  Once a child is involved, I am of the opinion that the parent's satisfaction, comfort, relationship success, and "spousal happiness" comes in second. The priority should be to make sure the child has a stable strong family base that would increase his/her chances to succeed in life. This should be (IMHO) the goal even if it means hard personal sacrifices. **** **** **** My advice applies to very specific situations in which a spouse fails as such, but excels in everything else (great provider, great parent, great friend, great protector, great parental figure, very involved with the child, etc). If the offending parent has all those attributes but he/she is just a crappy spouse, I believe that the sacrifice has to be made for the benefit of the child.
                  I could not disagree with you more. crushedwife had the best response "I used to think that every aspect of my life should be sacrificed for my child but I also do believe that in order to be a good mother I must first be happy." First, the situation you set up rarely if ever exists; if a man lies to his wife about cheating and porn, he is neither a great friend or a great role model. Add to that the tension in the house caused by the lies and deceit, and you have a very toxic situation.

                  I am a divorced Dad and have three incredibly smart, high achieving, compassionate and well adjusted children. I like to think that it was because I did not divorce my children, only my wife. I was involved in their academic lives, school and after school activities and in their lives in general. I was and still am available to my children 24/7. I think if the father has the attributes you suggest for staying in the house, he has the attributes to be a great Dad in a dual household.

                  As for crushedwife's last post, if you have tried the therapy route and it has failed, the action that you took was in your best interest and the interest of your child. If you will be better Mom without his stress and he can be a good father, divorce is the best option. Best wishes to all three of you.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by crushedwife
                    but I also do believe that in order to be a good mother I must first be happy.
                    ^ You got it hon.
                    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                    Comment


                    • It's talking to you, honestly and openly (and non-judgementally from both of you) that he should be doing rather than councelling (for now). As they say, nothing changes if nothing changes and he's used to you giving him 'another chance' again and again. He has no incentive to change. You don't need to rush into divorce, but a separation might scare him into being able to talk about what the real issue is. He may not even know himself, but he'll never find out ifhe doesn't think/talk about it. Feeling alone in a relationship isn't healthy either for your body or your mind. Good luck.

                      Comment

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