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I want out, but I'm really scared I won't cope alone

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  • I want out, but I'm really scared I won't cope alone

    Okay, hi everyone. This is my First post ever. Iv been married 6 years but known my husband for 10 years now. We hv 2 kids together and he is a good provider and father. But now I feel our marriage has quickly gone passionless. I was crazy about him in the beginning , I think he was too but he has always not been able to express himself, never talks about his feelings. He does nice things to show them though. We'll after our first child, 1 yr after or marriage, things changed drastically. I made excuses for him,that it was because he was tired that he wouldn't have sex with me anymore. But after 6 years if marriage and 2 kids, nothing changed. Our kids sleep well and we are not always tired. I just feel, he isn't into me anymore. I told him how I felt a few months ago and that I wanted us to go our separate ways and all of a sudden he wants to change and have sex all the time and go down on me and everything all at once. I don't think it's normal. It would have been a nice change but the problem is that, now i don't feel anything for him and don't want him to touch me anymore. This is just cutting the long story short though. I don't know how to make me love him again. I tried but the feelings go away as fast as they came.

  • Originally posted by April81 View Post
    I told him how I felt a few months ago and that I wanted us to go our separate ways and all of a sudden he wants to change and have sex all the time and go down on me and everything all at once. I don't think it's normal.
    Perhaps not normal in some ways to make such a complete change in attitude, but it sounds normal to me for a man who most likely does not want the marriage to end, as you suggested to him. He is doing what he sees as necessary to turn things around. I give some credit for that.

    After a 10-year relationship, 6 married, 2 kids, are you now totally committed to abandoning ship? The fact that you are here (and welcome, by the way), suggests there remains a flicker of hope.

    I have no experience with counselling, but some here have, with very good results. Some perhaps will join in this thread and give you better perspective. As I see it, your situation is one that cries out for some whole-hearted effort in that regard. You suggest that your husband is a good man in many respects. I see no complaint of fundamental flaws. Well worth a salvage attempt, I'd say.
    I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

    Comment


    • Welcome April. Don't hesitate to give us the long story either, we can handle it! More details, more thoughts help us help you.

      I agree w/Baboy's thoughts, and I'll add some thoughts of my own. I suspect the root of your issues are a lack of intimacy, not just sex. You say he's never really been able to talk about his feelings, but shows his feelings instead. Think about that & how far-reaching that is in the relationship. Do you really need to hear it? Is the demonstration of his feelings not enough to meet your needs? Talk to him about that, if you feel your needs aren't being met.

      The way you word your post, it seems to be that you had never discussed your unhappiness in the marriage before? That you said you were unhappy & wanted out without ever giving him a chance to work on things? I think it's worth effort, more communication & really working to make this last. This is where the WORK part of relationships comes in. Things are rough, so both sides must put in extra effort, if willing, to work through the problems & help each other out. It seems to me, since he made a drastic change when faced with possibly losing you, that he's worth some investment to make this happen.

      Comment


      • Hi April, welcome to WH.

        I have to agree here, cudos to him for trying and 6 years of non intimacy or not enough intimacy, turns to friendship of two people living together, off course it's hard to feel "love" it's a different love that you experience but definitely non-sexual.

        Think of what you wrote at the beginning. "I was crazy about him in the beginning" . People are wired differently, some can express, others cant but body language tends to suggest a lot about a person's true inner feelings. If you craved more then, affection then you will always crave that, as that's your make-up.

        But, if you were crazy about him in the beginning, take the sex back out of it again, stop and think for a minute. Write down all the reasons you were crazy about him on one side and then all the reasons you aren't now on the other.. One will be longer than the other. Have a look at all that, because in most cases things can be solved, but you have to want to. Is there an ounce of love still in there? Or do you think you have totally fallen out of love with him. He's over trying but if you feel you have anything left, you two need time out, away from the kids, a few days away together, remembering your past, walking hand in hand, seeing life... If not, then you can't fear of how you are going to cope because he's been a good provider, he's done 50 percent of his job and I am sure will always help out with the children. You have to start seeking what is available for you, where, when and how.

        I'd be inclined to see first, to look at some old photos, go away together, communicate properly not hide in a shell when the opposite happens of what wasn't happening which is obviously too much at once.
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • Let me echo the sentiments expressed by Baboy and Kitty. You dropped the proverbial atomic bomb on the relationship before doing any of the preliminary work. At the moment, you have no clear understanding why the intimacy in the relationship went away. Aren't you curious why? Maybe he thought you were not interested in him . . . how do you express your appreciation for the little things he did and does? Maybe he thought you were not into him?

          Communication is the key to keeping a marriage strong. If he finds communication difficult, couples therapy can be a huge help. It teaches couples how to communicate their feelings in a productive way. You have accomplished the most important step; your husband is very interested in change. Perhaps if he was able to express his love and appreciation, you might also find that spark to be into him again.

          Having been divorced, I can tell you with great confidence that working on the relationship is a far better option. It is cheaper, will save your children lots of bad feelings and can improve your outlook on life in a lot less time. At the end of the day, divorce may be an option. However, based on your post, you are a long way from the end of the day (in relationship terms).
          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

          Comment


          • Originally posted by April81 View Post
            Okay, hi everyone. This is my First post ever. Iv been married 6 years but known my husband for 10 years now. We hv 2 kids together and he is a good provider and father. But now I feel our marriage has quickly gone passionless. I was crazy about him in the beginning , I think he was too but he has always not been able to express himself, never talks about his feelings. He does nice things to show them though. We'll after our first child, 1 yr after or marriage, things changed drastically. I made excuses for him,that it was because he was tired that he wouldn't have sex with me anymore. But after 6 years if marriage and 2 kids, nothing changed. Our kids sleep well and we are not always tired. I just feel, he isn't into me anymore. I told him how I felt a few months ago and that I wanted us to go our separate ways and all of a sudden he wants to change and have sex all the time and go down on me and everything all at once. I don't think it's normal. It would have been a nice change but the problem is that, now i don't feel anything for him and don't want him to touch me anymore. This is just cutting the long story short though. I don't know how to make me love him again. I tried but the feelings go away as fast as they came.
            Well April some marriage get in a rut. But before you decide pack it in for the kids sake seek some marriage counseling before dissolving this marriage. In the long run divorce doesn't solve the problem it makes it worse. The kids don't get to see dad as much anymore so in the long run the kids suffer. I would say do everything in your power to make this marriage work April, before throwing in the towel for good.
            When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

            Comment


            • The transition from "lovers" to being parents and providers is often a challenging one. One study showed that men spend, on average, about 25% more time a work after the birth of the first child.

              In addition, some men have trouble seeing the mother of their children as a sexual being. And some mothers have trouble seeing themselves that way as well.

              And the stresses of life have a way of killing the sex drive.

              Many women need emotional intimacy before they can be physically intimate. It can be difficult to be emotionally intimate with a man who keeps his emotions to himself.

              I'd agree with the others that trying marriage counseling would be something to try BEFORE calling it quits. You, your husband and your children deserve your best effort.

              Good luck

              Comment

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