[calla48]

Married for 21 years +4 dating...kids 15 & 18..I am looking at our marriage which consists of night after night hubby sitting outside watching tv for hours on end, any deep topic conversations his eyes are on the tv (even during ads) I feel like we have a dysfunctional marriage...no close connection...no opening up and sharing of feelings or decisions (mostly arguing). I feel like he is a closed book and a stranger...have been thru some big issues...he has clocked up big debts on credit cards that I discovered thru snooping (4 times), synthetic marijuana smoking that involved many lies and like living with a lazy stroke victim, I have discovered sex toys and porn statched iñ our shed that are not a shared thing, seen him signed up on dating sites...when confronted...says he was just looking around at who is on there....frequently find porn videos he has been viewing on his phone. I shut up for so long about these things and then let it out iñ one big blow...he never has much to say...says he has never felt supported by me, even tho I have helped work thru the debt and drug issues...says he feels no matter what he does is never gonna be good enough..and will just be something else. I am fed up with being lied to (mostly to do with marijuana use), I feel like I "share" my life with a stranger. I asked him what does he want from me? after I explained I would like an honest and more open husband, and I want to feel like I/we/our marriage are important..he rarely makes plans for US...he will book ahead for playing weekend golf...come home and bury his nose iñ a newspaper...tv on...sit sit sit! I feel invisible...his answer was "I don't know" all the while mumbling those few words while staring at the tv. Night after night he's outside...my daughter n I inside, she has issues with school/homework/ behavior that was risk taking...I feel like I am dealing with it alone..and she is siding with dad and showing him more affection etc, because I am dealing with her trying to keep her on track with homework etc ..the bad mum v the good dad. I don't want him to move mountains for me...just make the occassional effort to plan something for us...even just ask if I would like to go for a walk. I have been off work for a while (still being paid while I recover) so havent done my usual nightshift (so I can be about for morning school run)..so I am thinking more and seeing more. When he said he doesn't know wat he wants from me..I sat for at least 10 min looking at him watching tv...I removed my wedding ring and lay it on the table iñ front of him..and said when you decide what u want then u can decide wha u do with this...the silence has begun...he is up early and off to golf....I am crying out for a close, honest, loving marriage...to feel connected and not feel like I live with a stranger who is becoming more closed and into things for himself ..masterbates and sex toys secretly more than sex with me, looking at porn, ensuring he has a drug supplier when one dries up, and that golf is booked iñ. I clarify I don't have a problem wirh him playing golf...I have a problem seeing him being able to organise ahead and get there on time...yet lacks that drive and initiative towards anything for us. Advice comments welcome..help!!

[calla48]

I feel like a detective trying to find out who this man is that I have shared over half of my life with because I see signals iñ his behavior and sense he is up to something. if I ask I get no response or plain lies. It not how I believe a marriage should be and I am over being the confronting one and his non caring, or seeing how upset I became after discovering his hidden debt creation only to repeat it again and again. As for the porn he says most guys watch it, and the drugs...he does it as he likes it and at least he isn't getting drunk every night. I want things to be different...he says I don't support him or show affection towards him...that's true as I find it hard to build up affection and be intimate with a man who stares at a tv or head down iñ a newspaper rather than give me the common decency of eye contact. I feel I am stopping him living the sort of life he prefers and perhaps he is too gutless to say he wants to separate/divorce...I don't feel happy, he doesnt seem happy...and I don't feel like I am the happy, affectionate, caring person I am. He says I just bring up negative **** the time...that I am negative. I said its a reflection of how I feel about things on the inside. At least I am trying to address issues and not sweep them under the carpet...try and make things better in our marriage...but am beginning to wonder what I am trying to save...year in year out its the same. I have suggested we separate and "start again" or work out what we really want..but get told "yeah that's always your first port of call...to split up". I just want love, honesty and affection which is hard to have thrive when so much deception, lies and animosity exists. I don't want to snoop to prove I am being lied to...but the trust has gone. I want to exist in his plans. I want to see some time and energy invested into us...after all iñ two more years it will be Just Us!! I would like to hear from others iñ this boat and share their thoughts and how they handle or have dealt with it. I feel so down about how married life has been for me/us.

[effy2014]

Many of us have been through these situations, men and women. He appears to have mentally checked out of the marriage for whatever his reasons -- he uses all the male lines of not being supported and that the marriage lacks intimacy. All interesting platitudes and symptoms of a very broken marriage.

The marriage can only be fixed if the two of you get on the same page. That can only happen if there is honest and open communication. I recommend couples counseling since there is no TV in the room and a moderated discussion can help him open up.

I feel your pain. I have been in a marriage where I have felt disrespected and unappreciated. Marriage counseling got us communicating better but ultimately could not save the marriage. But it was worth the effort. I hope he takes the marriage enough to try to work things out.

[atskitty2]

Calla, I feel for you. I have so much to say but no time for it now. I'll comment more later.
You aren't alone. There's support here.

[Crystalblue]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It takes both people being present and involved to make a relationship work. It seems like you've been more than supportive and patient with y'all's problems. I don't understand being that disconnected that he can't even have a conversation or see that you are hurting and something needs to change. It would be depressing to me to express my unhappiness and have my husband not care enough to put in any work to fix the problems or even meet me half way.

If he's that dismissive you may have to take action for him change anything. Have you suggested trying counseling?

[atskitty2]

What was the debt for? Drugs? Porn? Strip clubs? Dating sites? Video games? What was he spending so much on behind your back?
Is he holding down a job?
Does he "shut down" around everyone, or just at home w/you? When did all this begin, or become so pronounced? What happened in the months leading up to that time?

Go to counseling, preferably with him, but if he won't go (as I suspect), go without him. A good counselor can help you to deal with this, decide your best courses of action, and also help you learn new communication skills that can potentially help you break through to him.

I have plenty more thoughts, but I'd love to have those answers before I comment further.

[calla48]

The debt was created a couple of times while he ran our business...that he thought he would sell the business and pay off the overdraft so not have to tell me..but he stayed iñ two years too long and closed up shop.some he just says happened from adding money to credit line account we had for furniture when we needed en extra $500 for some event and it threw out the interest free conditions...I thought it was nearly paid off when iñ fact after 18months we owed more (18 month interest free account) no strip clubs iñ our town...I am sure some would be purchasing drugs...I really don't know for sure...he said it just went on day to day living...but I wasn't seeing any relief or less bills etc from where I sat from pay day to pay day.
While on the synthetic marijuana he was anti social, inactive everywhere and with everyone.
Yes he has a job iñ counter sales...and dependable, rarely has a sick day.
When we met (25yr) he was Mr sociable..played footy, squash, out at the footy club/pubs...now I am looking at a 48yo man who is like an old man...and flat demeanor...who is into himself and his needs are self met (if that makes sense). I want to be doing things...alone and together!! Its dragging me down, and I am building up resentment. I didn't even receive a birthday card this year...years ago he made a point of buy deep and meaningful cards..now nothing at all...I just don't ever feel special...so now retaliate iñ the same way for his birthday...two weeks after mine.

[atskitty2]

Retaliation isn't the answer. Withholding affection because he does, just sinks you both deeper into the problem, and perpetuates his "you never support me" attitude. I know that's hard to realize in that moment, but really, does hurting him in return make your hurt any less?

You two need an unbiased, professional third party to intervene here, if you want to salvage this marriage & return to some level of happiness. As I see it, he has a drug problem. He's self-medicating and checking out on life. Did this all become worse after the failure of the business? This "synthetic weed" can be bad news. He may need medical intervention as well, depending on some other factors. I suspect there's plenty more about him, that you aren't aware of yet.

You need to get involved. Take an active role here, and leave this passive stance behind. You don't know what all the debt was accumulated for & where you are in the payments? You should step in & get some perspective on the financial situation & here's just 2 reasons why: 1. He could be keeping many more things secret, because you're allowing him (a drug user) to control this major part of your life. 2. You could be in a lot more debt than you know, and this could make things really difficult for you should a separation & divorce occur, depending on the laws in your state. You have to protect yourself.
Now, obviously, we hope it doesn't come to that, but you have to be prepared. It's actually fairly easy to hide financials from a spouse these days, with paperless statements & online banking, all the options available. Not saying he is, I'm suggesting you need to dig your head out of the sand & take a good look around, my dear!

Of course you're building up resentment, calla, this is a miserable & intolerable marriage you're living in. You don't ever feel special, because right now, you're not special to him! As I see it, there's nothing you can do, on your own, to save this. You need the help of professionals, time & dedication to working this through, and he has to get on board with making major life changes. There's the tricky part. Go alone if you must, because in addition to learning your own needs for change, you may bring home some tools for coping & urging change in him through your communication style. Sometimes wonderful things happen in that hard-hearted partner when they see change in us. Find yourself a competent counselor, spill all the details & let them help you get some perspective & direction on this.

We're around here for support calla. Best of luck.

[Pollon]

His complete lack of motivation and connection sound like typical symptoms of long-term regular marijuana use.

While there may be some truth to his complaints about you, they are really just tactics to divert attention and allow him to continue to do NOTHING.

Does he acknowledge at all his problem with pot?

If taking off your ring (assuming that isn't something you do regularly) didn't get his attention, there's really nothing that will short of separating and starting the divorce process. Have you begun to explore what that would entail?