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Big changes, are we doing the right things?

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  • Big changes, are we doing the right things?

    My fiance and I have been together 8 years and we just purchased a house together. We didn't want to go about doing the whole apartment thing, we wanted something we could actually call ours and not have to throw away money each month. Today we actually just combined our bank accounts and I tell you what, it's been a roller coaster of changes. Lately I've been uncertain of our future, so many things that can happen and I've been around plenty of people that once they moved in together that it didn't work. He adores me and has since the day we met and I with him. I'd die without him in my life as he's really opened me up to other things that I probably never would've done on my own. Are we moving in the right direction? We've never lived together before and he keeps assuring me that we will make our future work. At a concert the other night there was an older couple dancing away and I told him that would be us when we got old and he said that it will definitely be us. He constantly has to assure me that I am the one he wants and there has never been anyone else he's ever wanted as much as me. I guess I'm doubting myself more so than I am him. Is that normal to feel that way? I feel terrible about it. I'm constantly asking myself "Well..what if..?" I guess you could say I've fallen into a routine with my current job and still living at home and everything and I think I'm afraid of change more so than I originally thought I was even though it's a good thing. I just got a new job offer today and I will likely start by the end of September so again, there is another change. Am I just psyching myself out over things? I could just use some support, advice. Ever since we bought our house my mom and my sister have been nothing but nasty about it and I've never had the support from my mom and I'm pretty sure my sister is jealous but I won't get into that whole mess of a story. So yea, anything would be helpful right now. Thanks!

  • You are taking big steps in your life and second guessing is completely normal. You are moving out, getting married and will be starting a new life -- that is turning your safe child-like world upside down.

    From an emotional perspective, it all seems positive. He adores you and you can't see your life without him. The part I liked the best is that you believe he makes you are better person. You must be in you mid to late 20s, so you should be ready for the transition. I do not see anything in your story that questions your relationship. My one piece of advice is keep communicating. If there are things that bother you about living together, talk about them and resolve them.

    Economically, it will be harder to split up if the relationship fails because you are intertwined. I would have an agreement what will happen in the event of a breakup. Will the house be sold? Is everything 50/50? Agree now so there will not be be greater animosity then there needs to be.

    Best of luck to you both. What are Mom's issues with it?
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

    Comment


    • I agree w/effy, but I didn't see anything about marriage in your story. Are you actually getting married? If not, how is the property ownership handled? And your joint bank account? Are both your names on those? You don't necessarily have to answer those for me, but I ask in order to bring up the point that you need to make sure your own best interests are protected if anything should go wrong. Look into the laws of your state if you haven't already, assuming you're in the USA. Your relationship sounds solid, but please don't take for granted that nothing bad will ever happen. Prepare for the worst of scenarios, just in case.

      Comment


      • Thank you both and I'm glad to see that what I'm feeling is normal. It's a lot to take in. Kitty, we will get married eventually. Both of our names are on the account now and everything we have done has always been 50/50. As I said, we've been together for 8 years and just now moving in together mostly due to lack of job or lack of funds from jobs.

        Now as far as my mom issues go, it's pretty messed up. My mom had my sister at the age of 17. My sister and I are 16 years apart. I just turned 24 and she's 39 so it's always been like I had a second mom. My sister can't support herself to well..even now she relies on mom to help. When I told my parents about our house I think a lot of jealousy between my mom and my sister towards me arose. My sister lives in a small apartment and pays way more for rent each month than it's worth. Two kids and she has a dead end job while her boyfriend has a somewhat decent job but they still can't make ends meet. Now my parents, well, debt is all I can really say. Everything about our house is brand new. We bought a mobile home/modular home and it was built and customized for us with what we wanted in it. There has been a lot of drama and because of that, and the support I've received from my fiance's family, my eyes were opened to just how much my mom doesn't support me. My dad is willing to help in any way he can, even just by coming over to our lot and helping with the yard, etc. My mom likes to talk a lot of BS about me to my sister and I have proof of it. It's just been a huge mess since day 1 and even so before now. It would take me pages to explain everything about what's going on but you get the jist of it.

        Comment


        • I'm glad you have support in his family & your father. It's sad to hear that your mother & sister aren't in a very healthy place in their own lives. Maybe they'll come around eventually, maybe they won't, but it sounds like you have a loving family with your fiance.

          Personally, I wouldn't have joint accounts & own properties together until marriage. There are many reasons for that, and as I encouraged before, just check out the laws in your state, so you have all the information. I'm sure everything will be fine for you, but always better to have knowledge & information in your mind.

          Comment


          • I guess I'm doubting myself more so than I am him. Is that normal to feel that way? I feel terrible about it. I'm constantly asking myself "Well..what if..?"
            Your life is nothing like that of your Mother's or Sisters. You've built a solid foundation called love and in that, you two are moving forward in that knowing.

            Off course you say "what if?" that's a normal fear. Taking large positive steps feels fantastic but also frightening, it will calm itself down and you two will have a blast. Congratulations, I'm excited for you.

            In my opinion, when a man buys a house with a woman and has joint accounts, that speaks volumes of where he wants to go in life with her.

            It's sad. Most family members want nothing more than their child to have a better chance in life than they did. It sounds as if, they would prefer the opposite for you. It could also be that they are so down in life and don't know how to change it, make things better that they "envy" you.

            Lastly, things come in threes The house, the new job, are you sure you aren't pregnant? Just kidding x
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Trust me, my mom and sister have said some pretty hateful things towards me and him. Of course all of it was behind our backs through texts that I have saved for proof. They’re not happy in their lives. My sister, like I said, struggles with money and never has any money to even pay her bills. I had to help her out maybe 3 times just to get caught up on rent. It’s pretty sad when you have to ask for help from your younger sister who has things more together then she ever will. I know she will never be able to afford a house or anything and she’ll always be stuck in a nasty apartment. My mom though did tell us how proud she was of us for taking this step though after she had finally seen the furniture we were picking out and the house itself but things are still tense. Just the other day my sister called me worthless because I didn’t stop what I was doing and help her move something. I’m sorry but I think she needs to look in the mirror to be honest.

              In our situation, it was easier for us to join accounts. We will have to many things to pay each month between the two of us that it was just easier. We didn’t want to have to figure out who was paying what. I’m sure it’ll be me taking over paying the bills which is fine and we’ve already discussed letting each other know about what’s been spent etc. He’s already told me to think of it as “our” money and not so much as his and mine anymore which it is. As far as we know there aren’t any laws about joint accounts before being married or anything. I work in retail and see plenty of checks go through with 2 and sometimes 3 names on them so I don’t think they have any issues with it here in Colorado but I thank you for the concern about it. We will get married eventually, just got so many other things going on that I don’t want to have to worry about that as well.

              I’m not sure if it’s a fact of my mom and sister don’t want to see me succeed. I know my mom enjoys watching people fail though, my dad even told me about it. My dad isn’t exactly happy with her so he’s really filled us in on her past and why she does what she does etc. I’ll say that she helps out my sister more than she ever helps me out and always has. Like I said it wasn’t until I got with my fiancé that my eyes were opened to all the BS they’ve done between themselves and to me. None of my family have anything positive to say about my sister. My sister automatically assumes she will get whatever she wants. She asked our own grandmother if she could have her car if she’s unable to drive again and my grandma told me she would rather see that car rot in her driveway than give it to my sister. She was kicked out at the age of 16 because she was stealing from my parents. Like I mentioned in my other post, I could just go on and on about my mom and sister and trust me, I can’t wait until it’s time to move so I don’t have to deal with their drama anymore although I feel bad for having to leave my dad behind to deal with it.

              Oh and CH, I’m positive I’m not pregnant! That’s not happening for a while :P

              Comment


              • You can't change your family Concentrate on your life and enjoy.

                The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If your Father has been living a life of un-happiness with his wife, your Mother and no one wants to really help you Sister, they more than likely have a lot in common.

                Whereby you being born in a different generation as well as possibly having more of your Father's genes than your Mother's have no problem in achieving in life and loving life so keep going on with your life and be happy.
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment

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