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Remedy for zero emotion man, anyone?

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  • Remedy for zero emotion man, anyone?

    Let me refresh my background...I'm female married about 14-15 years with this 15 years older man.
    Lots of people, I think more man than woman ( pls correct me if I'm wrong) have very little emotion especially when come to relationship. My HB , show little or zero emotion, what worse ,when come to things that could be exciting, he will try to find the negative sides to say. I.e: the kids have very interesting art work brought home , it may not up to the artist standard but to me ,is still interesting, he would rather say sonething negatives,I.e why would you guys still doing that kind of art works at this grade? Or he would say , here is not that great etc..

    I moved out from home, far away, about 8 hours by plane about 14 years ago, I was very sad leaving my beloved mom, tears mostly throughout the flight but my HB chose not to say a word nor any comfort gesture I.e hugs or patting , I didn't ask him why he did so at that time as I thought I was being ridiculously dramatic , as of today, I didn't ask him why either as I can sense he probably try to brush it off by saying ,I can't remember anymore.

    I learnt to play piano last year as I tried to fight against my depression of my dad passed ,( again, my HB never say a word to comfort me, so I thought, fine,I'm gonna find another way to be over with this grief). for the 1st time ,I can play that beautiful fur elise, my piano teacher was proud of me but my HB never say a word nor any compliments. My piano teacher even asked me saying, " your HB must be very excited with this piece, did he say anything?", embarrassedly, I said none.

    I know , to some people , to compliment or to say anything positive is such a difficult task, sometimes I don't even get the apology that I should get when he was wrong. There's nothing about man's pride , to me there's that lips thats darn heavy to open. I told him many times to never be stingy of giving positive feedbacks especially to the kids , I also told him to try to pick positive things to say than the negative .

    For this man is in his 50s , do you think is too late to have that change? You think he can be more emotional somehow if there's a way?

  • I don't think someone can suddenly become emotional, unless something really life-changing happens.

    I also don't think trying to change someone is fair. He is who he is.

    I need to read my own words, because, in a way, I'd like my man to change a few things about himself... and myself, I'd like to change some things about me, too... if that makes sense. But it doesn't work this way.

    It is already difficult to change ourselves, imagine trying to change somebody else.

    I know, it's difficult and I imagine you must feel lonely, sometimes.


    • From the threads that you have started, it is clear that you want a different man. He is a good provider and good father. You seem to have traded stability you may have needed at the time for a man who was more emotional and romantic. Based upon other posts, you have given him hints about romance, but he does not change. He will also not change his level of emotionalism. It would be interesting to know whether his character traits are similar to those of your father or other close relative.

      Your husband is who he is. If he was willing to go into therapy, you might have a chance to have him more open to feeling and expressing his emotions. But I would be surprised if he was willing to go.
      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


      • I'm curious as to whether his lack of emotional expression is a lifelong trait of his, is this how he has been in every relationship or just in his current situation? I think sometimes that behavior is a sign of severe unhappiness. Sometimes people who are unhappy, whether it be with you or with themselves or with just where they are in life, want others around them to be unhappy too.

        If he's been this way for a very long time, it is unlikely he will change. I would recommend counseling as an attempt to save the marriage. He needs to know how concerning his lack of emotion is to you.
        "Be what you're looking for."


        • I guess you accepted it way back when your Mum passed and didn't say anything.. I guess he more than likely has always been like this.

          You are missing something in your life that you desperately need. Reward for efforts not just regarding yourself but your children.

          It's his nature but that does not mean that he can't "try".

          I would sit down with him, tell him you are a young 40 something and you are going to start to do a lot of things you have never done before because you will beat depression and you will not allow negativity to overshadow you anymore and you'd like his help with this. What you need from him is to "listen" when something good has happened and you tell him, take a few seconds to absorb it and comment in a positive way.

          If he refuses to see this or want to help you, that then goes beyond him being un-emotional don't you think?

          Get out there and do all the things you love, loved before you met him, start now. You'll be around positive people that also have passions.

          Don't sit at home getting depressed that's not going to help you at all, you're still young and you deserve to be happy within yourself.


          • I left my husband of 16 years because of this same character trait. I'm not saying that's what you should do...but I can tell you it was the best thing for me. The man I am with now is so affectionate and caring...I can't believe I missed out on that all these years!



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