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  • Ready to say 'I do' ?

    Hello everyone!
    This is my first post 😊 hope i can get some feedback ..

    My boyfriend and I have been together for six years this September just gone; we've had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster, I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend is 23 so we got together real young. We both come from big families, me being the 5th of 6 children and him being the 4th of 5. Not all members of our families were the happiest when we got together because of our ages but we liked each other immediately, hit it off and three days after the 'will you be my girlfriend' talk, childishly said I love you.

    Like i said we've had our ups and downs, family disagreements, his family calling me every name under the sun and hating me for no apparent reason, jealousy over friends of the opposite sex, his slight problem with binge drinking, an unplanned pregnancy that led to termination, lies, me being depressed and self harming, violence on both parts, a lot of breaking up which 2 years ago led to me sleeping with another man and a more recent break up a while ago which led to him sleeping with his ex. The reason we broke up was because he took drugs which I hate and I moved out, got my own place and convinced myself and him that we were well and truly over. I'd like to say that on these two occasions we did break up for around 3-5 months so it wasn't like we went out the next day and slept with other people, however we did still talk on the phone but not about getting back together etc.

    Now, this may sound crazy but we always end up coming back to each other like magnets and neither of us have ever doubted that we love each other. He has well and truly been with me through the roughest times of my life as I have him and his which we regularly thank each other for.

    After a lot of arguing, shouting, tears and eventually conversation we have once again stitched up our sore, open wounds and rekindled our relationship. We still live apart at the moment but are planning to live together again in the near future (next year).

    I'm not sure why, but this time it feels so different. I feel like I have well and truly fallen head over heels for him again and we've been talking positively about our future .. Moving in, moving out of our small town, building a home, getting married and having children. Neither of us have ever felt this way about each other before, I think this time we have both realised that the grass isn't greener and we have both learned that we needed to let go of our messed up pasts and wrong doings to be happy together.

    We desperately want a baby (this isn't an attempt to fix a relationship because it has already been fixed after hours of talking things through and getting to the bottom of everything) but I would like to be married first, however he isn't too bothered which comes first, the marriage or the baby.

    I've started doing the typical girly thing and roughly planning the big day and he has started saving for an engagement ring whilst I show him pictures weekly for ideas so that I don't end up with a bolt for an engagement ring !! 😃

    However there's one thing that is holding him back and worrying him tremendously and that's saying 'I do' in front of our family and friends, he isn't the best with words, stutters and speaks louder when he is trying to get something out. I've assured him that I don't want an extravagant wedding and that I want to keep it small, delicate and intimate. He's just fearful that he will mess up our day and feel embarrassed.

    I don't know how else to reassure him.

    I know that from all of the problems above that this doesn't sound like an ideal relationship. But I'm confident that we are ok .. We've never seen a councillor or gone to anyone for advice on our relationship. We've been together through thick and thin and still came out fighting on the other side. I truly feel that we have got over everything that used to be a problem, we have cut a lot of people out of our lives and realised who wishes us well and who was out to break us down, we laugh so much and even joke about what we used to be like. We feel that our time apart and how low we felt when we were apart has made us so much more positive and strong as a couple.

    The truth is .. We're truly in love.

    I just wish he'd stop panicking about what other people will think of him on 'the big day', I want him to get over this before we start planning even more. I want him to stop feeling nervous and getting clammy hands when we speak about it. He's even worried about upsetting people when he chooses a best man. I want him to just enjoy the day with me, I don't want this to be stressful for him before it's even started. How else can I help other than talking to him?

    We want this to be a lovely day to remember for the rest of our lives, not a day for nerves and worry. Any advice or comments will be much appreciated.

    Thanks you for reading girls and guys xxx

  • From all you wrote my advice if you really love your boy friend that you both seek professional therapy help. Before you even think about walking down the isle with him. There is a number of issue you need to work out first it's with your family along with his as well.You both talking with each family as well. To show them you love each other if your families can't handle you and your boy friend getting married. Then they have the problem not you or the BF. You may have to see the justice of the peace to get married and not some big blown out wedding if your BF can't deal with upsetting his family or yours. But you need to live your life with your love of your life not have your family live your life for you or his on top of it all. Well good luck I hope you both can live a very happy marriage with each other good luck in your future.
    When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by BananaLana View Post
      I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend is 23 so we got together real young. ...


      We desperately want a baby (this isn't an attempt to fix a relationship because it has already been fixed after hours of talking things through and getting to the bottom of everything) but I would like to be married first, however he isn't too bothered which comes first, the marriage or the baby. ...

      I've started doing the typical girly thing and roughly planning the big day and he has started saving for an engagement ring whilst I show him pictures weekly for ideas so that I don't end up with a bolt for an engagement ring !!...


      We want this to be a lovely day to remember for the rest of our lives, not a day for nerves and worry. Any advice or comments will be much appreciated. ...
      Welcome to WH BananaLana.

      At 20 and 23, I would say you are still "real young".

      Permit me to say as well that at your ages, being "desperate" to have a baby is not a good sign. I do not say you should not be thinking about it, but with the difficulties your relationship as encountered, I would want to see a track record of a truly repaired and solid relationship before starting a family.

      I am also concerned about your comment he is saving up for an engagement ring. If you are trying to get pregnant, he should be saving up for taking care of an infant. A ring might be a foolish indulgence, depending on finances. Having to "save" for it tells me he does not have deep pockets. If would be surprised were it otherwise at his age.

      You mention your bf has had a "slight problem" with binge drinking and has taken drugs. Leaving aside the question of whether any drug or alcohol problem may fairly be described as "slight", in your shoes I would not want to have a baby with this fellow until we had been in a stable relationship for some time and the drug and alcohol problems were truly just a long ago memory.

      MG has a worthy point about counseling. You two have had a most fractious relationship. It has been punctuated with breakups, violence, self-harm, sex with others, problems with family acceptance (even hatred you say, although I'll accept that might be hyperbole) and on and on. Your bf even has room for an "ex" in the whole saga. You two might think you are now in full control and on a stable course, but there could be some delusional thinking involved. You mention the salutary effects of "hours of talking". I do not share your optimism for the conclusion that supports. Talk is cheap. I'd rather bank on months of performing.

      Despite your denial, I am left with an uneasy feeling that you see marriage and a baby as a way of cementing the relationship when, in the end, such might be the final straw leading to its collapse.

      I harken back to the bit about saving for a ring. My guess is that at age 23, with some drug and alcohol problems in the recent past, your bf lacks a certain financial stability, but I don't know. Does he have a solid employment history? Do you? Or does he have a trust fund and no need to concern himself with anything so mundane as earning a living? Marriage and baby are more likely to prosper if one's financial house is in order.

      You mention his nerves about a wedding, but there's an undertone of concern about cost. As alluded to above, that concern might be well placed.

      If you want to spare him "a day for nerves and worry" then resolve to make it so. Eschew an elaborate ceremony, or even a modest one. I t can be just the two of you, the presiding official and any witnesses required by law. After all, what is important - making a marital commitment to the one you love or putting on a public spectacle? If the thought of the latter will cause your bf overwhelming anxiety, then accept that he should not have to endure it. Or accept that you will not marry a man not made of sterner stuff, one who can stand before a crowd and comport himself like a seasoned politician.

      Banana, I expect you'll see my remarks as very negative and lacking insight into what is your relationship, not mine. Please refrain. I admire your courage, your willingness to face adversity and work towards solutions. Seeking advice here is creditworthy. You deserve to be happy and, in the end, you bf might be a good husband and father. The gravamen of my message can be distilled to this: take your time. Do not be too quick to conclude that all is now rosy and you are ready for marriage and children. I believe you can get there, but it's a process involving real effort, beyond talk, and with inherent time requirements that should not be circumvented.
      I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

      Comment


      • I well and truly appreciate both of your replies and can see that you both have thought about my post in depth which is fantastic ..

        I agree with the both of you, we have had it rough and we well and truly have only just started on a good path. I think maybe my excitement of the thought of being married to this man came across as rushing things. I must say that these are plans for the future and we do understand that we have a lot of hard work cut out to make this work as it isn't going to happen with just happy thoughts and well wishes. We both agree we'd like to be engaged and spend time enjoying that, then to be married and enjoy our time together then .. Then hopefully comes the baby. I understand we'll have rainy days but there's no harm in sharing future plans and things to work towards.

        I also understand that therapy can help many relationships but I just don't think it's for us.

        We aren't even living together yet (we stay at each others places for a change of scenery but are together 90% of nights), we've booked a holiday for next year to Turkey as a little get away and something to work towards. We're not hard up for money, I have a steady job with a five year contract in an interior design company and he works for a construction company that also pays well. We have separate savings and money isn't a worry, the reason why he's saving for an engagement ring is because we divide our money into separate savings for separate things so that we're always steady and ready for a rainy day.

        The family disputes were when we first got together, my dad wasn't happy because he thought I was too young to be in a relationship, especially with someone older than me, after my dad met him and they got to know one another, my father did the whole warning talk! And they hit it off great, my boyfriend has been part of the family in every aspect since then. The disputes on his side were because his family didn't like me (his older brother in particular) because they thought I was taking him away from them, this wasn't the case, he chose to spend his time with me when we were in the honeymoon faze! His older brother has caused major problems between us, he encourages my boyfriend to participate in stupid drinking weekends etc but I'm so glad to say that my boyfriend has realised for himself that his brother is bad news, an alcoholic, a drug user, with children all over the area by different women with a rubbish job he's been in for ten years, he's 32.. Bad news.
        I must also say that my partner lost his mum two months before we got together so that was obviously hard for him, I'm not using this as an excuse and it's hard for me to explain but his older brother always thinks that he had to 'step up' to the mark and take care of his younger brother by showing him a good time and a good life, his idea of a good life is the 'yolo' approach and drink, take drugs and live the party life. This to me and my partner (finally) isn't a good life.

        As for his ex, he says it's the biggest mistake of his life. I have no excuse for him on this however do believe that he is sorry. I read some messages between the two of them that he insisted I see and from the beginning I could see that he wasn't planning to sleep with her and after it happened he explained to her it was a mistake and he doesn't want any kind of relationship with her.

        We have both made tremendous mistakes, I have no excuses for them, it was just a long line of major mishaps.

        I feel like we're on the right track and I'm looking forward to building a future together rather than focusing on the past. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a rough plan, we love talking about good things together and it is followed up by actions also, we are trying really hard but it also feels natural at the same time, I don't feel like I have worries at the moment and it's so nice. People may think that talking isn't a source for saviour of a relationship but it's just what has worked for us so far. We managed to get a lot off of our chests and put it in the past once it was out in the open.
        I hope this works, I hope we can have a happily ever after after the storms we've been through.

        I think we've finally found ways that work for us, even as little as going out together more for dinner, having movie nights in, talking when there is something bothering us instead of holding it in, having a bit of routine in our lives. I think the key to us is having things to look forward to.

        Any other thoughts would be perfect and I thank you again for your replies! X

        Comment


        • Originally posted by BananaLana View Post
          I well and truly appreciate both of your replies and can see that you both have thought about my post in depth which is fantastic
          That single comment earns you my undying respect. All too often those seeking opinions/advice, fail to show due (any) appreciation for the time and thought that often goes into replies. Thank you for that acknowledgment.

          I also thank you for your very well put together and level-headed reply BL. Are you sure you are only 20?

          Despite the reservations I have expressed, you show maturity in your thinking, beyond that with which I was willing to give credit after reading your initial post. If your bf is a similar thinker, I would say that bodes well indeed for the future.

          I'll re-read your last post and let you know if I have further comments. You have alleviated some of the concerns I had, such as about finances and starting a family without some financial stability. The fact that both of you appear to have stable employment speaks well about being able to have some stability in other areas.

          Again, let me commend you. Both MG and I were very direct and we did not sugar-coat our replies. You resisted any temptation to come back with a defensive posture. You have been open and honest. I think you are on the right track, but please maintain some sense of caution.

          Best wishes.
          I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

          Comment


          • You're very welcome!

            I often don't feel 20! Haha ��

            I think that having older brothers and sisters and watching them has made me open minded and understanding, I've managed to learn from some of their life lessons, unfortunately for them but fortunately for me.

            My boyfriend is a similar thinker, he just goes off track sometimes which is inevitable .. My parents are still married and met when they were both just 12! My mother had my oldest sister at the young age of 16 and has always told me how much hard work men (not all) can be and how difficult it was to raise children at a young age.
            My sisters also had babies young, didn't really have careers and all three of their relationships ended badly and on bad terms and none of them have been engaged or married. I admire what they've all done for their children but I don't want to lead that life, I've seen how hard it can be and wiped up so many of their tears that were enough to drown in. I love children, I have 7 nieces and 4 nephews and love them to bits, I also have a diploma in childcare & education which includes 'the care and education of children from birth to sixteen' and 'educating adults of conception up until the age of five'. I've worked with all types of different children and their families since I started voluntary work at 14 years old. Ranging from newborns to once a 42 year old, lovely lady who had the mental age of 7.
            Having a baby doesn't worry me when it comes to the carrying and the care but like you say it's more emotional stability and of course financial stability.

            I enjoy listening to peoples opinions because it helps to see things from outside of the box.

            Everything takes time and luckily its something that's on my side at the moment, I just want to use it wisely and enjoy myself along the way.

            All the best x

            Comment


            • Originally posted by BananaLana View Post

              I also understand that therapy can help many relationships but I just don't think it's for us.

              ****************************

              We have both made tremendous mistakes, I have no excuses for them, it was just a long line of major mishaps.

              I feel like we're on the right track and I'm looking forward to building a future together rather than focusing on the past. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a rough plan, we love talking about good things together and it is followed up by actions also, we are trying really hard but it also feels natural at the same time, I don't feel like I have worries at the moment and it's so nice. People may think that talking isn't a source for saviour of a relationship but it's just what has worked for us so far. We managed to get a lot off of our chests and put it in the past once it was out in the open.
              I hope this works, I hope we can have a happily ever after after the storms we've been through.

              ************************

              Any other thoughts would be perfect and I thank you again for your replies! X

              You are certainly far more mature then the average 20 year old. I applaud you for identifying the issues in your relationship and working through them. No one here will suggest that communication between partners is an insignificant thing . . . communication is what keeps relationships alive and relevant. The only way to grow with each other is to understand each other.

              My concern is that you seem to be protecting your boyfriend from himself and his family. You can't do that forever; it will not work as a long term strategy. If you are a communication person, I do not understand why "therapy isn't for us." Why not? Men do not communicate well as a rule and young men are worse at it. Couples therapy teaches the best communication practices as well as tools to get through life's difficulties.

              There is nothing wrong with having a plan. However, I agree with Baboy. Go a bit slower. Get comfortable living together and going on holiday together. Be less protective and see how that goes. Marriage . . . and especially a baby . . . adds a degree of stress to a relationship that you cannot understand at this moment. Make sure that you have a very solid starting point.
              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

              Comment


              • BL,

                I'll endorse effy's comments about couples therapy. MG mentioned it and I took up the refrain, while unable to say anything about personal experience in that regard.

                You are new here, but effy is a respected WH member who has often commented about his own considerable - and beneficial - first-hand experience with therapy, so his thoughts on that score are worthy of more than passing consideration.
                I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                Comment


                • Hello Effy, thanks for reading ..

                  I'm not against therapy, like I said I understand it can be useful for couples. Maybe if we're mature enough to be thinking of all of these big plans then therapy could also be an option. I'm not sure why but I have this idea in my head that it would be added pressure? When I had depression I agreed with my doctor to try therapy for myself, the whole experience from making the appointment on the phone to actually speaking with someone. The lady that I spoke to seemed as though she was judgmental (I had a brief meeting with her to answer a few questions), I felt like the way she was questioning me was as though she was testing me on if I had a good enough reason to be there. I didn't want to just blurt out that I can't sleep because of worry, therefor can't function the next day. It was hard for me to admit to all of this because it felt like I was in the wrong.
                  I didn't go back after that day and ignored the phone calls.

                  It's silly to think that any two therapists are the same but it did get me quite worked up and I wouldn't want to go through a similar situation with my partner.

                  I agree that I am protective and I think it stems from him losing his mum. To be 100% honest I liked the pressure that I had somebody that needed me. But it did wear thin after the first few years when it got to a stage that I was doing everything and making the decisions. I think now that he's lived on his own for a few months he realises that the cleaning / cooking fairy doesn't exist and he appreciates it more.

                  Thanks for the heads up Baboy !

                  Comment

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