[psychomagnet]

Hello everyone, I'm a newbie.

Ok so here's my story. I'm 31, I used to be very pretty and out going the kind of girl everyone wanted to be around, now not so much. I've let myself go. I have a 4 year old daughter who is here by accident, but I lover her to death. I'm married to her father, it was a trashed relationship from the get go. He was married when we met, and I'm against dating married men so I blew him off. Come to find out he had his own apartment for 2 years and spoke to his at the time wife but no rekindling. He and I started to see eachother. I was told i could not conceive...I got pregnant three months into our relationship. His wife found out divorced him, yet plagued him constantly. Tons of mind games, wanted him back, etc. He wanted me to have an abortion, I didnt. He ended up 'choosing' me. I dealt with him sneaking around talking to her inappropriately for a long time, using their children as an excuse. She then started being a ***** and causing trouble for him so he weaned away yet will still kiss her ***. His kids are a HUGE issue, they are awful toward me, and he knows that after me being nice for 5 years to have them still walk all over me I now despise them. His oldest (13) just recently physically went after my mom.
My mom lives with us to watch my daughter. She is not relaibable to me...unless I'm supporting her, which I have been. I've had other issues with him. He recently ran into an old female 'friend' that he'd been talking to unbeknownst to me. I caught him, assumed he was cheating (if not why lie?) and confronted him, he DENIED to me for a while, till there was no denying then apologized and said it was innocent.
He's the type that is controlling, and thinks he can do what ever he wants. He wont even sit with our daughter cause he works all day. Uh so do I. I'm miserable at work so I just got a new job where I will work the 3rd shift. This way my ma can go off and stand on her own two feet for once. He claims he'l watch our kid. I KNOW he will renig. He gets angry all the time, our relationship has recently gotten physical cause his kids drive me insane, i bring it to him he thinks I am picking on them, it turns into them (him and the kids) against me and he blows up on me. I want to leave, yet sometimes I want to stay. He can be a good guy, he's been through a lot and thats what turned him into a creep. I know he can change it but he has to, not me. I have no money cause all my money goes into our home. If he doesnt watch our kid I cant take this new job. I feel very trapped. I dread splitting and moving but I cant help think things are never gonna change, I'm really depressed over all this. The worset is even though I love him, I've had a wandering eye. Never before have I EVER thought of chesting...lately every decent man looks good to me. I think thats a sign that I need to move on...or am i just desperate to have something normal? I just dont know what to do...

[psychomagnet]

sorry there are some serious spelling errors in there, I just cant figure out how to modify/edit the post. LOL that last bit is about cheating, not chesting! LOL

[bubbles]

I think sometimes relationships can be addicting and not neccessarily good for you. Sometimes people get addicted to caos, to stress, theres always something wrong or it doesnt feel right.
I think it is so easy to listen to others problems and see the way out or a light in the tunnel you cant always see in yourself, which is why I love this site... its helped me alot.
It sounds like you have a lot of co-dependants in your life... like you are living for everybody else. What happened to you along the way. A relationship that has you disrespected, a mother that you worry about taking care of, because shes not showing she can take care of herself, children that are mistreating you.... and not repecting what you do for them... etc..
What would happen if you put you first and said I'm going to take care of me now. What could be the worst thing that could happen??
Self worth, esteem, ...go back to school and do something YOU have always wanted to do in your life.... create a painting that you are the canvas and change what is not working for you now. You will meet new people and have a healthier outlook on your life...

[metalbudderfly]

wow i know exactly what your going through. im in a similar type of situation. yes i agree with bubbles you should get a little selfish here and take care of your self for once. the people who truly love you will support you. i know all about being in a bad relationship and not getting out of it due to being worried on making it on my own or having enough money or support or even hurting my mates feelings. it took me a long time to get up enough nerve to leave and i was poor and had almost nothing at first i slept on the floor of my new place for like two weeks but you know i was happy sooooo happy for the first time in my life for a long long time. i was a single mother of 2 boys at that time i did it on my own and gained lots of self confidence along the way. also if you feel like you might stray in the relationship by having thoughts on other men then maybe that is a sign your really not happy in the relationship your in right now. when i left i had to plan it out for a long time. luckily i had a job and secretly saved money and then when i had enough money and i got my new little place i made my move. it took me a year to do this. i was patient because i knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. trust me there is.

[LadyLane]

Lynne had great advice. I would also say, reading your post, you never mention that you love him or vice versa. You even put "choosing" me in quotes... it doesn't sound like the two of you were so in love to begin with, and you started your relationship with someone who was a cheater and a deceitful person to start with. It seems to me that maybe the two of you forced it, tried to make it work and it just wasn't meant to happen. His ex made it hard for you because she wanted to make it hard for him, and that added to it. It must be really hard for you with his kids, especially since heaven knows what their mother is telling them about you - they're poisoned against ever being able to judge you fairly. And now you say its gotten physical? Then leave him. You say you know he can change but he has to want to. It sounds like he's fine with who he is. And let's face it... most people don't change.

Try to remember the person you were - if you have changed, its because the situation has made you change. Who you were before him is still in there somewhere - find a glimmer of her, hold onto it, and build up to it. You don't need this man. A house is not a home if you hate being there. Take your daughter and go somewhere else - you make a home wherever you go if you and your daughter are safe, and love each other.

[psychomagnet]

Thank you guys.
I'm mostly scared cause I have no one to watch my daughter. Who happens to be sick as a dog right now, poor thing. I just got a new job working third shift so that i can kick my mom out and make a bit more money. Then I can save up.
Ya know, some of you hit it right on...we did force it. We were very much in love though. I htink we'd be ok without all this outside drama we have. Although I'd never ask him to not see his kids. Morally I'm against it, and if I wasnt I know he'd resent me for it. When we dont have all this drama we are ok. It sucks and seems very unfair.