[FedUp7777]

I have a unique situation, maybe. Maybe I just can't see straight any more. I need some guidance. H and I have discussed until we have no more to discuss. He admits he has done many things wrong in the past. He admits that he subconciously took advantage of my allowing him to control me for so many years that I have been emotionally abused through the years. He admits that it is hard for him to ever back down in an arguement because he needs to win and sees why I am afraid to push his buttons that might set him off. He says in recognizing all this, and slowly making changes daily, he feels/hopes it will be enough to win back my love over time. My delima is that I did not have the guts to tell him I was ready to leave because of all this until I felt I had nothing left to loose. I had lost my self respect, dignity, control over my feelings and emotions and had not felt love or passion for over 10 years. Because I said I wanted out, he finally agreed to counseling and loosing weight and recognizing the emotional abuse and making attempts to stop. It has been a few weeks since I really felt threatened but I told him last night I was afraid he was holding so much in that he would explode any day. He said there was no way that would happen. I run our small business and do not make an income yet - started it 2 years ago. He makes good money and we do great without my income. But I cannot leave and have a life of my own because I have no money.

Last night he said that I was free to go when I wanted to leave. But that he didn't feel quite as hopeless as me so he was not ready to separate, I would have to do that. This means that I will have to take on a second job (I work 7 days a week now) and shorten the store hours to work full time elsewhere. That's the only way to have a paycheck, insurance, etc. Why do I have to take on the extra work - oh, yes - because he says I'm the unhappy one and I have to make due. I would have to move away from the house, the 3 kids and all the comforts of home. He would remain with his salary and lifestyle.

Why is it that he is the one that controlled me all these years, emotionally abused me and now I have to give up everything to have peace of mind? I feel I have given up love and compassion and everything else that goes with being loved for so many years and now I do not have that still, but have to work 18 hours a day and still have nothing? If I stay and want to sleep in another room, I have to give up our comfortable bed, and bedroom and conveniences because he will not budge.

Anyone else been in this situation? I'm ready to tell him I'm not going anywhere, but I'm going back to dating - I need some positive emotion back in my life!!!!

Do I just stick around until he breaks the law and then risk loosing his job, which is the only family support right now?

[jody1971]

Life is too short to be miserable. If you don't love your husband, you can leave. It's not easy when he is the only source of income, but it can be done. My first husband was an abusive, controlling drunk. He wouldn't let me work or have my own money. He had an affair when I was pregnant. I finally had my fill when he hit me while I was holding our baby. I'll admit that it was hard when I left him. But it was worth it! I met and married my soul mate. I went through a rough patch with my 2nd husband a few yrs. ago, but I didn't leave him because I love him and wanted to work things out.Now our relationship is the best it's ever been. If you love your husband, then I think you should try to work on your relationship with him. But, if you've had enough and just want out, then go. If you have kids, he will have to help support them. Good luck!

[LadyLane]

What you are giving up you are doing for the most important reason in the world - for your FREEDOM.

The main reason women in bad relationships don't leave is because of lack of money. Yet another control factor making him smirk and think that no matter how you hate him, he's got you.

He intentionally doesn't pay you! Is it any wonder he says, well if you want to go, then go? He benefits every minute of his day from having you there, and you don't benefit at all! Can you call a divorce lawyer and get some advice while you're at work, or would he find out? I'm curious to know if you can kick someone out - in other words, change the locks while he's out at McDonald's, and don't let him in!

The person who leaves is considered in legal terms (anonwhitefemale, correct me if I'm wrong) the one who abandons the marriage, which is why some people stay in the same house and some people fight tooth and nail over who should go. Don't go yet. Stay and fight and be your own best investigator.... find out your legal rights in all the aspects of your life and what happens if you want to leave.

I'm really rooting for you here - we all are.

[FedUp7777]

BTW, I'm 48 white female, college educated. To add to the difficulties, DD is bipolar. Just got a call and have to admit her to the hospital tonight. Had to 2 years ago, and it's been on the verge for 8 months now but we have tried to not do this. Of course, her condition makes home life even worse, she atacks me verbally and physically. He just started attempting to protect me from her after 15 years of letting her go at it. But I'm hospitalizing her today. She has abused me verbally for 2 straight weeks and I have had it. Wish it was so easy with the H.

[kaylar]

I came across a similar case. In this one, the
child's problems were directly linked to the
home situation; (which mirrors yours) and
the wife, (who had 'stayed together for
the sake of the children' was now a complete
mess, feeling responsible).

What she did, I don't know if you can, is
admit the child to the hospital, leave the
matrimonial home, got a job, got a small
flat, and after a few months, when she
was virtually 'a new person', took the
child home for the weekend, and things
began to improve.

It wasn't over night, obviously, but in about
six months the improvement in the child was
remarkable.

So you might want to consider this.l

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I've read all of your threads and I really feel for you.

I really think that this guy is a nightmare, and you will never be happy around him.

How old are your children?

How about, you quit doing that ****** job that apparently takes up all of your time, which doesn't profit you at all, and get an actual normal paid job! That way you're making your own money, paying it into your own account, and having time of your own etc...

It's good that he's getting better... but I don't really think that means that the relationship is worth it though. I think for you and your children you really need to get out. I can only imagine how crushed and demorailsed you feel, and to be in the position where you regretfully resign yourself to an existance you hate. This is your only time here on this world, your existance is a miracle, your life is something precious which you can never get back, you need to enjoy the little time we have here, because that's it [no afterlife for me]!

LadyLane, I don't really know divorce law at all, and I bet it's different in England than it is in America. You cant even have pre-nuptual agreements here. I guess that's why I don't think I'll get married - no splitting of assets for me. I don't know if you have to prove that someone's ruined the relationship, but being beaten by them and completely mistreated seems like as good a reason as cheating, or whatever.

So.... just stop doing the job that makes you no money. If it makes him money, demand a cut - or that he pays you from his salary instead. Living separated would be a nightmare, and if you brought a guy round what would he do? I think the age of your children is important, as it affects how much support they require from you.

There HAS to be a way you can make moving out work, and liking a big television should hold you back. Please, go.

[FedUp7777]

Thanks for all the kind comments. My kids are 18, 16, 13. The oldest goes to college this fall. Just admitted the 16 yr old girl to mental hospital tonight. It was very intersting when she made a comment that daddy knows everything about everybody and knows enough to tell them all what to do all the time. Then she said but he does it because he loves us and takes care of us. Out of the mouth of babes....

As far as the job, it is a retail store I opened 2 years ago at his urging. We opened it in my name only. All debt is in my name. He was afraid of ruining his credit score and it would work against his job and career. Of course someone has to support the family so I agreed. Had not real choice actually. It is so young it is not profitable to pay me yet. I used to have a great paying career but he wanted a family business that is profitable so he can retire early. I love the store, it is motorcycle leather and I ride and I love my customers, etc. He gets jealous of all the attnetion I get, but says he handles it ok. If I closed it now, I would loose my shirt and my credit would be ruined. I have to keep it til it makes enough to pay off all the debt incurred by opening it. The only thing I can figure to do is get a full time job and only open this in the evening and weekends after I finish working somewhere else, thus I would be putting in about 18 hours a day. I do not have employees, cant afford to pay anyone yet.

He's really close to our daughter and it hurts him to have to admit her to the hospital. She worships him and he needs that very much since I will not anymore. Tonight he kept trying to hug me, rub my leg, rub my back, get closer, this after I keep telling him I do not want to be touched. We were in a mental hospital - I don't think it would have looked right to go off on him invading my boundaries... but I should have anyway. What's his problem that he cannot stop touching me!!! I know it is because he needed comfort and was using me for it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Brave lady to one talk about it, two realise it.

Please see my post on Husbands/Finance, it is simular in so many ways.

Can i explain where i am at 10 month's later, the beauty i feel now, the desire and passion for another man?

Can it be possible...

Yep, absolutely.

Happy to really share with you with what ever you need. Just post back.

---

Truly, my heart breaks over this, i am 45, alas, no children, and i am so sorry about the mental problem of your child.

But i own my own business to, it is under my name to, it was a risk he would not take, i would, it is rewarding like yours, it is flirtacious like yours. And my ex, tried and tried, to do the things to bring me back, but worse, they said, they are so happy we are together, he, turned up late, sex was like, his, not ours, so i just said ENOUGH./.

Again, i can add alot more, i am sure and i'd love to help, i have 3 neices and nephews, to 17 so i also understand children to a tee.

Dont be sad, let's work towards happy,

---

There HAS to be a way you can make moving out work, and liking a big television should hold you back. Please, go.


There is nothing that you said here that i could not have said better......

[laurianna1969]

Its my story too

When I read your story I thought someone was writing about me.

Controlling husband who took advantage, running the business but not getting paid. Husband always has to win an argument at all costs. Will not leave the house etc.

Well I'll tell you what I did hun. I bloody left him. I took my two kids aged 5 and 7 packed a bag and walked out leaving him in our beautiful house and I never went back.

He begged, pleaded and promised to change. I didnt care, the damage was done and 15 years of abuse made me good and mad and I never looked back.

I had a job (plus running his business from home too) and I carried on with that and moved in with my parents for 19 months.

I met someone new after about 5 months of seperation and we have been together for 7 years and are very happy.

My ex married again and had a son.

The downside is he is still a controlling bully and has taken me to court 8 times in the last few years, and lost, because he is a bully and cant back down. I have spent 20grand in solicitors fees fighting him, but I WILL NOT BE BULLIED BY HIM AGAIN.

If you leave and have kids he will try to make your life a misery (but only if you meet someone new) if you dont meet someone he will be a condesending creep who trys to appear as the perfect father and husband to prove you were in the wrong to leave him.

Be brave and go. You will NOT regret it no matter what ****e he throws at you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I re-read this again today.

The verbal and emotional abuse has you walking around on "egg shells", one minute your happy and just pottering around and the next minute out comes some words from no where? And, you start to stand up for yourself, then you see that look in his eye. You wonder if it will ever get worse and turn to physical, but somehow it doesn't.

I was married for 7 years, lived with him for 8 and there was nothing that you said in your thread that i did not experience over and over.

The times he was happy was when he was out with his mates, on his motorbike, or having drinks watching something "he liked" on TV. The abuse as such, or control, took over the whole house, every room belonged to him, contained his things that " i could not touch" nor the cleaner.

Un-like your husband, my refused councelling, seemed he did that with two other girlfriends before me " stating for them, alcohol etc" and he further claimed that he was "told" that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him, it was in fact them. In another words, mine did not admit it, he put it back onto me, it was me.

I to got to the stage where i had nothing but "discust" for him, i cringed at seeing him instead of wanting to and i was ready to go.

Interesting as finance goes, as i could stand on my own two feet but had no home, didn't think i could purchase one, and business was my own, he had dragged me down so far that it wasn't going to well.

But, i did leave... The banks did help me.... Slowly that business is very busy and will survive and then some and before i left, i secured myself by making him go 50/50 on the building i work from.

When i met him he had a shell of a house, we borrowed and renovated most of it, he never had enough to do anything to it, so i did along the way, therefore no savings when it was time to go...

Now, he has suggested that i own more, therefore he will be wanting some hard $$$ in divorce?

So, i do feel for you when you feel someone has the comforts.

The areas we live in, i am now in a poorer area and he is in a richer area, but you know what, i don't care.

I have 4 bed/ 2 bth/ spa/ pool/ triple garage, and every room now has my walk in wardrobes, jewelery room, shoes, i now have rooms and my car now lives in the garage.

Money is money, you make it again, look way ahead and know that you will.

I don't know the laws over there, but i can't see where you won't get support financially for the children nor that he can have everything if you leave as you were married 10 years.

There are many people like you who have lived through what you are living through.

It's scary to take the step and go, but you know what, if you stay and date, he will be worse to you if not maybe even physical, and you have to see his face every day.

You are better of, finding out what you can do out there in this world on your own and go.

You'll be so much happier trust me... AND FREE