[cheatedon1979]

I just found out my husband of 8 years cheated on me with a 19 year old girl.we are both 29. We have a 3 year old little girl and he didnt care. turns out although he is the one that cheated he is the one being all cold to me. so after a little digging i found out that he actually developed feelings for this girl and he wanted his space. well i confronted the girl and just simply asked her if she knew he was married and had a kid and she simply said yes. so i told him she was a little hoochie and wanted nothing but to have fun with him. so then i decided to tell her what a loser he was. i told her that when i met him he didnt even know how to put gasoline into a car! he had everything he had because of me. everything she saw, from the clothes he wore to the car he drove to work was mine. and yeah he worked but all the money he made was going towards his DUI charge and court fees and now it all rested on her to help him get out of that cuz i sure wasnt. i think she was actually shocked to find out what a loser she was because i just found out they supposedly dont talk anymore and she wants nothing to do with him. so he is out there drinking his pain away. now if i did all that to make me feel better, then why do i feel so lousy. i cant sleep, cant eat, cant really concentrate at work, and looking at my kid makes me cry. when she asks for him i just tell her he is at work. i dont think she will buy that story for too long but i can tell she gets deppressed sometimes and has started to be a little cry-baby i guess you can say. i mean i understand her. she misses her daddy as do i. but i cant shake the fact that he slept with someone else. sometimes i get such images that make me cry all night. i feel so betrayed and used. i gave him everything and was even working overtime at work to try to pay off the court fees faster.
although i did kick him out, and now im in the process of moving in with my sister, he still calls me. if he wanted his space why does he keep calling? and how long will this pain last? im so tired of hurting and feeling sad thinking he is out there free with no responsibilities and i have to see my baby be sad and depressed. Help. any advice would be great. should i cut him out completely? let him see his kid?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I just found out my husband of 8 years cheated on me with a 19 year old girl.we are both 29. We have a 3 year old little girl and he didnt care. turns out although he is the one that cheated he is the one being all cold to me. so after a little digging i found out that he actually developed feelings for this girl and he wanted his space. well i confronted the girl and just simply asked her if she knew he was married and had a kid and she simply said yes. so i told him she was a little hoochie and wanted nothing but to have fun with him. so then i decided to tell her what a loser he was. i told her that when i met him he didnt even know how to put gasoline into a car! he had everything he had because of me. everything she saw, from the clothes he wore to the car he drove to work was mine. and yeah he worked but all the money he made was going towards his DUI charge and court fees and now it all rested on her to help him get out of that cuz i sure wasnt. i think she was actually shocked to find out what a loser she was because i just found out they supposedly dont talk anymore and she wants nothing to do with him. so he is out there drinking his pain away. now if i did all that to make me feel better, then why do i feel so lousy. i cant sleep, cant eat, cant really concentrate at work, and looking at my kid makes me cry. when she asks for him i just tell her he is at work. i dont think she will buy that story for too long but i can tell she gets deppressed sometimes and has started to be a little cry-baby i guess you can say. i mean i understand her. she misses her daddy as do i. but i cant shake the fact that he slept with someone else. sometimes i get such images that make me cry all night. i feel so betrayed and used. i gave him everything and was even working overtime at work to try to pay off the court fees faster.
although i did kick him out, and now im in the process of moving in with my sister, he still calls me. if he wanted his space why does he keep calling? and how long will this pain last? im so tired of hurting and feeling sad thinking he is out there free with no responsibilities and i have to see my baby be sad and depressed. Help. any advice would be great. should i cut him out completely? let him see his kid?

You reacted like a woman. And your hurting like a woman, all because, you are a woman.

You have a beautiful little girl who is only (3) and whilst it breaks anyone's heart to break up a bond between both parents and a child, you both are important.

If he has "used you" for what at least 4 years? And, doesn't contribute to the growth of your lives, your living, and you work and look after a child and he still doesn't respect all that you have done, therefore has cheated, he will again.

You have the chance to make it on your own. What money you had left over you gave to him, now give to you and your child.

I am sure you will meet someone else along the way who will love you and your little girl and help support with love and finance and you'll feel a million dollars.

I say go in the direction you are going.

Men sometimes can't let go and if the received everything on a platter and now have to fend for themselves and has lost the 19 year old so has to do that by himself to, why would you want to do that all again for him, so he can slip back into his world and you can continue with your pain.

The pain will go in time... Time to look after you, and your little one.

[rcoreyus]

My feeling is that your child is your top priority, and she needs her dad. Put on a show of still loving you husband until your daughter is older.

There are many reasons men cheat - sometimes it is just a passing fling - in which case it may not happen again. Sometimes it is beacuse they are missing something in their relationship at home.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My feeling is that your child is your top priority, and she needs her dad. Put on a show of still loving you husband until your daughter is older.

There are many reasons men cheat - sometimes it is just a passing fling - in which case it may not happen again. Sometimes it is beacuse they are missing something in their relationship at home.

I agree rcoreyus, regarding the child being the top priority. And, i think that every child has a right to know their parents and no parent should take that away.

But there was more to the story than just him cheating and she is just as important.

The way i saw it, she worked over time, cared for him and a 3 year old, paid for his clothes, his car, and all his money went on DUI charges and Courts. And, now he's drinking more and more.

I also agree that perhaps something is missing in their relationship at home, pending on whether he has been like this all his life, or past few years.

But, she can't keep working to pay for him when he in turn, turns on her, disprespects her and doesn't give.

Both her and her child deserve better. And, dad can still be in the picture.

Perhaps, he's a free spirit, doesn't like relationship tie downs, with children on top. Perhaps, he's a batchelor, perhaps a lot.

Seeing as she took the move, she can ease slowly and see if she can re-build the relationship if it is worth it and certainly not be concerned of the cheating, if it was a once of, but look for the root of the cause.

But it appears to me, he cheated, he drinks, he has fines all the time to pay, he doesn't give but takes..... You can't change someone. As i said, if he has always been like this, he always will be and only she knows that.

Best wishes, and success to her.

[rcoreyus]

Its such a tough situation. I was a foster parent for a 5 year old girl. One time I asked her where she would most like to go (my wife an I were doing everying we could to spoil her - and she seemed happy), I expected an answer like "Disneyland" or something. Instead she said "Back home with mom and dad".

Children are so attached and loyal to their parents -whether the parents deserve it or not. Nothing angeres me more than someone who doesn't live up to their children's love and trust.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Its such a tough situation. I was a foster parent for a 5 year old girl. One time I asked her where she would most like to go (my wife an I were doing everying we could to spoil her - and she seemed happy), I expected an answer like "Disneyland" or something. Instead she said "Back home with mom and dad".

Children are so attached and loyal to their parents -whether the parents deserve it or not. Nothing angeres me more than someone who doesn't live up to their children's love and trust.

It is tough, and that's a loving thing to share. Is it possible that a 3 year old may have less memories than a 5 year old.

My ex- husband's previously relationship involved a 5 year old girl. He took her to school, bathed her, showed her how to fix cars, ( well ).. on that one, and then they separated of course. That little girl loved him, as her mother had none to give. She was more willing to leave her with him and go back to the Country (3 hrs drive) for the weekend with her friends than be with her child.

I guess therefore, i feel for this 3 year old. I can only visualise this man, not being there, arguing in front of her, drinking or being drunk in front of her and the cause and effect it may have on her in the long term.

You both gave a love to this child, and broke your heart when those words came out. It seems that only one parent is giving love to this one, which i think would be worse for this child..

I grew up with one parent's love, and the other loving my brother more and showing it. This turned to me not feeling love for her or for my brother but only my Dad.

I left home at 16 as a result, confused about love totally. It allowed me to enter wrong relationships seeking for that total love.

I have only now found what that truly means and for me, i find that sad.

My whole family are now close. But i often wonder about the wasted years i had and mistakes i made along the way searching for that love.

If she can leave that "abuse" of disrespect and find a man who loves her and her child and that child grows up with two loving parents, not one who seems to be a "wonderer" perhaps batchelor, and not see arguments or drunkeness is it possible her future will be so much brighter? And mums?

It is tough isn't it. .

[cheatedon1979]

Thanks everyone..all your thoughts and advice helps. i do understand that my kid is the first priority, and im giving it my all to move us on forward. On the other hand, he keeps calling me, but still has feelings for this girl on the side. Something that will never work, its impossible to love 2 people at the same time..

[AfterChildren]

Do not stay with him just for the sake of your child. He can be in her life and out of yours. Staying with him and "putting on a show of still loving him" will only hurt you and her more in the long run. Would you stay with someone that you are trying to show love to, for the sake of your child, just to have her find out that he is still cheating? Think of what that would do to your daughter. Plus, for you to "take him back" even if it was just a show, would cast a shadow of misery and your daughter would pick up on it too. Children are funny in that way. Keep moving and good luck to you and your daughter...