[Guest]

I agree I don't think he's having an affair. He might be staying at work late to avoid being home though. You do need to find someone who will watch your kids and make time for your husband. Show him that he is still the man you love. If he won't talk to you then put love notes in the pockets of his pants or in his lunch box. Does he have email at work? Send him love letters to his email account. Don't be afraid to sound silly.
Men love to be told how special they are to us. They love affection showered on them too. For a few nights put him before your kids. Put them to bed early and make time for him. Don't get stuck in the mommy rut you are still a woman who needs her man as much as he needs his woman.

i'm not trying to be argumentative here - i think this is great advice. you need to do all these things.

but i would be careful about doing them now. all we know is what you said in a paragraph, so it's hard to really diagnose anything.

but if your husband is really feeling trapped & suffocated by his life - all these little displays of affection will repel him even faster. you'll feel like you're really accomplishing a lot - which will make you feel better - but he'll feel even more overwhelmed - which will make what he's trying to overcome even harder.

i'm not saying you should disregard this - it's great advice. just be careful. now may not be the time.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I don't think he's having an affair. Kaylar is always eager to give the bleakest opinion on men.

He just doesn't have any fun any more. Life is ****, obligation, nothing for him. Absolutely anyone can have a "mid-life" crisis, I'm probably going through one now and I'm only 22. If you can do anything to take the pressure off him, it'd only help. For example on his weekend off don't make him do the garden or whatever, let him spend some time doing something he wants to do. Try to reignite some semblance of a sex life.

[Angie M]

Thanks, guys , for all your great advise. Last night when he came home, we stayed up talking till around 3am. He said he is feeling unhappy about the place his life is right now. His work can be very stressful, and I had no idea of some of the things that are going on there till last night. ( in all fairness, the last time he told he about problems like this at work, my water broke and I went into labor! no joke!) He agreed to open up to me more, and I agreed to make things as stress free as possible for him at home. He has always worked a 40+ hr week,and since we dont rely on the money now, he's going to scale back on the side jobs. No more working on Sundays, which is big for me, because our family is very involved in church, and it would be nice for him to go every now and then. Also we are going to start doing a weekly family night and spend some quality time together with the kids. We are going to try and squeeze a date night in every week or two for time alone. I am happy to know that he sees a future between us and he still loves me and is willing to work for us. I have never been so scared as I was the other night when he came home and told me he was thinking about leaving. It was like a knife in my gut. Thinking of our family without him in it made me sick (I actuallt did throw up a few times) I just love him so much, and I couldn't believe we could get to this point. But we did. Now to get passed it....I have my 1st appt. with the therapist next week. Im hoping that he will come with me in time. we'll see. Chris is the kind of guy that lets lifes every day pests add up inside him, and then they snowball into some big issuse. I hope he sees that he can talk to me and that I cant fix it if I dont know its broken. We have a long road ahead of us, and I know that it wont be better overnight. But just knowing that he loves me, us, enough to work on things and not just walk away is big. the next few weeks(months) will be tough. Please keep our family in your thoughts. Thankyou all again for the advise, and if anyone else has any ideas or tips, please jump in! I'll take all the help I can get, and this is much cheaper than therapy! I will keep you posted on any happenings....

[C]

Good......Yes, I have a few things to say on this but I am just leaving...I will write you later....xox Caroline

[Guest]

sounds like you guys are well on your way - the couples who are successful over time are the ones who learn to partner together to solve problems. that's always hard since the problems usually result from one spouse hurting another, intentionally or not.

i'm confident you can work through it. they say that the undeniable mark of someone who has truly walked with God is that they walk with a limp. as you know, there is always sacrifice & brokenness along the road to being redeemed.

same is true for marriages. if you could see all there was to see about most marriages that have stood the test of time - the ones that really appear to be good - you'd find that just about every one of them has a scar.

olympic snowboarders fall many times - & learn from every fall - and break a lot of bones before they can offer the slick & flawless show you see when you watch the X games. when they fall & look down at the bone sticking out of their leg - it's tempting to throw in the towel. if you want to be great, you have to rehabilitate (which is painful) & keep going.

same for olympic lovers.

you & your husband are going for the gold in a world where most are satisfied with rusty aluminum. expect to cry. expect to get angry. and expect that every tear & sleepless hour is an investment in something greater than you can even imagine now.

i hope we can all be as strong as you when we inevitably fall & don't want to get up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Beautfifully said Whilhelm.

The two most potent incredients for that success, is love and communication and it's evident that you and Chris have both just got in a rut of every day living and the stress that manifests from that instead of taking time out to "smell the roses".

Faith obviously for you is also important and the strength you can draw from that will help you both through.

Just take things slowly would be my advice.

Don't try to cram all these different new things, experiences into your relationship all at one as it will become overwhelming.

What you are planning sounds perfect for a starting point and as you get used to that, you can then add other things in to enhance your marriage.

Intimacy with love is another beautiful thing. In as much as a touch on his shoulder and smile, as you walk past him for no reason, that form of intimacy.

It kind of touches the soul and as he gets used to that love, it will be returned in like.

Even little things like, whilst your doing the dishes and he walks past you, grab some soap suds and splash him with them and laugh.

Guarantee you'll both laugh.....

Best of wishes to your obvious grounded love.

[C]

With all the excellent advice you have been given, I was just going to pass on writing you....I guess I am more into the hot sexual side of marriage...Yet saying this, there are many things similar to your life and ours...He was not my high school sweetheart but I met him at 19 and we married at 21. I, like you, had the three babies by the time I was 28. But from the day I met him I swore no matter what, he would always think that he was the most important person in my life....I would let him know that I loved my babies but he was the man that took me to the ball long ago and honey, I always remembered this...So, when we were horny and wanted sex, I can recall going in the bathroom laying on the floor having sex. We would flush the toilet until we got our cookies off...Kids never knew it....It was great.....Thinking about this now it is funny, but at the time it was necessary...It has made us who we are to this day and he still thinks he is number one and always has.

What I have just said is necessary in a good marriage...Love your babies with your heart and soul but find time for him even if it is in the morning before you get out of bed. That is what keeps a marriage strong...Slow him down from the fast work lane..Establish a hot sexual life as that is your trump card against his family...He will cling to you but only if you teach him too....These are the ways of a woman.....Learn them well.

Take care of yourself..Let him look at you and remember who he fell in love with...Don't let yourself go and get sloppy...This is important for you and he must always remember who you used to be long ago...Remember the heat that you had and always find it...Flirt with him, sexually play with him when the kids are no longer around...Don't forget to remember who you used to be...Don't ever let boredom set in. Keep it exciting and love like two fools.

All of the things I have said above are probably who and what that man and I are...I adore him....I would die for him and I rape him every chance possible......I can't believe I just said that but it is the truth.....So goes life....Oh, and we will be married 50 of the hottest years that are sexually possible this year.....

Much love to you and your guy.....May you find what we have found....Caroline

[GixxerChic]

Don't Give Up!

Angie, I'm also very sorry you're going through this. But kudos to you for reaching out to people for help!

All I want to tell you is to not give up. He said he didn't want to move out because that would mean he wouldn't come back. And you said if you two had more time alone to be a couple, you may be able to work things out. Please be strong! You're marriage does have hope. Don't give up!!!

[Angie M]

update.....

Hi all,
just wanted to update my story. I have had my first counseling appt., and it went really well. Got some good ideas about how to work on our relationship and how to relax. As for the husband, we have been communicating much better and making time for eachother. That seems to help some. I'm starting to see that man I fell in love with again. And the kids are happier to be spending more time with dad, so that takes some stress off me. We are also having much improvement in the bedroom, so I am thrilled with that! I read some of the posts in the sex forum and got some good ideas to keep it hot. Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks to you all again for helping me through this rough time. We will continue to work on things (I guess you never stop, do you? ) and build our relationship in every way.

[patricias213]

With all the excellent advice you have been given, I was just going to pass on writing you....I guess I am more into the hot sexual side of marriage...Yet saying this, there are many things similar to your life and ours...He was not my high school sweetheart but I met him at 19 and we married at 21. I, like you, had the three babies by the time I was 28. But from the day I met him I swore no matter what, he would always think that he was the most important person in my life....I would let him know that I loved my babies but he was the man that took me to the ball long ago and honey, I always remembered this...So, when we were horny and wanted sex, I can recall going in the bathroom laying on the floor having sex. We would flush the toilet until we got our cookies off...Kids never knew it....It was great.....Thinking about this now it is funny, but at the time it was necessary...It has made us who we are to this day and he still thinks he is number one and always has.

What I have just said is necessary in a good marriage...Love your babies with your heart and soul but find time for him even if it is in the morning before you get out of bed. That is what keeps a marriage strong...Slow him down from the fast work lane..Establish a hot sexual life as that is your trump card against his family...He will cling to you but only if you teach him too....These are the ways of a woman.....Learn them well.

Take care of yourself..Let him look at you and remember who he fell in love with...Don't let yourself go and get sloppy...This is important for you and he must always remember who you used to be long ago...Remember the heat that you had and always find it...Flirt with him, sexually play with him when the kids are no longer around...Don't forget to remember who you used to be...Don't ever let boredom set in. Keep it exciting and love like two fools.

All of the things I have said above are probably who and what that man and I are...I adore him....I would die for him and I rape him every chance possible......I can't believe I just said that but it is the truth.....So goes life....Oh, and we will be married 50 of the hottest years that are sexually possible this year.....

Much love to you and your guy.....May you find what we have found....Caroline

All of this is so very true! Well said!