[C]

My husband (I can't believe this is actually happening) recently told me has been having an affair. Sleeping with her, taking trips with her, falling in love with her. We have been married 17 years. Two kids. I was totally blindsided by this. I hadn't a clue until he totally lost interest in having sex with me. After tears and hours of talking we have decided to try to start a new relationship rather than return to the old one. That will be challenging, sometimes seeming impossible, but I know we can do it. I have that hope. I would go insane if I did not.

I miss sex so much, I want to be with him again and start living a whole life rather than this empty, horrible one. How do I do it, though? How can I possibly kiss him or touch him without thinking of what he did with/to/for that other woman? How can I get through this? How can I ever be with him again if I can't get past this?

Your big mistake was made when you had children. I came from a lousy family with no love. When I married my husband, who was so terribly good looking and popular, I swore when we had children that he would always think he was number one in my life. And I did...Always have, each and every minute we have been married..At least I made him think this....So much that when we had our first baby exactly 9 months and 19 days after we were married he asked me not to nurse her but to recover quickly so that he could enjoy the breast's that he loved to suck...When he asked me this, I didn't think twice. I knew my baby would be loved and feed well but my lover needed me more. We were so young at 21 and 22 and we still are so young with that same passion of the ages and I adore him. When the children, we had three, were young and he needed me so bad, on more than a few occasion's we would go into the bathroom on the floor and make love. Just keep flushing the toilet to cut out the moaning. Thinking back on this I smile. Those were the days of wine and roses.

I think you just may have forgotten that one thing. I have read what you have said and yes, I believe you can forget because you can't stand the loss of that man loving you and filling your heart with the joy of the love that you both have....BUT it will not be easy. If she, the other woman, comes into the picture, let it go. It is over but if the two of you can go back to yesterday and start again, then make love like two fools and throw every inhibition that you have right out that window and show your man what a real woman is......Go get him girl....Much love, Caroline

[sourpuss]

I think the biggest issue here is not the affair, the kids or the other woman but the fact that you have no personal identity without this man. You said you simply cannot define yourself outside the context of him. That's pretty upsetting considering that he's been cheating and told you he's in love with another woman.

You need to fall in love with another woman as well....yourself. Until you can become your own person, he will always control every aspect of your life and relationship, do you really want someone who has betrayed you this badly being in complete control?

[C]

I am sure many will think what I have suggested for this woman is far from the right advice. But I see a desperation here that has to be dealt with. This is a shock to her. She is struggling both to have him again and face what has happened. I know from something that has happened in my life with someone I know, that this has to be handled carefully. She definately must find herself and at the same time prepare herself for what her future will be.

When a woman lives with a man as long as this woman has lived with her husband, she loses her identity. Maybe three years ago I really had no identity either. Now I do. I know who I am and I stand tall. BUT she doesn't. She is lost in a time warp going back many years and this man is her heart and soul. She has two children but her world has been crushed. I am not stu*id in my thinking on this thread but she needs reassurance for all her tomorrow's. Either way, they will not be easy...TC, C

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think the biggest issue here is not the affair, the kids or the other woman but the fact that you have no personal identity without this man. You said you simply cannot define yourself outside the context of him. That's pretty upsetting considering that he's been cheating and told you he's in love with another woman.

You need to fall in love with another woman as well....yourself. Until you can become your own person, he will always control every aspect of your life and relationship, do you really want someone who has betrayed you this badly being in complete control?

Sourpuss, yes i think it is a valid point, but easily done, this especially from a "wife who was verbally and emotionally abused" thereby he had a lot of control, that being before i found me totally again and left.
Understandably, this is a huge issue for her.

It takes time though to rediscover, to take that first step to find yourself again, fortunately for me, i was never totally lost, the little rebelious girl was always on show. But it still took time, 7 years to be exact. Somehow sometimes, you think things will "change", as you just want to believe in marriage. But, as this situation occured, he had an affair with his motor bikes and mates, 24/7 for 3 months and that became my final straw.

But, i see that she has agreed to take those baby steps so that's important. Over time, she may very well see that as he stated he "loved" the other woman, she will continue her journey of self discovery and no longer love him as she re-gains herself, as her forgiveness may not be enough.

But then again, she feels that she co-orced him into adopting children as they tried and tried, so for her, not him, it appears he agreed but then couldn't handle the loss of what they had.

I agree with rycoryus and i agree with what you are saying and all actually.



I also think you need to ascertain why he "fell in love" and why "out of love with you" because you can't love more than one person in my books, and then try to re-gain it when one is gone. That to me is also a key issue, as it will play on your mind and not allow you to move either way.

[GZGirl]

Blurry, but becoming focused

All of these comments are so helpful to me. I am gathering strength from your voices.

I obviously need a different plan. Here's a twist that I still have to consider: six months ago we moved (as a family) to a foreign country for his work. I quit my job to join him here. (In case you are wondering, the affair started about two weeks after we arrived). I am now living overseas with no support of any kind. BUT if I decide to leave him now, I am going to deprive my kids of the chance to live here and deprive myself of this experience. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea if I can get my job back. Should this be a factor?? If I were in the states, I know he would have moved out by now. Here we are stuck in the same small apartment, just as dependant on one another as we were when we first got here. I have to decide to stay here or move in three months when school leaves out. We will be separated by a 12 hour time difference and the kids won't see him for over a year. Does this change anyone's opinion?
This totally sucks.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

All of these comments are so helpful to me. I am gathering strength from your voices.

I obviously need a different plan. Here's a twist that I still have to consider: six months ago we moved (as a family) to a foreign country for his work. I quit my job to join him here. (In case you are wondering, the affair started about two weeks after we arrived). I am now living overseas with no support of any kind. BUT if I decide to leave him now, I am going to deprive my kids of the chance to live here and deprive myself of this experience. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea if I can get my job back. Should this be a factor?? If I were in the states, I know he would have moved out by now. Here we are stuck in the same small apartment, just as dependant on one another as we were when we first got here. I have to decide to stay here or move in three months when school leaves out. We will be separated by a 12 hour time difference and the kids won't see him for over a year. Does this change anyone's opinion?
This totally sucks.

I am sensing that you actually have made your mind up but need the strenght to do it. So there may be a bit more to the story here.

Certainly i have read this story before somewhere, moving but i think it happened before and then he moved here there, not the other way around.

But is is a bit more controlling, i think. You in his eyes are "stuck". There may be more you need to tell in order for the true honest advice?

Legally you probably need advise regarding living arrangements and where you can and can't move with your children, tending to think where you came from will be regarded as where you "live". Are there family there in the States and the job you had, is it a job that is easy to obtain if not back with that Company?

As for depriving yourself of that experience, sorry that is life, you can gain many overseas experiences later in life, it shouldn't be a focus at the moment.

Why also do you think he would have moved out by now if you were in the States?

Love to try to answer more, but you've just changed the whole issue of the first reasons i think, you are thinking more, which is a good thing but we can only go of of what you are saying....

[C]

I did not see where the kids were adopted and this changes what I wrote. He may not feel the closeness that you do with the children...That was a pretty big step...

With your being in the outside world working for all these years, I would think you could make the transition like the other posters. With his starting the affair two weeks after you arrived it must have been in the works. I will agree with them. Get out and get a life. I doubt the kids will make a difference with him if he is into the affair and chose to do this after you arrived.

I guess I still stick with the identity deal. But ours is a different story and we have been married for so long that we connect at the rib....

[kaylar]

I think the biggest issue here is not the affair, the kids or the other woman but the fact that you have no personal identity without this man. You said you simply cannot define yourself outside the context of him. That's pretty upsetting considering that he's been cheating and told you he's in love with another woman.

You need to fall in love with another woman as well....yourself. Until you can become your own person, he will always control every aspect of your life and relationship, do you really want someone who has betrayed you this badly being in complete control?

This is the Core Point.

Many women will say; "My whole World has ended!"
when their husband is caught cheating, or leaves
them or files for divorce.

WHOLE WORLD

Men will say; "My marraige is over!"

Marriage

Notice that the ancient concept of 'ownership'
of women exists in the ID of marriage, where
the husband 'owns' the wife, the wife is
subsumed by the husband, so that she has no
life outside of the marriage.

Women who have no life or identity save as
the appendage of their husbands are invariably
the ones who are dumped by their husbands.

This seems illogical until you translate it.

Imagine the Husband is the 'Boss' and the wife
is the 'Secretary'. How many Bosses will keep
a Secretary who makes them have to do her work?

A Secretary who can make no decision, take no
responsibility, and if the Boss is absent, will
sit and do nothing.

Think about it.

Helpmeet is a Partner.
This kind of 'He is my Whole World' is not
partnership, it is slavery.

Many men can not take the burden of these kinds
of wives. They hate coming home, they hate the
extra work, they do not want to have to think for
someone else; hence divorcing, cheating on, and
otherwise escaping these marriages is standard.

The first thing this poster must do is exist.

[C]

This is the Core Point.

Many women will say; "My whole World has ended!"
when their husband is caught cheating, or leaves
them or files for divorce.

WHOLE WORLD

Men will say; "My marraige is over!"

Marriage

But Kay, this is so hard to do when you have given your heart and soul to a man...You have let him find a part of you that you never new existed. When you did this you truly left that part of your life behind you. That part was the woman who was on the prowl....Trying to change back to that woman of long ago would be so hard for me if not impossible. I guess now I am trying to think back to my younger years. Now add children and the task must be near unbearable..

I know years ago when I got mad that "divorce" word came up but that was a part of the woman in me that did not know what she was talking about. It was probably over an argument about the kids as he had a tendency of punishing them different than I did and believe me, kids will match one parent against the other to get their way. That was another stu*id time....

Yet saying this, I know that I now could survive as I have a purpose. God help me I would probably go public and get my brains beat out. So it is a good thing that I cling to him like a woman caught in the depth of passion and love...I know of no other way to live....

[kaylar]

The point I usually make here is that...
what if after xyz years of marriage the
husband died?

A number of women become basket cases
when their husbands die.

They don't want to get out of bed, they
don't know what to do, they have no life.

Very often, these women get cheated,
virtually giving away their property, if the
have children, becoming a resented burden
to them, and just 'marking time' until they
die.

I recall a woman in her forties...yes, she
was 45 and her husband of 25 years died
and that women virtually willed herself to
death. I thought she was like 70.

Another woman got counselling and became
the 'merry widow', her life continued, she
contributed to society.

I recall celebrating the 60th Wedding anniversary
of another friend, whose husband died soon
after, and yet, because she was a person in
her own right for those 60 years, she could
continue.

So being your own person is not being anti-
marriage, it is a very necessary trait.

Women who are in happy marriages should
still strive for that kind of 'me' identity which
enhances a relationship.

There is a difference between husband coming
in from wherever and being the only one with
a life outside the home, and both of them
coming in to share experiences.

I recall one very old man who said to me;
"The reason I stayed with my old girl is
because like Scherazade she had me hooked
on her stories."

The woman was INTERESTING.
She had never been...'honey the dishwasher
isn't working, the big on has a cold, the dog
chewed up your slippers...'