[sphynx]

I hope someone can advise me on my marriage.

I've been married for nearly two years, living with my husband for about three years. Since I met him, he has been violent on occassion. We have one son, two years old, but he is not abusive to him.

In addition, he has been using pornography since I met him. I told him that if he deliberately does it secretly, it is wrong to be dishonest and I feel betrayed. Recently, I found lots of photos of naked women he had downloaded onto his personal computer. At the weekends, instead of going out or enjoying life, he prefers to stay at home and look at porn.

I was very upset about this yesterday and told him I wished that he would suffer in the way I have, from his emotional and physical abuse. In response, he punched me six times in the back and face.

I can leave him, I know that of course! But I am staying for the sake of my son, so that he will have a Dad. And if I try to leave, my husband has threatened to take my son from me. If he returns to his home country of Morocco with my child, it would be a nightmare.

What can I do? I can't take this anymore. Please, if anyone has the kindness to read this email and respond, any advice would be so much appreciated.

[Little]

Take photographs of your bruises where he's hit you, and continue to do so if he beats up on you more before you get out.
Why would you want your child to have a father whose example is that women are weaker and deserve to be beaten mentally and physically? Your son will grow up thinking that your father's behaviour towards you is how a husband should act towards a wife ... he'll grow up misogynistic. He might even grow to resent YOU for not leaving; resent YOU for not being strong enough and grow to hate you.
When you leave him, go straight to the police and file a restraining order and file a claim for sole custody. Give the police the photographs you're about to take. If your husband leaves for Morocco with your son, he will be a kidnapper. It won't make it any easier for you if he does it, but it would be a crime.
Don't let him know you're leaving. Pack up while he's at work, take your son, and then GO.

[kaylar]

Let me disabuse you of a notion...staying with an abusive
husband 'for the children's sake.'

You leave relationships like this For The Children's Sake.

Abusive relationships leave permanent psychological scars
on children. Leave for your sake, but also, to protect
your child from the trauma caused by seeing his mother
brutalised.

If you have time you can read the dozens of studies on
children of abusive fathers...

Get Out Now.

[rcoreyus]

I agree with the other posters. Get out now. Forget the pornography, he HIT you, no excuse absolutely wrong. I don't know what country you are in, in the US I'm sure it is illegal, and if it is reported there is no chance he will get custody of your son.

A man who hits his wife is no fit husband or father. A man who resorts to physical violence in a verbal arguement is a bully. A man who hits someone weaker is a coward.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Yeah, leave him for sure.

It sounds like a nightmare, and it really ISN'T doing your kid any good. I guess if you really wanted to prove it absolutely you could get a spy cam and stick it in the ceiling or something, then you've got something to show his lawyer if he tries to get custody of the kid. But anyway, men rarely get the kids, just don't be taken in by his threats and get the hell out of there.

Maybe you should take his testicles with you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Abusive men have a way of belittleing a woman, taking away her sense of worth, scaring her to death with threats, all in the aim of control and lowering her self esteme so she is stuck and knows no way of moving.

My ex- husband for instance, would say things like:-

" you better truly consider this, no one else would put up with you"...

Have at least 4 trying... now.

I have read a few heartache stories to of woman who's husbands have taken the children to another Country, where they are hard to find, and even the man's family helping them do so. I can imagine that fear.

But understand that he is controlling, abusive, and is putting fear in you.

You seem to have some "guts" as you stand up for your rights, only to then be physically abused.

Try and keep a pretense going where he has no idea of your next move.

Find out where you can go where he can not immediately find you so you are safe.

And, i then would agree with Little, go straight to the Police, and file a restraining order and full custody.

Make it very very clear to the police that you fear for yourself and your child therefore, correspondence pertaining to your whereabouts where mail is concerned must be confidential.

Perhaps, seek a lawyers advice here before you go, so they can guide you with the steps you need to take.

Then take them.

[bubbles]

TAKE PICTURES AND KEEP A DIARY OF EVERY TIME HE HAS DONE THIS TO YOU!
You probably feel guilty for being upset about the porn right? and you probably feel guilty every time you two fight..... its not good for your child or you.... when its right for you then save up.... save save save and then when he does it again LEAVE! Go to your biggest support system... whoever that is, and he needs to get help or you will be gone forever!

[Windsofpassion13]

I was in the same situation

It happened to me while i was pregnant and after. My daughter (almost 2 now) was in the middle of it. He beat me for finding out he was cheating on me, if i talked to my parents or if i left the room without his permission. I finally called the cops every time he did it and he went to jail. When i left him it was the greatest thing i have ever done. My child is growing happy in our new family. I met someone and he has taken care of us ever since. He doesnt call her dad 'dad' anymore. She is 2 and sees who he is. I have full custody with out even saying anything in court. He has every other weekend supervised visitation. GET OUT! It might sound bad but when he does it again call the cops file a report get a EPO on him and keep pushing it. Im in the process of all of that. Its been 1 1/2 ago. Its a long process but he wont hurt you or your child again. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Kaylaface]

Sounds like a pretty bad situation to me. Like what was said before, take pictures, call the police next time it happens and make an official police report. That should stand up in any court room. You child doesn't need to see it, or hear it or whatever. You would be amazed at how easy it would be for the child to blame themselves. Thinking you got hurt, and wouldn't leave just because of him. And you never know, his violent tendencies could shift over to your son, even he hasn't done it at this point.