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Husband is overweight and insecure

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  • Husband is overweight and insecure

    Hey I am desperate for advice so any would be much appreciated..
    So just a quick background info- I have been married only 3 and1/2 months but have been with the same guy for 9 and a half years (i'm 25). I love my husband more than anything but he has been overweight and insecure for the last 6 years of our relationship and i am getting frustrated!! He won't let me see him naked (which I think is completely unhealthy), and anytime I say anything to him about his weight he gets upset and defensive. I study nutrition and dietetics at university and I am only a thin person (I love working out!) so being healthy and looking after yourself is a major part of my life! Both his parents are obese and he said it is their fault that he has such bad habits (this may be true but we have been living together for 4 years- move on!). I never bring anything bad into the house and cook dinner for him most nights and have even started packing lunches for him. But when I'm not around he eats junk and I find packets of food in his car and in his bedside draw (he mostly denies snacking though). Also he drinks a lot of alcohol and this adds to his calorie count majorly. On a positive note he loves to exercise and is fairly good at sports but it isn't frequent or intense enough to balance out his poor diet.

    I have tried everything from being supportive, encouraging exercising and eating healthy together, saying nothing and letting him do it himself (he requested I back off) and tough love. He thinks I am superficial and don't understand how hard it is to change but I think he is too lazy to even try. I feel like i am backed into a corner because I love him so much and we are compatible in every other way, he is thoughtful and loving and I think he is a gorgeous man but i'm 25 and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life having the same fight and not being intimate in the way I want to be with my husband! He says that I don't have sex with him enough, and this is true-- although it is frequent but not probably enough for a 25 year old couple. But how can I be attracted to someone who is so insecure about how he looks and who won't show me his body?? He has become very jealous of other men too, and hates me wearing certain things that show my body but its annoying when you are young and fit and can't wear what you want to.

    Any advice would be great! He won't let me talk to a professional and I can't talk to my friends because they all know my husband well and I don't think thats fair to him or them. Thanks

  • Being overweight will cause insecurity in many western societies. Some minorities don't buy into the train of thought that you must be slender. My experience in Southeast Asia has been that the people over there are more accepting of an obese person, being one myself. His insecurity can be driven by advertizing and it can be driven by your remarks. Have you talked "with" him to find out?

    Are you trying to control his diet? How many calories per pound are you allowing him to consume a day? Is he snacking because he is not getting enough calories? Is he not getting at least a bit of his comfort foods? What works for you sounds like it isn't working for him. Portion control may be better than food type limitations.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • He is the one that is obsessed with being overweight and he's insecurity is what is pushing me away and making me less attracted to him. If he looked after himself and was still a bit overweight I would be so happy! He says he hates how he looks but finds it too hard to change so he gives up after couple of weeks..

      I don't have a regime, I don't believe in diets. I eat everything but in moderation and don't restrict myself. I exercise a lot because I enjoy it and its stress relief so I actually eat a lot but it is mostly healthy, nutritious foods because I want to look after my body. Genetically I am blessed unlike him, but he doesn't have to follow in his parents foot steps. His calorie intake is not crazy big. Most of his calories come from alcohol which I think he uses to make himself feel better. His portion control isn't good as he likes to skip meals (even though I tell him not to). If I ask him to swap a choice to something healthier or cut his portion sizes he often rolls his eyes at me or makes me feel guilty. I feel like it is like any addiction and if he doesn't want to change he won't. I'm not sure what to do


      • Well first of all Jh welcome to WH, it seem you in a pickle dam if you do dam it you don't situation. You seem to be doing most of the work with him getting husband to eat healthy, the ball is in his court now you hammering on him will push him away from you. My only thing I would say is his drinking with his sneaking food will lead to diabetics clog arteries and possible heart attack then death. The other issue him being ashamed of his body. My simple words would be then do something about it all. What I don't understand that your husband doesn't like other men checking you out with the sexy clothes that you wear is he asking you to dress like a nun then. This looks like he trying to control you because other men see you are beautiful. So they may flirt with you maybe your husband self asteam will be better and women will check him out then. But I see it as you are pounding your head into the wall it's like a drug addict they will not quit drugs till they want to quit drugs you can't force them or gulit them into doing it. Your husband is going to want to lose weight and eat healthy and slow down on the drinking till then it's a lost cause. I say good luck as I hope he finally see's his destruction ways will. This will not be good the older he gets his health will suffer big time.
        When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


        • Thanks for your advice Motorguy. I am pretty much at the end of my wits with this. I told him about a month ago that if he doesn't start making an effort then I don't know if I can be in this relationship anymore. I have told him over and over that it isn't looks and it is health (of course anyone would be stoked if your partner had an awesome body, but looks aren't everything to me- if they were i wouldn't have stuck around for the past 9 1/2 years)

          I think he hates other guys looking at me because he is insecure and he is afraid he will loose me, but i'm not that kind of girl and I would never betray someone I love. He has been wanting me to have a baby too, which I don't want right now, and he even admitted (not sure if he was joking) that he wanted me to get pregnant so i wouldn't leave him.

          I hate to make threats of giving up on our relationship (as I honestly would struggle to because I love him so ******** much!) but i have stuck by so long now with him saying he'll make an effort and nothing has happened. sigh... i just really hope he gets his act into gear. I've worked in the hospital system for 5 years and am well aware of the effects of bad diet and lack of physical activity on chronic disease development. At least its nice to hear that people understand my frustration as I am often made out to be the bad guy with the hubby


          • Your welcome Jh I am thinking that you may need to tell your husband if he doesn't get off the stick now, Then you have to leave this relationship.As you can't just watch him kill him self slowly with the over drinking and over eating. I know it's very hard to do but maybe a intervention like they do with a drug addicts. That he go's to a clinic to control his over eating and drinking. You are probably right that he wants you to get pregnant and have a baby.So you won't leave him. He may not be saying it but he's for sure thinking it. You really sound like you love him deeply. But I completely agree you really need to sit him down and have a serous chat with him. That you will not have kids with him till he gets his eating and drinking under control and loses the weight. You do not want to be raising a child by your self because he died of a heart attack or stroke of his bad eating and drinking habits. There is a new Tv show seen on the network TNT the host is of the Rock the former wrestler now actor it's called Walk up Call he got a guy to lose a 100 lbs if he didn't the guy had to quit his job of being a football head coach of a high school team. But his girl friend wouldn't marry him if he didn't lose the weight.But he lost the weight and then he ask her to marry him. I sure hope you can really work this issue out with your husband good luck and god bless you.
            When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


            • Have you considered starting with just getting him to cut down or quit the alcohol? I would assume the alcohol reduces his impulse control (so he can't resist snacking) and his motivation (to stick with anything) and his insecurity.


              • I totally understand your line of thought that thinner is better, healthier, etc. I take care of myself and my man knows I love him more because he takes care of himself. But we were both already conscious and proactive about our bodies when we met, both very sportive. I felt in love with him when he told me he ran a marathon around his house for the sake of it, all alone. That's the kind of men I want by my side.


                You have been with him for 9 years and he has been obese for 6. It's his body, his choices. You've made a poor choice in partner and you're putting pressure on this man to be somebody he isn't. You don't love him as he is. He was already so when you married him.

                Let he be. It's his body, his choice. Instead of changing him, change yourself to accept him the way he is.

                You're making his life an unpleasant experience. You're taking a mothering role when you try to control what he eats. Don't be the controlling mother of your husband.

                If he doesn't want to put in the huge effort necessary to lose weight, it's his decision. We can't decide this stuff for somebody else.
                Last edited by raindancer; 01-12-2015, 10:46 AM. Reason: edit to fix spelling "hole" to "role"


                • Both of you need to change your mindsets. He needs to take responsibility for his weight because, as you have written, family genetics may be a reason but it doesn't stop him from losing weight.

                  You and the rest of society need to stop thinking that fat people are just lazy. Food is an addiction just as tobacco, drugs and alcohol can be. Finding the proper motivation to lose weight is akin to finding the will to quit smoking. But HE needs to find the motivation -- it needs to be for him as much as it is for you. Exercise is good but losing weight is 80% food focused -- exercise can never balance out a horrid diet. Acknowledge that you understand how difficult the process will be and that the goal is health. Your experience, just cutting portions and being moderate, will not work for him. My sister did that to lose 20 pounds -- I wouldn't be able to stick to it for a day. Be encouraging, not demanding.

                  My first suggestion is for both of you to understand the full extent of what he eats. The truth is that he is probably eating (or drinking) 3000+ calories per day. You can use an online calculator to figure out, at his age, height and weight, how many calories it takes to maintain his weight. You will be shocked because his food intake is crazy big. He will be shocked. Most importantly, you will both see how easy it will be to cut stupid calories out of his diet -- sugared soda and other drinks, coffee drinks, etc that will have zero impact on his hunger (in fact sugar creates hunger).

                  Second, he will never stick to an eating plan where he is hungry all of the time. That is one of his great fears -- always being hungry. He eats before coming home to eat out of that fear and what he eats is probably the unhealthiest -- high fat and high carb in combination (think fast food hamburgers, pizza etc). Assuming, like most overweight people, that sugar and carbs are the main culprits, think about a low carb eating plan. It is incredibly easy to follow since you can eat both fat and protein until you are full. Its not only enticing that you can lose weight eating steaks, eggs, bacon and such. Its true if you cut out carbs. I have used the Cruise Control Diet as a guide because it it way less restrictive then Adkins and it acknowledges that some people can't give up certain foods. Do the research and have him read it. The website Authority Nutrition has some great information. He may find, as I did, that information sparks something.

                  If he feels that he can eat a better mix of foods, not be hungry and lose weight, he may find the motivation to stick to it. Once on the diet, you tend to lose the motivation to eat a lot. Eating fat is satiating. Protein is filling. If he will start walking with you and keep moving, he will see real progress. That is the best motivation.

                  Raindancer is right, as usual, by observing that you have switched from wife to mother. You made the choice to be with an overweight man and he fulfills you in many different ways. Work with him. Understand his fear. Be a partner in his weight loss.

                  Best of Luck

                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"



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