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I hate being the second wife and the "not-so" maintained wife

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  • I hate being the second wife and the "not-so" maintained wife

    Hello everyone,

    We have been married for 2 years and lived together for 4 years now. I have to admit that moving in with him started on the wrong foot and I should have maybe claimed my "respect" from that first faux-pas. He asked me to move in with him and when I finally decided to do so, I moved in all by myself. What I mean is I packed my stuff from my apartment (it's ok), I drove to his place with my stuff (4 trips...not ok), but the worst is that I brought everything in alone while he stayed in bed on his computer. As I was moving in I was thinking of moving out, but I still moved in. When I finally decided to ask him about his behavior, his explanation was that he didn't realize I was moving in....(yup!)

    Fast forward.....things kept being odd as I had moved in to someone's that obviously did not put an end to his previous relationship (in my mind). I would constantly find his ex-wife's stuff around. When I would ask him to clean his past, he would simply explain to me that everything is in the past, that he chose me (blah blah blah). I insisted that he got rid of his ex-wife's stuff but he never did. Even though I feel that I should have not done that, but I cleaned everything myself and asked him to respect my feelings and make our home to be ours. I never quite had that peace of mind and that is for 2 reasons I believe. Even though he was the one asking me to quit my job and had a financial engagement towards me that he never honored, I feel that everything is his because he brings the money, he provides. Second, I do not forgive myself for cleaning his past because doing that took away the feeling of "he valued my feelings and gave me my spot". I am constantly asking myself what would happen if I didn't clean it myself....

    And today, I was in the closet and one shelf decided to collapse and the safe box fell open. And what do I see? A wedding ring with a date and a love message with his ex-wife's name. I froze for a second, look if there was more stuff to worry about, then put everything back in the box. I was told that safe box contains only important papers. I'm not a nosy person, therefore I never went in that safe box. But today I realize that I was lied to as there was not one important paper, there were some packages with pills (not sure what pills), some random papers, a gold necklace with a crucifix medal (he told me he is atheist), a gold bracelet, and 2 rings (one being the ex-wife's one)

    I do not know how to bring this subject back again and I am also tired of fighting against the "ghost" of the ex-wife...What to do when I hate being the second wife...

    I had a job with a plan of moving south and eventually be my own boss. I had a debt of 10k, which is what was left to be paid to finally own my car. I was happy, I had the perfect social life (pf course from my point of view), I was dancing and I was travelling once a year to a different country. That is who I was then and today I am jobless, my debt escalated close to 30k, I lost my car, I have no social life, I don't dance and don't travel anywhere and I am not happy. How did I get there? - I met my husband.

    I fell in love with him 5 years ago. Even though somethings didn't seem normal to me, I did what I had to do to be with him. I quit my job based on the agreement we had that he would pay my debt and give me the equivalent of my salary, I moved south with him based on the fact that we will get the residency, I married him because I love him and we had similar views and life plans...and today I am finding myself with none of the above to happen!

    Six months after moving south, I realized I was getting in problem with my credit because he hasn't been able to honor his engagement. But every time I would bring the subject, he would assure me that next month will be different. 4 years later I am still falling for that.... Easy solved you would think: get a job! I have tried but it is illegal for me to work here, as I need to be sponsored by a company to get a work permit and the industry I had my career in is non existent where we are...I have threatened to leave and go back North many times but he would always win that battle as he said he will not go back North for no reason at all, and here I am afraid to lose him and losing everything else....

    I had tried many times and in many ways to have him follow a budget, i have made sacrifices so I could help him honor his engagement and he never did. We are living above our means and made different suggestions on how to save money. When I showed him via an excel sheet that we can save $1500 a month and that money can go into paying my bills and savings, he replied "$500 won't make a difference". I said $500 will make a difference and in this case it is $1500 and he said with authority that he will not make this sacrifice. Yup and Ouch! He just gave me the answer I was afraid of, he will never honor this engagement unless he is a millionaire and it makes no difference in his bank account and way of living! While I have spent all my savings in a very stupid way to help him get the Mercedes he wanted, move in the expensive place he wanted....I will stop there because this is too stupid what I did.

    We're getting married, going to have 2 children, going to visit our respective family in their respective country....everything was so beautiful and well planned. Well we have been trying to have kids and it's not happening. And because of conversations we've had I fear that he can't have kids, which will explain why he never had any, but it is just speculation, I have no proof yet and I haven't been able to convinced him to do a test....I visit my family alone. He suddenly has no life plans. We have nothing in common and sex became bad. Sex changed mainly because of me as he changed his physical look over the year to a bulky physic (which I am not really attracted to) and he doesn't respond well to my requests. My requests to him mean that I don't enjoy sex with him, he is not good....when my requests are simply based on what my body feels like. And even though I know I am wrong to think like this but I can't help it yet, knowing that I might never be pregnant takes away my libido. Because of these 3 reasons, sex is almost disappearing in our relationship.

    I really do hate my current situation but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like which ever way I go, I have to make a huge sacrifice that will still keep me in this unhappy place...

    What I have tried to make us be a happier couple:
    - Suggested therapy (he refuses categorically)
    - Suggested tantric sex sessions, watch sex documentaries (he refuses because he doesn't believe that someone else can teach him how to have better sex)
    - Made budgets for a better financial life (working for me, but not for him nor us as a couple)
    - Made a calendar of "let's do it together" things (pool time, movie date, tennis in the park, etc...) (He doesn't have time because he is always working, or on his phone or at the gym)

    Any advice/help will be appreciated. Thank you.

  • Pack your bags and move back north. Not telling you to divorce him, but tell him that he can't provide the life you want/need, therefore you are getting it yourself. Find a job and start paying off that debt. Remember, if you should divorce him, that debt is half his as well. You have basically become a door mat that lets him get away with everything. He needs a major wake up call. You need to be financially secure. Please don't have any children right now. Your marriage is in a bad place. You really don't want to introduce kids unless you are in a good place in your relationship.
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


    • You know the right solution . . . frankly, the only solution . . . but inertia is keeping you where you are. DreamP is right (as usual). This marriage was a mistake and continuing in the marriage is compounding the mistake. Why are you afraid of losing him? This is a man who, from the start, has not acted honorably. He has not cherished you, has not honored his commitments to you, could not start his life over with you (keeping those momentos of past love), has no regard for your happiness or your life plan. This is not a man worth grieving over.

      Assume for the moment that you will be unhappy emotionally if you divorce your husband and move north. Look at the rest of the situation. You will be able to work in your profession which will give you happiness in one area. You will be able to pay debt and life within your means. You will be able to have a social life. I have no doubt that you will find love again and will do so with a man who respects you (and you have learned much over the last 4 years).

      You are very analytical. Put the pros and cons of your current situation on a piece of paper. You will see, almost immediately, the path you must follow. We will be here to help you through the temporary pain and dislocation.
      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


      • Consider yourself lucky you haven't had kids! It's only you: move away! Divorce and go find work.


        • I am normally for saving marriages... but you are clearly not happy and life has gone downwards for you. A ghost of an ex is not always bad, my husband has a box of keepsakes including things from ex's, he even went through it with me and told me what all of them were, I appreciated him being so honest. One was a little sculpture of his old dog his ex-fiancee made after the dog passed, and it was broken - I snuck back into the box and glued it back together for him, he keeps it on his desk. I didn't want him to erase his past, but he also does an amazing job of letting me know I'm the only one on his mind now.

          Are you still in love and willing to fight for your marriage? I don't know what to suggest if he refuses therapy. Threatening to leave may be the reality check he needs to reconsider it. I don't think he intended to be so controlling, but it sounds like he has really ended up redirecting your life into a bad place. I am very sorry for you and I hope you can find answers. Definitely don't have kids!



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