[TheBlackCat]

No not a green Alien, but one who lives overseas. I moved overseas to said (western) country, from another (western) country, to be with the one i love (my husband).
It has been a roller coaster ride and more. For about 2 years i was unable to have a job or a life, i was a nobody until i finally got my perminent residency. Now i didn't move to this country for immigration purposes, i mean i left my beautiful home country, with beautiful beaches and great culture, to be with my husband who lives in a small hick town (country bumpkin).
He went through a lot financially to support me, and still does. I go to classes and i did hold a job (where he drove me to), and have had jobs in the past which I'm not too proud of, to help support the financial situation we live in.
Now my husband works from home (has his office set up here) and we are always together but never together. I feel alone, isolated and very depressed. I don't have any friends, and my family is distant from me and don't agree with my marriage.

Over the years, the isolation has pretty much broke me down, i wrote an email to my husband expressing how i felt, and confiding in him about my emotional state. I just wanted someone to talk to, he's the only one i can talk to.
Some things were taking out of context, he has distant himself away from me even more, and believes i don't appreciate his hard work because of some of the rants i threw in about our current lifestyle.

One thing he always uses against me, that makes me feel so inferior to him, is that he is the primary provider of the household, and that i have no place in complaining about things. The thing is, i don't have a drivers liscence, though i'm working on taking the test, and there are no job opportunities. I try to play my part in helping, though he uses that against me too (sure it's pathetic, but collecting coupons and selling my stuff on ebay), he thinks that i think highly of my participating with little things in comparison to what he does.

I feel stuck in a little box, i can't go anywhere, i can't do anything, my life is pretty much in his hands......and i feel as if i get blamed for that.
I really feel like a small child, instead of a grown married woman. He has financially supported us, but he uses that against me.
Also when i try to explain why i can't do certain things (such as my phobias) he disregards them and always claims "you're just trying to justify your actions". I don't completely understand that.

He is a well articulate man, with a great vocabulary, i feel lost and be littled at times. Sometimes i just accept things, and take my place of being submissive.

I can't do anything, i can't go anywhere, i don't have anyone.......i have nothing besides him. Is there something i am missing, am i selfish as he claims (well actually i am in a lot of things). I feel so awkward around him.

Is there anyone who could relate, I'm so confused, i'm really just tired of life, i'm emotionally drained as well as having some medical problems right now......so i'm just weak, i just want to give up on life.
Deep inside me i'm hanging around because i wish to get some advice to better myself, and work on my marriage.
So much to share.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

TheBlackCat

Over the years, the isolation has pretty much broke me down, i wrote an email to my husband expressing how i felt, and confiding in him about my emotional state. I just wanted someone to talk to, he's the only one i can talk to.
Some things were taking out of context, he has distant himself away from me even more, and believes i don't appreciate his hard work because of some of the rants i threw in about our current lifestyle.

I can see some simularities in a different context to my previous marriage and if i can say first of, your husband CANNOT be THE ONLY person you speak to. I appreciate where you are makes you isolated but email your family, friends, keep posting here, break free a bit from that cycle.

I say this because this is in my opinion the first part of feeling depressed and also no independence, needy and placing all your faith and trust in one person as that is all you have.

TheBlackCat
One thing he always uses against me, that makes me feel so inferior to him, is that he is the primary provider of the household, and that i have no place in complaining about things. The thing is, i don't have a drivers liscence, though i'm working on taking the test, and there are no job opportunities. I try to play my part in helping, though he uses that against me too (sure it's pathetic, but collecting coupons and selling my stuff on ebay), he thinks that i think highly of my participating with little things in comparison to what he does.

This should never be used against you. Firstly you gave up everything to travel where he wanted to be, you gave up your life. Secondly, your e-bay and coupons should be looked upon as endearing and love for him, not YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH and don't provide, as he chose his profession and your new residence for HIM, you are doing what you can to assist. You are not doing anything wrong here other than doing everything you can, with the means that you can.

TheBlackCat
I feel stuck in a little box, i can't go anywhere, i can't do anything, my life is pretty much in his hands......and i feel as if i get blamed for that.
I really feel like a small child, instead of a grown married woman. He has financially supported us, but he uses that against me.
Also when i try to explain why i can't do certain things (such as my phobias) he disregards them and always claims "you're just trying to justify your actions". I don't completely understand that

How can you be blamed for something that HE created? Of course you feel like a child, he has taken away all of your independence and rolled it all up and shaped it all into what he wants. The business he has chosen is not of the ground, if it was, you wouldn't be cutting out coupons and selling on e-bay! He made the decision, you chose to support your husband and HE should be the grateful one of what you have given up, not the other way round, of what he brings in, which is not sufficient enough for you to not cut out coupons!

He can not even see the realism or maybe he can, that you are almost caged like a bird, at his wim and by putting you down, he controls you, but also it may keep from the truth of what sacrifices you have actually made for him, the control makes you insecure and only see his side, not the reality, look what you gave up FOR HIM!

My ex-husband always put the blame back on me, on everything, he was IN CONTROL, or so he believed, it was always MY FAULT and he paid more than me, but actually i paid more than him, $60k in improvements/holidays, but they were FUN things, he paid the MORTGAGE? $25k? That was one year only... Still to today 9 years later he believes this.

TheBlackCat
He is a well articulate man, with a great vocabulary, i feel lost and be littled at times. Sometimes i just accept things, and take my place of being submissive.

Mine also was extremely intellegent, could talk the pants of to my girlfriends, not sexually just oh, what a great husband, guy, lucky, behind the scenes... Control. I was also lost, definately belittled, but i had friends/family and the more i spoke, the more i saw for myself and the less chance he had of taking me to ruin, destruction in myself, poverty with loss of my business and weight gain through depression, somehow i remained 50/50 in strength. But, i was never SUMBISSIVE, i would ignore just to keep peace but not SUMBISSIVE but i did not live in a little town with no one around, had i? Who knows.

TheBlackCat
I can't do anything, i can't go anywhere, i don't have anyone.......i have nothing besides him. Is there something i am missing, am i selfish as he claims (well actually i am in a lot of things). I feel so awkward around him.

Where there is a WILL there is a WAY. You have email, you have old friends, family and us, time to get back in tune with YOU... At least that's a start. He is all you have THERE and HE made it that way. Yes, you are missing that you need to stand up and tell him that you followed his dreams, tell him, to grow up and that he should be thanking you for what you gave up, not you thanking him for providing minimal at this stage with the hope of the bigger dream. HIS DREAM, or love him or not, you WILL return to your family and then he will have no-one.

How if you read any of that, can YOU BE THE SELFISH ONE? Of course you feel awkward around him, he is making it look like HE is THE... everything and you are nothing and your feelings/fears don't count... Ask yourself truly despite the love, is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Stand tall and up for yourself. I imagine you can't speak to anyone professionally where you are at this stage, so as i said, start with all other avenues and see that you are a strong person, who was she before? You mentioned a job or two that you hated but did, i can probably imagine and maybe that is why your family don't like him much as they can not see why a husband would allow his wife/fiancee/girlfriend work perhaps in a less meaning job if you understand. But, even there, YOU GAVE.........

IT'S time i think to TAKE back a bit, YOU... And take it all from there...

I wrote a Thread on Verbal Abusive and Control, perhaps have a read.

I to believed in marriage and love and kept going but one day, you do see things differently.

CW

[anonymouswhitefemale]

Even if you love this man. he's not making you happy. You sound crushed, and that's no way to live your life. I know it might not feel like he's done enough to provoke it, but you're in a situation where you can't be happy. Pack a bag, get on a bus... Then a plane. Go home to your lovely beaches, friends and family. There'll certainly be someone else who you can try to craft happiness with - this one evidently didn't work out.

Don't punish yourself forever and DON'T BE SUBMISSIVE.

[Little]

Because you said "hick town," I'm gonna guess you mean "the South."
Get out into town and imitate, imitate, imitate. And SMILE. Smile at every lady you pass. Say, "Hi, how're ya doin'?" It's not the same as really asking how they are ... it's prettymuch the same as just saying Hello. Don't expect more than a "Fine, you?" back.
But it will make the other ladies in town like you; it'll make them curious, and it's bound to get you a few friends. Southerners are hard nuts to crack; you can't just walk into their culture. You have to cheat your way in sometimes. Once you make those friends, though, you'll have some sort of support network.
As for your husband, I agree with CW and Anon. It may be the end of the line; taking someone out of their country and sticking them in the middle of a "hick town" reeks of control. Don't let it go on; assert your worth.

[Private.Flangeamin]

Because you said "hick town," I'm gonna guess you mean "the South."
Get out into town and imitate, imitate, imitate. And SMILE. Smile at every lady you pass. Say, "Hi, how're ya doin'?" It's not the same as really asking how they are ... it's prettymuch the same as just saying Hello. Don't expect more than a "Fine, you?" back.
But it will make the other ladies in town like you; it'll make them curious, and it's bound to get you a few friends. Southerners are hard nuts to crack; you can't just walk into their culture. You have to cheat your way in sometimes. Once you make those friends, though, you'll have some sort of support network.
As for your husband, I agree with CW and Anon. It may be the end of the line; taking someone out of their country and sticking them in the middle of a "hick town" reeks of control. Don't let it go on; assert your worth.

IN PRAISE OF MEN FROM SOUTH...

A number of years ago whilst on holiday i met a large group of American men . I was holidaying in UK ...they were Naval men ...anyway i used to go to dances or just ofr a drink with them each night . I found THE MOST POLITE guy just wonderful manners, exceptionally thoughtful and kind was a guy from Kentucky ...i would say guys from there have that little something special ...he would take of his jacket put it round my shoulders if he thought i was cold stand up and sit down when i would , never let me near a bar as he didnt think that was right for a woman and offer to walk me everywhere as he just thought women shouldnt walk around alone . In contrast guys from New york ..good sense of humour and funny but WAY different but pleasure to meet them all . Southern guys are lovely , i think they are very manly and have great manners .... P.F

[rcoreyus]

Do you speak the local language? (I ask since you don’t say which country you left and which you are in). If not, that is of course the first priority.

You are doing the right thing to get a driver’s license. That will give you some mobility.

I have never lived in a foreign country, but I do travel a lot. Foreign places can be … well foreign. Things are done differently, everything seems strange and faintly hostile. For me, I find that the more I get out - just walk through town, go into shops cafes, etc, the more normal things seem.

You need to make friends locally – but I understand how tough that can be. It is hard to find a reason to talk with people. The best I can suggest is to just say a few words to anyone you have a reason to be in contact with – hope they will continue the conversation.

If you are religious, the church can be a great place to talk to people. If not, look for any community activities where you can volunteer. Maybe there is an annual “lets clean up the Lesser-Sheboygen river” group or something. If you have kids, then school activities are a great place to meet people.

[TheBlackCat]

I thank you for all your replies, i firstly wanted to address that i'm appreciative of your ideas and guidance. I'm also happy that i was going the wrong route with trying to find women in the exact same situation to relate to.
I have been trying to make friends, seems like i might attract the wrong type. Though i still search for good hearts.
For now i'll continue being a crazy cat lady, hopefully putting time helping others on here. I read through topics and was relating with everyone in one way or another, it really helped me think certain things through and others have advice have gave me clarity.

who was she before?
That question was very enlighting.

Southerners are hard nuts to crack.
This town is small, conservative, bizarre but there are people who seem sweet. Now if only i could figure out what they are saying. I think i could name one movie,and you might be able to guess where i might be, "Deliverance". lol

Do you speak the local language?
(redneck is a little confusing at times lol, but i can semi-handle it,
my accent for them is a little hard to comprehend because it's Aussie)

I repeatedly read some of the replies, it's so refreshing to just having others "e-listen" if you'd like to say.

[TheBlackCat]

I'm also happy that i figured out that i was going the wrong route with trying to find women in the exact same situation to relate to.

*edit

(about that statement, i was searching forums and forums, days at a time, for other women in the same situation as me, but i'm glad i stopped my search and opened up to other people who could relate to me in one way or another)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well you are allowed to be a crazy cat lady, lol... Which made me think? Do you have a couple of adorable "pests" i mean pets? And if not, can you? They can ease the lonliness, and give you that little bit of attention that we all need, sometimes when feeling alone.

As for being an Aussie, what can i say? No, i can't say it as apart from you and i think one other, and of course me, we're it here i think.....

Look forward to receiving your replies on mine. And posting on others together.

CW

[Little]

Ooh, don't tell the Deliverance joke to a Southerner, or you might never make any friends.
And you've gotta know the difference between people speaking "redneck," "southern," and "hillbilly." Hillbilly's got to be the WORST.
Go to church, sign up for things, don't become the "cat lady" or you may never make good friends ... one of my professors (at my college in the very SMALL-town South) is from Michigan/Mexico and is always complaining about his neighbors who are "good Christians" but talk behind your back like crazy.
You just have to find the ones who are good-hearted, and I promise they will always take care of you; that's one good thing about the South.
How are things with your husband? Has he eased up?