[Ashlee T.]

A few observations and questions.....

-11 year marriage - 3-4 of that were good. The rest of those 7-8 years have been spent dealing with his addiction, recovery, relapse, recovery, lack of interest in you, lack of communication. Don't get me wrong, I know that there have been good times in your marriage (I know it's not possible to list out EVERYTHING here)over the past 7-8 years....but ask yourself how they compare to the bad? How long has it been since you felt loved, appreciated, respected, desired, cherished?

-7 year old daughter - according to the math, this means that things haven't been good in your marriage since before she was born.

-He is your best friend. But you mention that you two don't talk, that he doesn't listen to you. Is that the kind of best friend you deserve or that you want for your daughter someday? Life, marriage is never perfect...there are trials and tribulations...dark times and bright times....but when the dark times overshadow the bright times for years and years, there comes a point where you need to ask yourself if you're doing the right thing.

-Addiction - Everyone focuses on the addict. But what about the way this has affected you? What about the way this has affected and shaped your daughter? This WILL affect her. I grew up with an alcoholic father. He was a wonderful person....sweet hearted, funny....but he was an addict. I was thinking yesterday that almost every guy I have ever dated has turned out to be some type of addict. I didn't know that when I started dating them. Coincidence? Or attracted to the traits of my father?

-Verbalizing desire to sleep with other women - This part is a kicker for me. And quite honestly, it hurt my heart for you when I read it. You've been through h e double l with this guy, you've been loyal, you've raised your child in times when he likely wasn't "present"due to his addiction, you've dealt with lack of affection and lack of sexual intimacy, you've stuck by his side and now he's finally, finally clean.......and what is your payback? "I want to sleep with other women." HE is resentful because he never slept with anyone else?! I'm sorry, but you're dealing with a very, very selfish man who seemingly does not deserve your loyal, sweet heart.

I'm not advocating that you leave him right now. I am advocating that you think about all these things and acknowledge them verbally to yourself and then ask yourself what you truly want for yourself and your daughter.

[Stillness]

I still don't understand the lack of sex, even after the clarifications. It seems like you both have strong sex drives and have been faithful - at least sexually. Why are you going for years without? That's a killer for a marriage. You need to have some kind of erotic intimacy or you just start feeling like glorified roommates.

[Ashlee T.]

Oh, and welcome to WH. We are SO super glad that you're here.

[DreamP346]

Open marriages/relationship can be a wonderful thing and there are many (way more that you image) people in those type of relationships. However, starting an open relationship can also end your current one. The primary reason is that people use the open relationship to fix problems in the current relationship. In your relationship, the lack of communication and the sexlessness are alone huge problems. If you do go into the open relationship routine, I will guarantee you things will go very badly.

You need to fix your current relationship. If both of you want sex, you need to figure out why you aren't having sex with each other. Work on the communication. Don't start talking only when it gets to the critical point like it did with the addiction. Once things are resolved in your current relationship, then you can bring the possibility of opening things up. However, based on what you have said so far, I'm pretty sure your husband isn't really going to want want it any more. Not saying he would say not, just that it won't be such a priority for him.

[amy40]

wondering how you are doing haven?

[Claret]

He turned to the drugs to fill a void in his life. He is now looking to refill that void with something else. He's become very introspective because that is what they want you to do in rehab. They need you to go into your mind to analyse the why and the when of things - he is doing this now. I doubt very much that he is really missing not having had several partners prior to marriage. He's has a void and is looking to fill it. Early on the void was filled with you (a new relationship), then a daughter (a new responsibility) and now. . . what will it take to fill the void?

This might sound trite but does he have any hobbies? Is there something he could do daily to take his mind off his thoughts so much? Has he friends that he is able to be companions with? Is there family near by? What could you do to help fill the void? Can you be varied in your approach to him so that he feels something new and exciting each and every time you make love? Lastly, can you separate making love with just sex - if that is truly what he is wanting?