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Hb is a pout

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  • Hb is a pout

    im just trying to vent.....

    we have been married for 16 years+.... I didn't date him long enough , same disaster that Hillary Duff and many others have chosen , which : so in love at the beginning that I thought it's the perfect one to be married to, then issues starting to emerge and slowly going down hill.....except I'm still staying in this marriage ,simply because I am not independent enough, both my parents passed away within the pass 10 years, one after another, grieving plus having kids took most of my time and attentions, problems were just tucked in one corner then it slowly surface.

    I work part time and earn well of 6 digits income annually, I'm trying to say financially I don't have problem to be on my own, but kids are both only under 13, they are at the critical time of growing up to be in a "complete "family, instead of going to school saying " my parents are getting divorce just like your parents ". Many of their classmates parents are separated....

    i lost interest to have sex with him, first he has PE issue, I felt used for years but just thought I was doing fine until I started to lose interest. telling him to see Dr for viagra etc help didn't work, he felt embarrassed to go. Then he has prostate surgery, making situation worse. Anyhow, im not attracted to him anymore, not because sex is the main problem, there are other daily issues that just adding up.

    i.e: I always thoughtful to have front door unlock few minutes before kids home, outside lights turn on when is dark outside before any of them coming home. This man complaint that he doesn't need any lights on because he has no problem to see as he refused to "remember" to turn light off after coming into house....to me is ouch, that hurts....so I would never do any of those anymore for him...

    i.e: I didn't cook all the foods he bought during his grocery shopping while I was working. He pout that night because of that??? Weird, isn't there's always the rest of the week to eat those foods?

    i.e: I work part time, I cook at least 3-4 days a week during my days off, yet I heard from a friend that said " your hb said you don't cook" ...wow....

    i.e: no birthday presents on my birthdays or any occasions until I told him to, seriously, I have to tell my man to buy me gift while I buy him gifts every year?

    i.e: there's always negative feedback a on many thing I do. I cooked chilli , things he would choose to say would be " the pot will be difficult to wash" , for goodness sake, he is not the only one washing dishes.
    kids come to show him their new art works, he would choose to point out the flaws ,no compliments, they are just kids, of course it hurts....I told them, don't need to show him.

    i.e :we went to play tennis with friends, instead of trying to teach me (beginner ) to play, he asked some other ladies to play with me as he said he cannot play with beginner.....ouch.....I told him after, with his attitudes like this, I'm not going to play anymore.

    i went for counselling, I told my counsellor that when I was pregnant , I didn't pay much attention to problems in the house, she said I should get pregnant again........ I'm too old to have babies.....

    I think i have been almost a perfect wife to this man, I used to have food ready right before he is home, I have all his dentist doctors appointments well planned and booked during his time off, car maintenance dates were well booked, bank accounts all up to date, bills all paid , etc etc, nothing I do would earn me compliments and I used to keep on trying because I didn't know it just building in resentments.....until couple years ago, He said he will change, I know well he can't, he is 15 years older, all his personalities are well set in him, as years gone by, he bounces back to his original self, the negativity....

    im just venting....


  • I'm glad you're here venting. Sometimes it feels GOOD to just type it all out.

    I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. It sounds like you've found yourself in a "loveless" marriage. I'm so sorry about that. You deserve to be loved physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.
    "Be what you're looking for."

    Comment


    • I am curious, Sunny. Your children are under 13 and you have been married for 16 years. That leaves more than 2 years before you were pregnant for your first one. Most people say that the head over heels in love period does not really last too long. So there was a period that you loved him but were not blinded by being in love. Did you not notice that that he was not what you wanted at that time? Did you tell yourself that he would change? I have observed people for decades and one thing I am convinced of is that most men do not change and most of the ones that do, revert back to their old selves in not too long of a time. As macon said in another thread, those that do change " ... have to crater in a major way at least once before they can ..." (https://www.womens-health.com/boards...have-a-problem). You have changed and he has not. Now you two are no longer compatible. What is the path forward?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • vent away sunny!

        Is the counsellor someone you saw recently? That is terrible advice to tell you to have another baby (to save a marriage).

        Sorry you are not appreciated. Sending hugs your way!

        Comment


        • I hope you never went back to that counselor. Have you sought advice from other counseling services that may offer more useful tools for managing this marriage and possibly salvaging the relationship?
          Are you even interested in trying?

          I realize that your purpose here was to vent and not necessarily seeking advice. I'm hoping you are also open to feedback and thoughts from our posters.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by jns View Post
            I am curious, Sunny. Your children are under 13 and you have been married for 16 years. That leaves more than 2 years before you were pregnant for your first one. Most people say that the head over heels in love period does not really last too long. So there was a period that you loved him but were not blinded by being in love. Did you not notice that that he was not what you wanted at that time? Did you tell yourself that he would change? I have observed people for decades and one thing I am convinced of is that most men do not change and most of the ones that do, revert back to their old selves in not too long of a time. As macon said in another thread, those that do change " ... have to crater in a major way at least once before they can ..." (https://www.womens-health.com/boards...have-a-problem). You have changed and he has not. Now you two are no longer compatible. What is the path forward?
            Good q! That was when the sudden death of my mom happened, within the first 2 years of this marriage, time mostly consumed in grieving and trying to get pregnant, miscarriage happened in between too , it just took so much of my energy away. I did notice that we are not compatible but I thought it was just me being over sensitive and really thought people can change.

            i don't know what future have for me. Unless I maybe accidentally run into someone convince me of endless romantic love exist, I guess I'm just staying here till my kids gone to college and guide them not to be like mommy in choosing love ones. My duty will then be accomplished , I can bravely leave this man.

            Thanks guys of giving me feedbacks, I appreciate it.

            i went to a few counsellors, one even said you guys are not compatible, you should leave him....I laughed in my heart....

            Comment


            • What was it that gave you the sense that your were madly in love with him in the first place? You sound as if you've been beaten down a bit and I'm wondering if he is as well? I do know that having several of the most severe stressors in life within a short period of time will put you into a depression that you may not realize is a depression. Perhaps you could see your family physician - there are medications that can help you. Once you have that under control you may be able to look at your situation in a more constructive manner. You may be able to answer your own question - should I stay or should I go? This is what the underlying issue is to me when I read your post.

              Believe it or not, children are very intuitive. They probably recognize some of your issues already. You may need to consider them first, yourself second and your husband thirdly.

              That which we forget may as well never really happened.

              Comment

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