Couldn't believe it

[amy40]

may have mentioned before, husband and I haven't had a date night out in a long, long time

fast forward to other night and there was kids night out at Y, so mentioned we could actually have a date (we'd have 3 1/2 hrs), so husband brings kid to Y and waiting and waiting for him to come home, finally call him

he is at store shopping

[DreamP346]

I can totally see my husband doing this. It is a sign of selfishness.

[jns]

The way you said it, it sound more like it was a hint rather than solid plans. From my observation, guys don't do hints. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It could have been fun.

[amy40]

The way you said it, it sound more like it was a hint rather than solid plans. From my observation, guys don't do hints. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It could have been fun.

he didn't think it was hint (I dont do hints) but also maybe he didn't think we had solidified plans I guess
but when he apologized, he said he had forgot

so my fault for not reminding him?

[jns]

yes, you're right, he pretty much said same thing to me.......we have to s. p. e. l. l. it out exactly, especially since I'm coordinator of all family activities

I think I know what you wanted, you wanted some of the spontaneity that was part of your relationship early on. Unfortunately, as life gets complicated and there are many competing interests on time, spontaneity isn't something that can be counted on.

[DreamP346]

I think I know what you wanted, you wanted some of the spontaneity that was part of your relationship early on. Unfortunately, as life gets complicated and there are many competing interests on time, spontaneity isn't something that can be counted on.

I don't know. For me, in this situation, what would have bothered me the most is that given the availability of the free time that is so rare, the thought of spending it with the spouse wasn't the first thought. Whereas for Amy it was. The first thing that came to mind was going to do something he really wanted for himself. He didn't even tell his wife he was going shopping which I think is basic courtesy. My husband does stuff like that all the time and the issue is that his own person needs/wants are top of mind. He never thinks about other's needs/wants or even basic politeness of saying, "hey, I'm going to the store for a few hours. Do you want anything or do you want to come with me or don't wait for dinner." I know this is a problem in my relationship and I probably shouldn't project on other's, but this is what bothered me when stuff like this happens. It has nothing to do with spontaneity.

[amy40]

I think I know what you wanted, you wanted some of the spontaneity that was part of your relationship early on.

knew our life would change a lot when adding a child and must admit I was pretty spoiled because it was just him and me for a long time

but still would like us to have some time together.....alone

[amy40]

He didn't even tell his wife he was going shopping which I think is basic courtesy.

that actually did surprise me because he usually does tell me when/where he's going

and you are right Dream, that's all I could think about is 3 1/2 hrs to ourselves and I said didn't you remember that whole conversation that we had

[jns]

He didn't even tell his wife he was going shopping which I think is basic courtesy. My husband does stuff like that all the time and the issue is that his own person needs/wants are top of mind. He never thinks about other's needs/wants or even basic politeness of saying, "hey, I'm going to the store for a few hours. Do you want anything or do you want to come with me or don't wait for dinner."

Some people see this as courtesy, others see it as controlling. In my relationship with my wife, it was one of the things we had to work out and negotiate after she got her drivers license and her first car. She felt that my knowing where she was was being controlling. Even though she got lost a number of times and I had to go and rescue her (she cannot read English or maps - her understanding of routes is from memorization and familiar roads and landmarks.) I let her know where I was going most of the time. After a while, she became better at letting me know where she was going. This helped when her friends would call. When she goes with her friends I still don't know what day they will be back, but they will look out for one another.

[DreamP346]

Some people see this as courtesy, others see it as controlling. In my relationship with my wife, it was one of the things we had to work out and negotiate after she got her drivers license and her first car. She felt that my knowing where she was was being controlling. Even though she got lost a number of times and I had to go and rescue her (she cannot read English or maps - her understanding of routes is from memorization and familiar roads and landmarks.) I let her know where I was going most of the time. After a while, she became better at letting me know where she was going. This helped when her friends would call. When she goes with her friends I still don't know what day they will be back, but they will look out for one another.

Do you have kids? Before having kids, we lived a very independent life. I used to tell my husband that he didn't have to tell me where he was going. After having children, that all changed. When one partner takes off, that means they leave the work of childcare to the other. You can't just take off without saying where you are going. It's not a report to keep track, it's about letting your partner know that you will be back in X hours to assistant with the household. Parenting is a 24/7 partnership. Ask any parents that are in a equal relationship will tell you the same.

[martinnathalie9]

Sadly I agree, hints with men just sometimes do not work. We have to be as blunt as possible. I remember the early days with me and hubby James, he was very good with surprises and wooing me off my feet but naturally, as you develop as a couple, that does become less frequent. If I was you, I would not be angry with him but say " you know what, it would have been really nice had you listened to my suggestion and acted on it rather then assuming I would be the force behind every plan, it;s important we work together." Even if you both just sat down and decided on a date night plan together, I am not one for assuming the man should plan and pay for everything.

[amy40]

Sadly I agree, hints with men just sometimes do not work.

thing is, already know "hints" don't work, I don't do hints
we had a whole conversation about how long it's been since going out, and kid night at Y chance for us to do something, said I'd look up movies playing or we could do something else, fully expected him to come back home after dropping kid off at Y

he did apologize and said he forgot.....how he forgot no idea

seems I remind kid and him about a lot of things, or someone will say "remind me"

[atskitty2]

I don't do reminders. Once it's settled and agreed, it's that person's responsibility as much as mine. I won't be used as the reason they don't do their part. "Well you didn't remind me" really irritates the life out of me.
I will confirm, but I don't remind except in the event I know it's been especially hectic and forgetting would be completely understandable. Even then, I'd offer a reschedule or something else, if it's been that crazy.

[amy40]

I don't do reminders. "Well you didn't remind me" really irritates the life out of me..

kitty think it's because I don't have a job outside home now, that keeping social calendar for family, meals, reminders etc is part of my "job"

since I have the time to keep on top of things, so to speak, I try to