[Happy1]

I do fully realize how bad this all looks. He hasnt been with her in six months and this was only one time. I do know that it prob seems like he is lying but he has no reason to, I dont make him do anything, he knows he can tell me the truth and I will deal with it, whether it means being hurt or leaving. I dont want to give up that easy, but at the same time I cant stand the thought of him with her.

[Guest]

You are very right. I do feel very out of control. It will be so hard, we work closely together and I know that when I see him I will cry. As far as the divorce, the husband is the one that wanted to file, I moved out. He said it was too hard to not know what we were doing. So the papers sit with the state until they can be filed (30 days in this state). Actually they have prob gone thru already.


I dont want to do anything dramatic. I dont want to say no divorce and no relationship...I just hate things the way they are. I have no idea who I am. I was in the relationship with my husband since I was 16. I am 24 now and I feel like I never knew me, I was a kid.

That was alot of the problem to start with. I have a new insurance where I work and I dont think that it covers therapy, go figure. I know I need help and need to talk it thru with someone...Its so hard to start to fix things, co-dependency has been a crutch for me. When I hurt I find someone else who does and try to fix them so I dont have to focus on me.(not that I do that on purpose, its just a habit I have noticed).

I think I am so afraid to be alone. I know I am young but I have never dated, wouldnt even know where to start. I am sure this does have some baring on the way I feel about the co-worker. Dont get me wrong, I do love him, but the feeling of desperation I am sure comes from fear.

I am just...out of control...blowing in the wind. I am miserable at home with a kidney stone right now and I am trying to deal with so many things at one time.

yes - but many people find themselves in the middle of this kind of storm. it's overwhelming - but not as overwhelming as it feels.

you're so burried by everything that you're defeating yourself - borrowing trouble - before you even get to the battle. for example:

1. you have to work with this guy & it's going to be hard
yes it will be hard - maybe you'll cry. maybe a lot. but it's doable. if you cool it off - it's doable. if you break it off - it's doable. if he stays with his wife - it's doable. your emotions put you on a roller coaster that doesn't exist.

it'll be hard, but it won't hurt you. keep it in perspective & work through it every day & you'll be fine.

what won't be doable is if you pin yourself on the hope of a relationship with your co-worker as if neither of you were married.

2. you feel like you never knew who you were
yes you did. you feel lost because you went through some significant developmental stages, may have made some bad decisions, and ended up disillusioned with the outcome. it's common for people to feel this way, especially after a marriage goes wrong.

i'm not belittling the problem. you may have true issues to resolve concerning uyour ability to hear your own voice, listen to it, assert your own influence in a relationship. those are also common struggles a lot of people bring to the table.

it doesn't mean that you don't know yourself, though. it's not as bad as you're telling yourself it is.

3. you can't afford therapy
if your insurance doesn't cover it, there are plenty of places who operate using sliding scales. that is, what they charge is calculated according to what your ability to pay is. what might be $100 an hour for someone making 65K a year would cost $15 for someone making a couple hunded a week - just for example.

so look into it - ask around, call around. you might be surprised how accessible therapy is.

4. you are afraid of being alone
maybe, but are you sure? it may just be that you are experiencing the inevitable panic of disolving a marriage. no matter how bad - how much of a relief it can be for some - there still is a panic, even subconsciously, involved. it's still the carpet you've been standing on - whether it's a good carpet or not - and it's being pulled from under you.

often people feel fear - that's normal. but, again, you might be surprised to learn how unafraid of being alone you really are, once the dust settles. after you deal with the emotional stuff with your divorce - or reconciliation - you may be more comfortable than you thought with yourself.

if not, then all the more reason to pursue the counseling.

5. you don't know how to start dating again
cross that bridge when you get to it. you'll know more than you think you know. this is more panic about the carpet.

try to stay positive. catch yourself when you start to snowball downhill. pick it apart & handle each thing individually.

about the co-worker -

what he did is pretty normal too. he's got feelings for you & may very well love you, but he's married - and he probably wants to be with you but doesn't want to hurt her. feels guilty for leaving her & guilty for leaving. it's a mess.

that's why i'm saying you need to ride your own horse & let him ride his - you both have a lot to try to manage without focusing on the other person.

remind yourself - it's doable.

[Happy1]

Wow, you are very thorough. I appreciate everything you have said. Its SO hard right now but I am strong, it is doable. I told him today that I wanted him to not talk to me or her, I just wanted him to figure it all out. In the mean time I will not focus on what he wants or what he is doing, I am going to start going out, having a good time, meeting new people. I refuse to wait, its not right and I shouldn't have done it to start with.

I care about him and it does hurt but I have to do this for me, right?? There really isnt much of an option at this point. If there is anything my marriage and this relationship has taught me its that you can NEVER make people do what you want. I just know that he will go back to her, for HER kids sake(two by two diff men, she has been divorced 2 times already) and be unhappy and want me back. I dont think I could though, its just ashame that he cant see what he could have if he figured it all out, but he hasnt.