[DreamP346]

My husband got laid off again. It's not that he doesn't work hard, it's just bad luck. The problem is that he goes into this depression and self deprecating mode. I'm left trying to be the supportive spouse trying to talk him out of that depression. I already have a high stress job and do a larger portion of the household chores. When he is out of work, he does do more around the house, but I still take on 50% of the workload. Now I'm the primary bread winner too. I just don't have the energy to baby him through this again. I need for him to stop thinking only about himself and be more supportive of my career, stop pitying himself and also step up the household chores. How do I say it without throwing salt on the wound?

[jns]

That I'm not sure about. You probably could be throwing only sugar and he will still thinks it is salt. Maybe you should have him write down his short term and long term goals so he has a blueprint to follow.

[Ashlee T.]

That's a tough situation Dream. I'm sorry you're going through that again. Sometimes, being a little forceful (tough love) can be a good thing. Nurturing his depressive states will only enable him to continue it. I believe if it were me, I would HAVE to say something about it. Maybe something like, "We are in this together. This kind of thing happens to people all over this country every day. We will work through this and be totally fine like we always are. I completely understand feeling downhearted about the situation, I do too, but we have to lace up our boots and keep going. I need you. I need your help. And when you're here, I NEED you to do "xyz"."

[atskitty2]

Is this a layoff, or a sugar coated firing? Does he expect to be called back? Did he get a severance package?

I agree with both jns and BD. This may be the time to point out trends in his life and the benefit of some quality counseling to help stop the recurrent problem.
He needs help. You need help to help him properly. And he needs to understand the impact on you and the kids.
Cycles like this will continue unless he addresses the root cause. Time to make some changes. Maybe this will be a catalyst for the change.

[amy40]

Dream
Sorry, that happened as the situation causes more stress for you.
It is difficult to give any advice as don't know if your husband waits to be called back to work while collecting unemployment or if he's totally out of a job and needs to find a new one.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I agree with tough love. I don't have much advice to offer, but I am sorry your husband has lost his job. I have an idea as to why from reading your post. You'll just have to be honest with him and tell him what you've told us.

[DreamP346]

Job is gone, it's not coming back. He works really hard and it's not like he is sitting around being a bum. But it adds a lot of stress to my life when beyond the daily things I do, I also have to be the supportive spouse building up his declining self esteem. I've suggested he become a stay-at-home parent and help me make more money which would make up for the lost income. But that doesn't sit well with his male ego. Plus he wants to work. I understand how all of this is stressful on him, but everybody, including him, seems to forget how stressful this is on me.

[Ashlee T.]

Well, after all, it's NOT just about him, his feelings, his ego. That's a part of the equation for sure, but not the entirety of it. It's a lot of pressure for you.

[amy40]

I feel for you Dream

he may not like this but if he'll accept any job now, doesn't have to be in his field, that will keep him busy uNeil he finds job in his field

it is a job, however, looking for a job and if immediate goal is to get him employed again, I do not see him helping out even more at home or that will take away from the search for a job, networking, etc

so sorry Dream! this would have to come at worst time with school out, too

[amy40]

Dream
has he applied for any jobs yet?

when a neighbor retired, he had no trouble at all finding a part time job....they are out there
any job (until he finds job in his field) would help his self-esteem, bring in income, decrease tension