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Body image?

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  • Body image?

    Hi all
    im a bloke, so i hope its ok me coming here for some much needed advice from some women who may understand this beyter than i do.
    i have been with my partner for over 12 years and we have had 3 kids together. We are still not yet married but have set a date for 2019 for that.

    our problem is that after 3 kids, her body has obviously changed, as most peoples would after the strain of of bringing kids to birth. She used to be slim, but now struggles to loose weight (she tries very hard though).
    I love her no mater what she looks like. I love every inch of her, every minute of the day. I think she is the most beautiful woman on earth....

    but she doesnt
    she has real issues with her "body image" now. And its taking a toll on our relationship. She gets funny if i touch certain parts of her and it feels like we only have sex now because she knows that i want it occasionally... its become very non-intimate.

    ive tried to talk to her, tell her that i love her body. Ive tried to treat her to weekend aways with just us.

    but im.... well im just a bloke really. And i dont really know how i can get her to know that i love her no mater what.

    like i want her to know that having an issue with something is fine (jeez we all have issues in one way or another), but that there is one person, me, that is totally cool with it. One less person in the world to feel insecure around.

    does that make sense?

    any advice is welcome.
    thanks in advance

  • I just want to add that she is bloody beautiful and a wonderful mum, she just cant see it

    Comment


    • Welcome to whf, I'm so glad you posted here for help.
      I'm short on time now, but I'll comment more later.
      Maybe some others will comment sooner.

      Comment


      • Cheers

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Gstrick View Post
          I just want to add that she is bloody beautiful and a wonderful mum, she just cant see it
          I think many women expect that their lover will grade them with the same harsh criteria that they grade themselves with after looking at fashion models. This is probably especially true if someone ever left them after saying that they weren't physically good enough. A guy who is truly in love will have his criteria change to be more like that of his lover.
          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
          ...
          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Gstrick View Post
            ive tried to talk to her, tell her that i love her body.
            this is hard especially for a women who used to be slim and then gaining weight with each pregnancy and seeing herself lose that "perfect" slim image of herself she once saw in the mirror

            write her a love letter but don't say "I love you no matter what you look like" as that just points out to her that she doesn't look the same

            instead write about all her good qualities as well as the things you notice her do for you and the kids (that are her little extra touches), really think about the qualities that make her special, her inner beauty
            everyone has special qualities but we never hear them enough, or sometimes not enough to actually believe we make a difference to others

            write it on nice paper, too for something she can keep and read again .....good luck

            Comment


            • use details.......it's all about the details
              that you notice the things she says and does out of love for you all

              sometimes it's easier to give love to others and not ourselves
              her body did amazing things by creating these 3 human beings, she should be applauding herself

              tell her why you love her!

              Comment


              • I can relate a bit in some sort > I got more weight than expected after finishing my studies because I was depressed, frustrated... and my sex drive has fell since I didn't saw myself as "sexy" or desirable anymore. I was starting to use clothes to hide my body or just that mood of > any tshirt and jeans is enough. Was not looking in the mirror anymore, not caring anymore. And no matter how many times my partner would say that I was beautiful I would never believe that.

                So, to help her, don't stop ensuring that you love her no matter what but... help her loose weight. Go with her to a gym, encourage her, don't be the kind of partner that shoves fat food and candies to the girls mouth. The worst nightmare for a girl ashamed of her body is to go shopping for clothes thinking they are too fat, ugly, undesirable to fit into some beautiful clothes so... make her face her nightmare, go shopping with her and tell her how the clothes fit and she looks beautiful on them. Make her face her doubts, fears standing always on her side, ensuring and ensuring how beautiful she is but > making her see it.

                Even in sex, let her know how you like this and that about her.

                A girl feeling ashamed of her body will get tired of the partner saying how beautiful she is but like it was recorded and replayed all the time... She will not listen anymore and might even get frustrated on it since it will seem like you have a record prepared to play whenever needed just because... So, for this to work you really need to say what you like, etc be more specific. Girls are complicated xD
                Do like this>
                - stay in mirror with her for her to see it if necessary, say how nice her hair is, how you think the red/blue/whatever shirt fits her so well, that she looks sexy when she stares you like that, etc etc etc

                Sorry for long post

                Comment


                • Great advice from Lithium. It's a vicious thing for us gals. Men usually seem SO confident about their bodies, no matter what their bodies look like. But for many of us ladies there is this insecurity, modesty, discomfort in revealing ourselves to someone else completely. I struggle with a tiny lower abdomen pooch. When I see pics of myself I think "I don't even see it!!!", but when I'm nakey........oh I see it, and I hate it. And I hate it even more when my bf touches it. OFF LIMITS ZONE during snuggle time because I don't want him to feel it when my stomach is all relaxed.

                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • Thanks for all of your comments. Very useful advice.
                    i will reply to each of you later, right now im still at work.

                    but what stikes me most is that i just cant get my head around this body image thing. I just do not care what people think of MY image... you either like it or lump it. But then again, i have a very active job as a plumber so exercise is a non issue for me.

                    i just want her to love herself.

                    ill write a longer post later

                    thanks again

                    Comment


                    • You say that she's trying very hard. How is she trying? What is she doing? How much does she want to lose?

                      Is she an emotional eater? Does she give herself food treats to comfort herself?

                      While I agree with some of what lithium has said, it is important for her, and you, to realize that this is an issue about her and only she can really solve this. Has she had some lab work done to check hormones and thyroid for any physical reason for the weight staying on? Support her and continue to make your love and attraction obvious, and then let her fight this battle. Give her some back up and cut off negative comments about her self, if she says it aloud, but let her find her own answers.

                      I say that cautiously, as I don't want to be misinterpreted. It's important to support and boost your wife, I just also believe that it's very important that these things are done fully for ourselves, and in a way that makes us confident, even if we don't end up reaching our goals.
                      She can learn that, healthy living is most important, not size. She can always eat healthier and exercise more. Make the focus about health, not size.

                      When that happens, when we look at overall health and wellness, weight will come down. And our priority shifts from that ideal size, to how we feel and how we look in that size that may be 1 or 2 more than we hoped, but our minds have adjusted to know that we are healthy, and have more energy. Sizing matters less when we think about health and happiness.

                      With all that said, I do understand that struggle. I gained a lot of weight after a divorce and it took quite awhile to lose, and then other things happened to really help me put weight in perspective. I'm still a size bigger than my personal goal, but I'm a healthy weight, and I love how I look and feel. I've maintained this weight for 3 yrs, because my mentality changed. That's what I think is missing with most people struggling with their weight.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Gstrick View Post
                        i just want her to love herself.
                        did you write her a love letter like I suggested?
                        we went to a couples retreat before becoming parents; writing a love letter to each other was one of the tasks

                        it's very powerful!

                        Comment


                        • gstrick
                          if you think it's too hard to write your wife a love letter

                          then pretend the earth is ending tomorrow and tell her everything you wish you'd told her before it's too late
                          tell her WHY you love her (in a letter she can keep)

                          Comment


                          • Body image is an issue for me, too. I am not a size 6 but I have learnt to accept my flaws. It isn't very likely I'm going to wake up in the morning looking like Beyonce or Julia Roberts. All I can do is make the most of myself. I always have party nails, I pluck my eyebrows, I wear lipstick and love beautiful clothes. I can't be someone else. I think we all need to accept this. No amount of dieting is going to make me taller, is it? I read the fashion magazines, but I am just me. We are all just ourselves. We have to find a way to be proud of what we are without always referring to how we look. That is my philosophy.

                            Comment


                            • Hi dear. It's a stressful time trying to lose all the baby weight for sure! You can def walk/ run after the baby is born! See how you're feeling and that will tell you a lot about how strenuous you can go. Also, it's always best to wait for doctor recommendation but my doctor told me I could get back at it once I felt well enough but just start off slow and short distances. Make sure and breastfeeding baby or pump before a session because you don't want your shirt covered in breast milk or to be uncomfortable. Bring baby with you! It's added weight to push the stroller and it's bonding time. As for cutting calories, if you're breastfeeding then you need to keep up your calorie intake as you would while pregnant. Feed your body and baby with healthy snacks! I found it was much easier to eat healthy when I was breastfeeding because I felt like it was going directly to baby! These are the tips you can follow but always try to get expert advice and I will suggest Lotus Clinic in Ukraine as they are best in these matters.

                              Comment

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