Driving myself insane

[Michelemcdb]

Ok so this is going to be a long-y so apologies in advance.

I've been with my partner for three years, he was my first proper relationship so I fell hard fast and over looked some things which normally would bother me.we
Moved in together straight away and got very serious very fast.

Over the last few months I've started pushing back more and being open about how I feel about things where I usually would have said nothing

We have not been getting on very well and have been arguing a lot more.probable because I'm not willing to be a push over and am voicing my opinion.

I love him and we really are so compatible in ways but he always says things like I can't wait to see what you look like when you get down to your goal weight / when you loose all the weight. He also is very quick to pass remarks on what I wear and it really gets me down.(was wearing a dress one night and he was like that's ridiculous it's nice but when you get to your goal weight)

I have told him all this and he says it's better for him to be honest with me.

So a few weeks ago I was very close to walking out after finding he had googled my girlfriend has gotten fat what should i do..

I was absolutely devastated and cried my eyes out as I have put on a lot of weight and am really not comfortable in myself(not to mention he does not want to anything with me anymore sexually..)

He begged me to stay and said he was googling something else and came across that topic on a forum.

Since then I have been dissecting the whole relationship and being like ********** this i deserve to be loved exactly as I am (despite the fact that yes I want to lose the weight anyway)

I've been really down over the last few months and realise that I have nothing outside of work and the relationship and I guess this is why I always made sure it worked.

So anyway we got into another silly argument and he went to work so I had a look on his laptop and turned into the type of person I hoped I would never be.

He had pictures of women he had down loaded from people's Facebook pages. PG but sexy poses they were downloaded years ago but why does he still have them?

One album was of his friends girlfriend.. and one album was downloaded last year.

I don't know what I'm doing and I'm afraid to throw it all away but I want the fairy tale I want to be wanted as I am and not when I've lost 20lbs..

Sorry this is such a lot.. I have noone to talk to about this so I'm driving myself insane

Any advice would be appreciated.

I know that no relationship is perfect and although I love him I don't know what to think any more.

If he doesn't want me at my worst he doesn't deserve me at my best and all that .. and to add to that he has gained the same amount of weight but I have never been negative to him about this and never would

[atskitty2]

Pls don't apologise for the length of your post More info is better, since we don't know you. The details are sometimes the best information.

The first big indicator of trouble for me was early in your post when you said you ignored some things early in the relationship, that were bothersome to you.
THAT is big. Your good sense was telling you something and you went with the feelings instead of your better judgement.

So, now you're settled into a relationship that is terribly unhealthy and possibly abusive mentally.

You have really 2 healthy options to choose from Hon. One, you can leave him and get yourself some good counseling to help you understand why you tolerated this treatment so long. You need to heal and build self esteem. Get into counseling regardless your choice.

Two, if you want to try to make it work, get the counseling and take him with you. He has to learn, and make some serious changes as well.
My guess is that he won't be willing to put in the work for that.

You have a serious discussion and some difficult decisions to make.

I'd encourage you just to leave. These things typically don't change to a satisfactory level.
Love yourself enough to seek out the best, not settle for a less than loving relationship.

[Ashlee T.]

Hey gal. Yeah, there are some things definitely wrong here. First, while it's fairly typical to ignore red flags early on, it's not wise to sweep them under the rug once you are aware of them.

If my significant other gained a significant amount of weight, I would be concerned about his health both mentally and physically. I would encourage him to do better, encourage him to seek therapy if needed, encourage him to eat healthy and exercise and I would do it all with him. BUT, if he resisted my help and continued to gain I am not sure what I would do. I would then have to make a choice for myself "I love him, but is this what I want?" because with obesity comes health issues, sexual issues, issues with being active in life, etc. NOW, the way he is addressing this with you purely appearance-based is absolutely wrong. He may believe he is encouraging you. He may be saying things to you that he knows would light a fire under his motivation if said to him. If he googled that, he's obviously concerned.....but I'm not convinced he's concerned for the right reasons especially if he too has gained weight.

You should never stay in a relationship because you're worried about being single. It's time to build a life for yourself. As long as you're with someone who is making you feel less than enough, when you already feel that way on your own, you will never get better. Understand that. You either need someone who builds you up, who helps you, who motivates you and loves you for all that you are, or you need to be single. That goes for ALL of us.

[Popcorn&Candy]

He sounds very critical and doesn't seem to want to accept you as you are. I agree with Beautiful Disaster, too: it isn't normal to sweep red flags underneath the carpet. Denying things in your mind won't change the situation. It seems he is mentally abusive. I also agree you shouldn't be "grateful" and that you're not the one at fault. The fact is, a partner should accept you as you are and not try to change you. If someone wants to change you, then they are the wrong person to be with. If he wants some 6 foot blonde with large boobs, he can kiss goodbye to your relationship. You deserve the best in life and must NEVER apologise for who you are. The fact is, you're walking on eggshells and are being controlled. Is this a situation you are willing to put up with? I think you need to build your self esteem and get out while you can.

[Michelemcdb]

Thanks so much for the responses!!

So I am trying to organize counseling for myself but I have already made my decision..

i owe him some money so I’m going to pay that back, then I’m out.

I really do love him and it’s not a fear of being single it’s a fear of losing the good parts of our relationship but it is what it is.

itll be hard as I have no friends and my family live a few hours away but I will discuss with my family and see if it is plausible for me to move back for a few months when I plan my next move.

I guess when when we got together I was so low and so ignored the red flags because I had someone who I loved and who loved me back..

anyway.. thank you!! It’s nice to hear that I’m not just being emotional- which is the usual response when I challenge things

[Texasred]

One more minor point - or maybe not so minor: when someone insults you and says, "I'm just being honest," that's horse manure: boorish, insulting , rude behavior is just that, whether it's "honest" or not.