[Ashlee T.]

Do you lie to your spouse/partner? Big lies or small lies? When confronted, do you lie to them about lying to them?

Lying is something I have such a terrible time dealing with.....and I almost feel abnormal for my sensitivity to it because it seems that it may be some natural part of human nature or something? I can't help but think that because I hear people lie SO often, even about small things that there is no benefit in lying about.

I ask myself sometimes, "Do I do this too?".....and while I know I have lied about little things before in my life, I don't believe it's something I do often as an adult. I can't actually even think of anything that I have lied to my boyfriend about. He's quite a bit younger than me and he lies about things sometimes that there is no sense in lying about....but usually they are tied to his fear of disappointing me in some way despite the fact that I work very hard to embrace him, boost him and let him know that I love him despite imperfections.

So....do you lie to your partner? Why? Let's be HONEST here. :-)

[atskitty2]

Good post

Since I don't have a partner, I will address this in dating scenarios.

I do my best to be truthful in developing relationships, tho' depending on the topic, I'm not completely open and honest. A man I met most recently, I have felt particularly able to be blunt and open with. On our first date, he asked how my food was and I answered in truth and detail, saying, "it's dry and flavorless", rather than saying "it's just ok", as I may have said to someone else.

He responded appreciatively, that he was glad I said that because it looked as I'd described.

We also had occasion that I said no to his suggestion. He again responded that he appreciated that I was comfortable enough to say if something was unfavorable. I found the same in him. That was a nice finding on a first date. There was no putting in some effort to be amenable.
That seems to be continuing in our contact subsequently. It's really nice. There's no offense or hard feelings either way.

And it seems to be the trend in more important topics within our discussions, not just these minor things.

This is off the specific topic, but I also had occasion on my last job to make the case for honesty and truth, and calling a lie a lie.
In a meeting, it was brought up that we aren't lying if we're telling clients what execs tell us to say... I take exception to that.

I said that my own position is that we know this is an untruth. We are passing along inaccurate info to families and it causes us to lose integrity with clients and it diminishes our reputation as a company. If we KNOW something is not going to happen, and we tell someone it will happen, it's a lie. We aren't just green berets carrying out the orders of our superiors...we are professionals with our own character and ability to decide.
I didn't stay long with that company. There was a disconnect in ethics for me.

So, I agree BD, honesty is important in any scenario. I think at times, our delivery of the truth can be softened, but straying too far into a gentle presentation, just turns into BS.

I think when we are comfortable and confident in someone's ability to handle the truth, it gets much easier to speak freely. It's important to me to have that in a partnership.

[Claret]

There are lies of commission and lies of omission. I think sometimes it's what we don't say that may be the problem rather than what we do say.

[Ashlee T.]

Kitty - I agree. An untruth is an untruth. And if we are aware something is untrue and we state it anyway, we are telling lies. I understand that sometimes in the workplace we are put in positions where we don't feel we have a choice. I also agree that there are times where social pressure creates an atmosphere to lie, and often those lies are much less harmful. If you said " my food is good, thank you!" instead of "it's dry and tasteless", you haven't really done any harm to anyone, but it is nice to feel the freedom to be honest.

Claret - I agree. The lies of omission are the ones most misunderstood it seems. I think people just think if they DON'T tell something then they're not lying about it, but the act of hiding it is as bad as lying about it.

I'm personally trying to figure out how to handle both types of lies. When someone I love lies to me whether by commission or omission, I feel so betrayed that I can't get my heart and head past it. It doesn't really matter who it is. Even if it's my own mother, I just don't ever truly get past the lie. I mean, I guess I get past it in the sense that I do not let it negatively affect our relationship (because I know humans err), but it's a weighing factor in everything said to me after that moment. Make sense?

[atskitty2]

Agreed, and my point was more to the idea of no BS, in regards to the more minor things... lol

I think when we are dishonest in the lesser issues, we decrease our sensitivity to the little white lies. That's my take on it in observing myself and others. Most of us understand the difference between lying about how well our dinner was prepared, and more important topics. Some people just don't tho.

[atskitty2]

I'm curious BD, how/why lying is such an issue? You said you're trying to decide how to handle both types of lies. I am wondering who is lying that much to you, or that frequently? And how you're finding out?

[Ashlee T.]

The boyfriend lied over a food and money issue most recently. I know why he lied...or at least why he thought he lied. He made some stupid decisions and got himself into a bind financially...and didn't want to admit it to me. Of course, that's no good excuse. I'm not mean. He and I don't fight. But I think the lying was more about him than it was about me. HE didn't want to admit he had made some dumb decisions and disappoint me. But I notice small lies from people I'm around almost on a daily basis and it always gets me thinking.

An example today at work...an employee needed help with something. Though she will rarely ever admit NEEDING help, she did need it and I helped her. I answered a question she needed to know. Then later, when the other boss (my boss) was present, she mentioned (right in front of me) that SHE had said it. What I would've said in her shoes was "So and so helped me with this earlier and now I know that this is how it should be handled", but she said it matter of factly as if she knew it all along. Hard to explain precisely, but the point is, she knew that was information she didn't know...she knew she had to ask me for that information, but she pretended otherwise right in front of me. It didn't bother me....but I noticed it and I consider that dishonesty. Like, why say ANYTHING and lie when you don't have to?

People just lie a lot. Lol. I think that's why anonymous forums are such great ways to communicate. Even though some people still lie...most of us are just open and purely honest. It's refreshing.

[atskitty2]

I think some lying, probably a good deal of it, happens due to emotions that we don't know how to manage. And anxiety that's unrecognized and poorly managed.

Wish I had more time to elaborate. I'm learning that many people are dominated by their feelings and can't seem to separate thoughts and logic from feelings. I think the lies flow to hide this inability to think rationally or express themselves unemotionally.
Does that make any sense?

[Popcorn&Candy]

Forgetting about the partner, I have told white lies: like if someone asks how I am, I'll say I'm good. Or if someone asks me if I enjoyed the meal, I'll say I did. I lie to save people's feelings because honesty is not always the best policy. HOWEVER, I do not tell massive porkies. If something is a serious issue and needs to be dealt with, I will tell the whole truth. But if I'm told not to tell someone something, I won't tell that person. I don't likie lying, but sometimes it's necessary. And, also, I will not mention something rather than deny it, if you see what I mean. You can't lie if you haven't said something. That seems devious, but if something is life and death, I think I'd have no choice but to keep quiet.

[Texasred]

...We aren't just green berets carrying out the orders of our superiors...we are professionals with our own character and ability to decide...

Kitty, I've got to take exeption to your gratuitous slur on Green Berets who, like all of our elite military units are the **most** honorable folks you are ever going to run across.
If you want to quote those who claimed "we were just following orders," please quote the Germans who used this excuse at the Nuremberg trials, but do not impugn the integrity of Army Rangers just to make whatever poorly-considered point you had in mind.