[Winged_Muse]

We were so young when we got together. I was only 16 and he was just turning 18 basically. We were babies back then, now 28 and 30. There is no way we could go back to what we had at that time, we knew nothing about ourselves or what we wanted at that time. I just feel like we did things very, strange at the start and while yes we were both happy, it was because things were new and we were young and stupid as I basically call it!

I just had to basically pull teeth to get him to go where my parent's were camping this past Saturday. I needed to get out of the city and into the mountains, to be away from the familiarity of home but we at least went. I know Friday morning my aunt and my parents were a bit worried about me and my aunt told me she was super close to coming back to town that evening to come get me. He would have flipped out I know that as he believes things are working themselves out but I know deep down, things are not moving forward positively as we've discussed. He's pushed me away, my heart mind and soul have separated already from him. I know I'm not happy. I know I'm in a heavy state of depression now too. The simplest things I used to love to do I no longer do. I can't even take a bath without him bugging me about something. He knows I need me time and he knows I need to be supported and motivated and agrees I need it but I have yet to see anything change with that. At this point I feel I would be happier alone than with him. I'm to the point where I just want to move home.

I don't know that he exactly trusts me either like he says he does. I can't even talk to my family without him wondering who I'm talking to or what we are talking about. He is very selfish, very insecure and while it's always been there, the older we've gotten it's just become worse. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want things to end badly but I'm to the point that I just sit in my car in the parking lot of my work actually I get off because I don't want to go home and deal with things.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I second Beautiful Disaster's post. Everybody does have their best foot forward at the start of a relationship. I don't think there is any point or gain to be made by living in misery for the promise of "what if". He is as he is and will never change. Nothing you say or do will change him. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you're feeling: not just about the relationship, but about yourself, too. You deserve the best in life. Believe it.

[Winged_Muse]

So a bit of an update. Things really aren't improving. He knows something isn't right. I almost walked out last Monday after a few comments he had made. I can't even visit my mom without him bugging me. Before I left my mom's last Monday after trying to get his resume printed for him he says, "I love how you use printing my resume as a cover." I replied saying I was not covering for anything but he never specified what he meant by it. I think he knows it's ending. That day also he tried to grab my phone out of my pocket and I pushed it back down and told him it was fine where it was and his comment was, "Geez get all defensive." And I basically let him have it after, telling him he needs to quit and back off me a little bit. I talk to my family and my very few friends I still have and that's it. Then his remark was, "well maybe we should just quit as there aren't any changes being made." I almost just dropped everything I was doing with our dinner that night and left and went back to my moms. Now he's constantly clingy and smothering. He keeps asking me if I'm happy or if I'm still into him. I'm at my breaking point..

[Popcorn&Candy]

I feel bad for you, Winged_Muse: you're living in misery and are constantly stressed out due to his behaviour. Again, I would not stay in such a relationship myself. I think you've got to ask yourself if the relationship is worth all the hassle and stress. To me, it wouldn't be. He will NEVER change. I think you deserve better. I know this is easy for me to say, but ending things would be kinder to both of you. If you're constantly in the wrong, then he must be stressed out himself. You can't be someone you're not. If he can't accept you as you are, then you are both living in misery. Ask yourself: why are you staying in the relationship? Is the hope eroded? Be brutally honest with yourself.

[atskitty2]

What do you say when he asks if you're happy and still into him? Do you tell him the truth?

[Winged_Muse]

I am living in misery. Granted, I do love him but I'm not happy. I need to start focusing on myself, my future, my needs and my life away from him. He's all I've known for 12 years and I need to start taking control of myself. It's not worth the hassle and stress I deal with. My mom and my aunt aren't happy and they hate to see me unhappy because of his b.s. My mom keeps telling me to talk to him but that's the thing, I can't. I've never been able to. He keeps trying to tell me I can but I know deep down I can't. I've never been able to open up with him and I don't know why. I don't think he's 100% happy. When he asks if I'm into him and still happy, I tell him yes I am. I'm just lying to him and I'm lying to myself. My friends are worried about me and constantly ask if I'm okay and I'm not.

[atskitty2]

I am living in misery. Granted, I do love him but I'm not happy. I need to start focusing on myself, my future, my needs and my life away from him. He's all I've known for 12 years and I need to start taking control of myself. It's not worth the hassle and stress I deal with. My mom and my aunt aren't happy and they hate to see me unhappy because of his b.s. My mom keeps telling me to talk to him but that's the thing, I can't. I've never been able to. He keeps trying to tell me I can but I know deep down I can't. I've never been able to open up with him and I don't know why. I don't think he's 100% happy. When he asks if I'm into him and still happy, I tell him yes I am. I'm just lying to him and I'm lying to myself. My friends are worried about me and constantly ask if I'm okay and I'm not.

2 things here that I want to bring up:
1. You need to figure out why you can't open up to him. Is that reason a problem that YOU have? or is it something that HE does that causes you to sort of close off? This is important, because if this is your issue, then you're going to have this issue in any relationship and potentially wind up unhappy, time after time, with no ability to express yourself and work through the issues you have with a partner. If he's genuinely asking you to open up, and you can't/won't...you need to figure out why. If you simply don't want to, because you're done here, then that's another thing. If you're just done, you need to move on. It isn't fair to either of you to stay and prolong the inevitable. But if he's genuinely asking you to talk-to share what's going on-it seems to me he's interested in hearing and possibly working through this with you.
If you leave someone without putting 100% into working through the issues, you're ripe for regrets down the road.

2. It takes more than love to be happy. If you're feeling it's time to spread your wings and find your independence, find your place in the world, there's nothing wrong with that. That's what you need to do. Also, be aware that finding that on your own may bring regrets later, for what you left behind. I went through something like this in my 20's. But you have to do what life is asking of you. I just caution you to be very aware of yourself, and what you're really seeking. Get some sessions with a good counselor to help you sort yourself out a little further, to understand what you want and need for yourself.

You're a bright girl and you're strong. You are trying to do the right thing here, and you will. It's just really difficult and you have some hard days ahead of you. Just remember that you really have only yourself to answer to, and to make happy in life. Not family, not him, not society. Just you Dear. Everything will be ok.

[Winged_Muse]

winged muse

see that you posted back in 2011 on below thread, that you both were as still in love as when you first got together
so what happened in the last 7 yrs to change that?

https://www.womens-health.com/boards...to-get-engaged

are you depressed?
cause if you are depressed that colors everything in your life, even your relationship

What changed that? The fact that I grew up, I realized things more and realized how wrongly I've been treated since day 1. It was even at day 1 that he would constantly bug me about who I'm with, where I'm going, who I'm talking to, etc.

[jns]

What changed that? The fact that I grew up, I realized things more and realized how wrongly I've been treated since day 1. It was even at day 1 that he would constantly bug me about who I'm with, where I'm going, who I'm talking to, etc.

It sometimes takes a different perspective to see things as they really are. Did your friends and family warn you about his controlling behavior when you first started going together? I would think that they did even if you ignored the advice. You may have seen such behavior as concern for you.

[Winged_Muse]

I can't open up to him because he constantly criticizes me over every little thing. He doesn't listen. I'm guilt tripped constantly all the time. He judges me. He even was talking crap about me to his mom not to long ago regarding my hair color. I'm a natural blonde and as of recently my hair colors have ranged from black and red, black and purple, black and blue, etc. His mom asked him what he thought of my hair and all he said was, "it's okay, it's just a phase. She doesn't listen to me anyway." And his mom basically said the dark hair color does nothing for me. After I confronted him about it he said that he's liked all the colors I've done but just thinks the blonde looks best on me. His brother got on him one day about it being a good thing he sets ground rules for me and keeps an eye on me. I confronted him about it also and he said that "Yes, what he said wasn't right." He doesn't stand up for me at all, he doesn't push or motivate me. He doesn't even motivate himself even though I tell him to try new things or go do this or that. He claims he's trying to work on things but I haven't seen any difference. I've been trying to make things work and while things change maybe for about a week after we talk about things, it goes back to how it was. My mom saw my friends get pushed away after I got with him but she didn't say anything. My aunt told me had she known he was like this and how controlling he is, she would've suggested we not get married. He tells me to open up to him but I can't. Some things we just can't talk about, never have. The times I do open up to him it's usually through text and then he criticizes me for talking about things that way instead of face to face but at least I'm still talking but no, again it's not face to face. It's a never ending back and forth thing with him. His brother was even this way to his now ex GF and she understands my perspective and where I'm coming from. I can't even go hang out with my mom without him wondering what's going on. I have no chance to relax by myself just for a few minutes without him constantly there.