[jns]

You are 58, she is 46 and you and her got together when she was 34 and you were 46.

My metabolism seemed to change about when I was 40. Before it was much easier to keep weight off. Afterwards, not so easy. I ended up gaining a lot of weight and was later diagnosed with diabetes. Of course breaking my leg and having it heal not correctly making snow skiing difficult wiped out a winter sport that kept me a bit more active was also a part of it. It gets discouraging when you restrict your diet to lose weight and gain weight instead. Maybe something like that has happened.

Another thing to consider is menopause and the hormonal changes that it caused.

Have you considered technical writing or ghost writing for technical topics? It may not be something that excites you but it may put your writing skills to work for reasonable pay. I am an engineer by both training and career. Writing was always one of those things I dreaded even though I don't really have a problem putting words on paper or in a computer. At times I sound like Yoda and can reread things many times and not see the flaws in the writing even though the technical logic is correct. There are others who could benefit from your skills and would pay for them.

Smart phones are the opiates of the masses of today. In some ways it makes me wish for the old days when friends were just addicted to street drugs.

[macon]

I wonder about menopause, jns, but she had lost interest in sex by the time she was forty. I don' t know what's going on and she won't tell me.

I decided I didn't feel like being kicked out of my own house. So rather than accept her idea that the relationship is over, I told her we were going to do things different and laid out some ground rules. This perked her up a bit.

My part of the new world order is to clean whatever I want to. She had so taken over the house with her rules about what her children were supposed to do (and almost never did) that I'd quit cleaning. She did everything. Over time she cast me as an inept slouch. No more. It's my house; I'll do what I want. Her part is to quit hiding her feelings and tell me what she wants. No more guessing.

Forcefulness on my part can rebuild her respect, she tells me, but it won't revive her affection. I told her I need to know soon what Will revive it because I'm 58 and I don't have time to wait around. Either I can do something and I stay, or I can't and one of us leaves.

Smartphones are evil. I would gladly go back to maps, house phones, and calendars. No innovation since the Pill has improved our lives more than it's damaged them.

[Popcorn&Candy]

At least you found a fairly reasonable solution. It isn't perfect, but now you're both being honest with each other. From what I can gather things are dying a slow death. Whether this is good or bad I don't know.

I hope everything pans out right.

[Nancy Carbone]

Sometimes one partner requires more love and affection then the other, this may be for various reasons. If we feel good about ourselves and have secure attachment then we are okay without getting a lot back from our partner. Whereas if we feel dissatisfied about ourselves or insecure in relationships then we may feel dissatisfied with a lack of intimacy. Sometimes how we feel about our partner can reflect how we feel deep inside. Wanting an affair can distract us from our feelings, so we can attempt to feel better about ourselves by seeking gratification elsewhere, it is not a solution but a way to escape from how we feel about ourselves deep down.
I have written these

[Texasred]

And yet another troll is heard from...

[Texasred]

My recommendation is to move on now; 58 isn't the end of the line. I would have moved on at 58 but I had an 8-year-old son to raise. Maybe should have anyway.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I agree, Texasred.

[macon]

Will this never end?

I was hidden on tinder feeling sorry for mysel and wondering what it might be like to go live and start conversations. She discovers by honest mistake the tinder app on my phone and does not open or tell me till later. Not surprised or hurt. So I decided to go ahead and look for hookups. Didn’t want a relationship because I was in one however tenuous. The rest writes itself.

I start talking with a woman in whose profile I see zero relationship potential. I am wrong.

I have very specific criteria for long term relationship potential. This woman checked out more completely than my partner ever did. I tell my partner it’s over and she more or less shrugs.

I dive. This woman dives with me. I feel this might work. Days later my (ex) partner changes her mind and pours on the love. I never ever wanted or meant to be between two women.

When partner learns it’s not so simple she freaks. I have 24 hours to decide. I don’t know the other woman well enough and choose to return to my life which includes my partner about whom I now have conflicted feelings.

That was over a week ago. Partner is clearly feeling it. I am trying hard but faking it. No contact with the other woman but she’s always on my mind and my feelings remain constant.

Had partner responded any time in the last several years, more recently when I was begging, or very recently in counseling this never would have happened. But it did. And now I’m here.

I feel I should ask this woman to risk a conversation—not a relationship. We learn about each other. See whether a significant possibility exists between us. If it does I move out. I feel that without this conversation the nasty thing will always be between partner and me and my feelings for her may not return anyway.

I welcome any ideas whatsoever.

[macon]

PS
people have suggested new/better sex is the driver. Not so. Partner better in this regard. New love? Sure I guess. Is that bad? Am I wrong to want some excitement after hard years and instead of pleasing my partner before myself?

[macon]

Thank you for responding Amy. This is my wife though the marriage was solely for health insurance. No divorce begun bc of that. The relationship had become platonic and she picked at me a lot, a strong sign feelings are gone. Meeting someone with whom I could want a relationship was entirely accidental though I see now very predictable. Had my wife offered before even a fraction of what she offers now this conflict never would have happened. Now that it has happened though my feelings for this woman block me from fully recommitting with my wife. Im doing my best with all the intimacy building behaviors toward my wife but I feel hollow. I want to want her but I just don’t. I’m effectively lying and I think she’s starting see through me. I’m so mad. We both did and are doing the best we can but the damage is done. Now I need to decide what to do about it.