[Wednesday L.F.]

I’m not a huge pornography fan, but was checking out some G on G stuff and my husband totally became aware of it. No snooping, but I was surprised at how not cool he was with it. He’s a pretty traditional guy, but not homophobic. I’m not sure exactly what’s happening as he doesn’t want to discuss it. Not really sure how to proceed.

[jns]

I think some men look at lesbian porn as an assault on their masculinity (no men needed) and/or a potential loss of the tightness of their marriage. The insecurity presented by such a situation is sometimes met by being controlling. On the other hand, some men are confident in their relationship and will not become insecure when discussing such relationships (of which physical acts are depicted in lesbian porn). Another group of men may have been taught that such relationships are morally forbidden and may not have good arguments as to why they are wrong, but will still feel that way. Maybe an approach is to find out where the feelings come from before digging deeper. Remember, though, men are often taught from early childhood to control their emotions and if an emotional response is created, you may get variety of responses that could be emotional or not. Sometimes the responses are deflecting.

[atskitty2]

Is he ok with guy/girl porn? Is it a matter of him being unhappy about the porn in general, or that it was lesbian porn?

I'd give him some time to process it all, and bring it up at a later date.

[Alison H.]

That’s what I was wondering too; is it more about the idea that you were watching porn (of any kind) alone or was it just because it was lesbian porn.

Because honestly (and I might be outside of the norm here), lesbian porn is hotter than guy/girl porn. I’m not sure how many women feel that way generally, but if given the choice, I’d always go with the former.

It’s an issue where he feels like you’re not being satisfied by him in some way, though, or thinks that what you were watching is what you “secretly” prefer in real life, he might have felt threatened by it or just worried over it in general.

Do you guys ever watch porn together? Does he watch it on his own? (This could be a double standard, though, if he does – okay for him, but not for you because “women shouldn’t do that sort of thing” or something.)

I’d try to talk to him about it if he’s open to it – or at least let him know that what you were watching has no impact on your real relationship (even if it was partly fantasy for you, that’s what fantasies are for – they’re harmless and usually have no bearing on how we actually feel about our partners).

[JonnyR]

Wednesday L.F. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, as jns says, when a man feels threatened, emasculated, or not needed in that way, it can be a huge ego blow...

When I was younger, I didn't even want my partners to masturbate -- whether with me or alone -- because of the insecurity that I felt about it! Over time, that has changed to become a turn-on and erotic, as a bunch of other stuff has too, but that has come with maturity, introspection, confidence and understanding how vulnerable I get in a relationship.

I agree that the "real" reason is probably like the 20th reason or excuse he's going to give you as to why he's upset...but if you're patient, kind, and understanding, and he's honest and vulnerable and comes from his heart, he will be honest and you guys can talk about it in a heartfelt manner that will actually help bring you closer together.

There are some fantasies and thoughts that excite certain guys in certain ways, and others that turn them off or scare them completely...the difficult part is that most men don't even KNOW which triggers are which to even tell you "hey, please don't talk to me about X, or do Y in front of me because it really makes me feel insecure..."

So, it could be that you stumbled upon something ripe for self-discovery and growth.

[atskitty2]

Wednesday L.F. any updates?

[Emily D.]

Wednesday L.F. I'd be curious to know, too, if he has a problem with porn in general or specifically lesbian porn. In my experience, even progressive men can sometimes feel "threatened" or emasculated if they think their significant other is sexually attracted to another woman. I think it takes conscious effort to change this thinking, especially if you grew up in a more conservative/"traditional" environment.

As a whole, I definitely agree with Alison H. and would recommend talking to him about the situation. Maybe he was just caught off-guard or surprised and has less of an issue with it than you initially thought. Either way, talking about it could be a good thing for you both!

[Wednesday L.F.]

Hey folks. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. We did end up talking about it. He's not sure why it bothered him exactly, but it seems to have been a temporary issue. I suspect it's related to his hyper-Christian upbringing even though he says he's "over it."

I don't know that any of us fully get over the nonsense we learned in childhood. That's why they call them "formative years" I guess.

[atskitty2]

That could very well be it. I was brought up in a strict religious environment also, and I still find it's influence creeping in at times, even tho' I left that all behind many years ago.

[Emily D.]

Wednesday L.F. that's good that you were able to talk to him and that he was willing to talk, too! And I totally agree, what happens as we grow up affects us throughout our lives, even if our views mature and change.