[Wifey6900]

Hi I need some advice. My husband go through this a couple times during the week. He is so tired and exhausted from work and expects me to kiss on him touch him suck on him and then have sex with him all the while he just lays there barely moving with his eyes closed. It’s just so hard for me to do this. I don’t feel desired and I don’t feel horny because there’s no foreplay. And he gets upset at me when I dont even try to touch him and have sex. I’m feeling depressed

[Wednesday L.F.]

Oh man, I'm sorry. That sounds awful. My first thought is that some sex toys might take the workload off of you while still giving him the release he's looking for.

The larger issue though, seems to be that you don't feel desirable. That's far more concerning than who is doing what to whom. If you've tried to talk with him about this (outside the bedroom can be best for this in my experience) without success, there might be more going on than just tiredness. Is this a new problem? Did it occur with a new job, new responsibilities, etc?

All that said, whether he cooperates or not, you might find it helpful to talk this through with a family therapist. Those can happen via Zoom now and it might help you get your feelings and thoughts in order so you can better determine what you want to do next.

[atskitty2]

Welcome Wifey6900 ! So glad you've joined us!
I agree with what Wednesday L.F. said above. And I'll add a question: Is this the only type of sexual intimacy you two are having? Are there times when he's not exhausted and you are having sexual experiences that involve you both fully participating? If not, I understand how you're left feeling depressed and undesirable.

I would have a sit down chat with him and express your feelings and thoughts on this. As suggested above, set aside some time for this discussion and maybe let him know ahead of time that it's about your sexual relationship. This way he's not blindsided by the topic. My guy always appreciates that, and it leads to more productive, less confrontational exchanges.

[Kayla Lords]

I absolutely second the notion of talking to your husband and letting him know how you feel. And definitely don't try to have the conversation right after sex while your feelings are big ones -- you may not be able to make yourself understood and he might not be able/willing to focus on what you're trying to tell him.

[Rayn]

Hello Wifey6900! Sorry to hear you're experiencing such a lack of sexual satisfaction. Here's some of my thought from a male perspective.

First, there's unique differences between sex and romance. Okay so the sex is less than optimal. But is the romance strong in other aspects of your relationship? Are you still happy and fulfilled enough to stay in the relationship?

Second, and others have already alluded to this, but communicate YOUR desires. And it or they don't even have to be sexual in nature. It can be something as simple as wanting to go out to a nice dinner, see a movie, or hang out with friends, family, or other couples. Just have fun and rekindle the things that nurtured your relationship to marriage in the first place. That's not to say you should shy away from the sexual things either. Tell him what you want, where, why, when, and how you want it. He needs to know that you're partners. If he has expectations for you to please him sexually, then it's only fair for you to have the same and he should oblige.

Third, try changing things up. If he's as tired and exhausted after work as you say, then perhaps that's not the best time. Try switching to the morning or a time before he goes to work. He can't possibly be working all day everyday. As an alternative if after work is the only viable option, use it to your advantage to spice things up. Sexting has become quite popular. Share some sexy messages back and forth about what you want to do to each other when he does come home. I know when i get a sexy note from my wife, i can't get home fast enough. Perhaps he could even occasionally sneak away for an afternoon romp during lunch and eat more than just a ham sandwich ;-).

These are just some of my initial thoughts from a male perspective. I truly hope it helps and things improve between you and your husband.

Take care and happy new year!

[Gena G.]

I definitely agree with everyone saying it would be helpful to sit down with your husband and let him know how you're feeling. I've gone through something similar when my partner got a new job and was working way more than before. He didn't make me do all the work but I just felt like the sex we had was rushed or non existent because we were tired or busy. I wasn't feeling as fulfilled as I had prior to that. If your husband is tired after work then make time for yourselves to have sex when he isn't so exhausted. We don't have to just squeeze sex in wherever we can. It can be helpful to make specific time to be together. Maybe on the weekend when he isn't so beat and can give you the attention you deserve.