[JoeSmooth]

Hi all new on hear.

So I’m 43, been married around 19 years, my wife is also 43.

A few years after marriage I confessed to my wife that I had a pantyhose fetish and it was brilliant, she indulged it, she dressed up and we had hose sex quite frequently.

I also wore secretly from time to time.

Anyhow around 10 years ago I had to confess to her that I had been struggling with porn which really rocked our marriage but we got through it. I got help and have been good for some years now.

The downside is that everything has been very vanilla since, she won’t dress up at all in the bedroom, she won’t let me go near her feet and if I suggest spicing things up a bit it’s totally off limits. In fact any discussion around sex is near on impossible.

I love her dearly but my fetish hasn’t gone away, I don’t want to cheat on her or be unfaithful and would love for stuff to get back to how it was.

It gets me down as I feel like I’m having to repress my sexuality, kinks and desires, but having said that I don’t want my sex life to be like this forever.

[Wednesday L.F.]

Wow. That sounds frustrating and difficult. I've also had the same partner for a very long time (since 1999). We've definitely had to work on certain incompatibilities. With patience, mutual respect, and compromise--we've managed to keep things fresh and fun for both of us without crossing each other's boundaries.

I have found that conversations about sexual specifics are best kept outside the bedroom. After dinner is an ideal time for us, starting with a simple, "I want to discuss X, is that okay?" Finding a good time for both of us is more productive than one person demanding that a thing be discussed on their schedule.

I also find that asking questions and waiting for answers (my hubs likes to think before he speaks, which I find maddening during a disagreement because I am impatient as hell). Finding out exactly what's causing your wife's reticence is important if you want to address it effectively.
Is there a lack of trust because she disagreed with your past porn intake? Does she simply not enjoy the stocking thing? Is she upset about something else in the relationship and just not feeling it? Is menopause or another health issue impacting how sexy she feels? All good things to ask, and any one of them might help you two figure this out.

Best of luck in this!

[jns]

Hi all new on hear.

So I’m 43, been married around 19 years, my wife is also 43.

A few years after marriage I confessed to my wife that I had a pantyhose fetish and it was brilliant, she indulged it, she dressed up and we had hose sex quite frequently.

I also wore secretly from time to time.

Anyhow around 10 years ago I had to confess to her that I had been struggling with porn which really rocked our marriage but we got through it. I got help and have been good for some years now.

The downside is that everything has been very vanilla since, she won’t dress up at all in the bedroom, she won’t let me go near her feet and if I suggest spicing things up a bit it’s totally off limits. In fact any discussion around sex is near on impossible.

I love her dearly but my fetish hasn’t gone away, I don’t want to cheat on her or be unfaithful and would love for stuff to get back to how it was.

It gets me down as I feel like I’m having to repress my sexuality, kinks and desires, but having said that I don’t want my sex life to be like this forever.

Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. When I read your post, I wondered if your wife still loves you. Does she? How does she show it?

[JoeSmooth]

Wow. That sounds frustrating and difficult. I've also had the same partner for a very long time (since 1999). We've definitely had to work on certain incompatibilities. With patience, mutual respect, and compromise--we've managed to keep things fresh and fun for both of us without crossing each other's boundaries.

I have found that conversations about sexual specifics are best kept outside the bedroom. After dinner is an ideal time for us, starting with a simple, "I want to discuss X, is that okay?" Finding a good time for both of us is more productive than one person demanding that a thing be discussed on their schedule.

I also find that asking questions and waiting for answers (my hubs likes to think before he speaks, which I find maddening during a disagreement because I am impatient as hell). Finding out exactly what's causing your wife's reticence is important if you want to address it effectively.
Is there a lack of trust because she disagreed with your past porn intake? Does she simply not enjoy the stocking thing? Is she upset about something else in the relationship and just not feeling it? Is menopause or another health issue impacting how sexy she feels? All good things to ask, and any one of them might help you two figure this out.

Best of luck in this!

What a coincidence 1999!!

Thanks for this, I can see your point in relation to keeping the discussions out of the bedroom as it always kills any moment.

When I have asked her if she would put on some leg wear it descends into “am I not enough” and “ why can’t you be satisfied”. Sometimes it’s excuses and she’s even said “why don’t you wear”, maybe o should call her bluff and put on a pair.

The main bone of contention is that pantyhose remind her of the time period when I admitted a porn problem so I think it’s down to trust.

Shes categorically said she won’t wear ever again when we’ve clashed over it or if I have the audacity to mention spicing things up or trying new things.

[JoeSmooth]

Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. When I read your post, I wondered if your wife still loves you. Does she? How does she show it?

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I wonder sometimes because if it were the other way around and she was like “I really want us to try xyz cos I really like it” I’d give it a go definitely.

She’s definitely more acts of service which gets thrown at me whenever I mention my needs which I understand to be something called bread-crumbing along with bare minimum sex wise - I.e doing just enough to keep me in the relationship.

She shows me very little affection that’s for sure and generally swats away any advances.

[atskitty2]

Welcome to WHI JoeSmooth! I'm so glad you found us and decided to share your story here!
Sounds like it's been a rough time for a long time. 10 years is a long time to be trying to manage this sort of incompatibility.

Did your wife go to counseling with you during the transition away from porn? From what you've said, it really sounds like she's much more deeply affected by this than you (and probably she) ever realized. If not, I would strongly suggest you both go back to counseling to work through this inadequacy she seems to be feeling.

Have you two ever really had a heart to heart talk about her feelings about your porn usage? and how that left her feeling about you? about herself? I mean, a deep, honest and open discussion about that time in your marriage. If you two haven't spent some time in serious discussion about all this, that's probably the missing piece here. You need to hash it all out, get all the "stuff" out on the table and bare your souls to understand why you did what you did, and why she's feeling and acting in the ways she is now.

My guess is that she isn't gonna be jumping at the chance to have this discussion, but in some shape or form, this all has to be worked through in order to progress the relationship and get back on track. Seeing a counselor is a great way to kind of "soften" the difficulty of opening up and moving in the direction of healing. Do you think she would go? Maybe alone at first?