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  • Sexless in Seatle

    All was great during the dating period, sex once a day or more then marriage, work stress and a move and that killed the sex drive. Not in the morning , too tired, not late at night as it's too late. We tried going dancing but when home ''I'm not interested , I'm too tired. I tried numerous times to be romantic without any results, I've asked many times , tried seducing, tried suggesting but been turned down so many times over the years I finally gave up asking and suggesting. I then focused on maintaining the other aspects of the relationship as this is the woman I love. Those aspects are good and still are, but I can't help being angry at times right out of the blue, in traffic, at work and I don't know why at the time, I'm also instantly impatient with her, curt and somewhat negative. I feel rejected, not appreciated, not desired.

    So in order to handle the rejection and to lower my sex drive I turn to Alcohol at night and porn during the day. In the first and second year of marriage I used porn 3 times a day. If I was lucky we had maintenance sex once a month if that but one year was quite a lot worse than that. After so many years of that and resorting to bags of chips because ' why not eat if we are not going to make love' I put on about 15lbs while she put on 50 above our average weights. So again after 9 years I find that I really could care less about making love to her. I don't find her attractive, there is only mental chemistry and a common friendship. No sizzle or relying on your someone who knows your body best and when you need attention and how to best blow your socks off. I feel resentment most of the times when I think of it and how I had no choice but to go along. It is very upsetting for someone who does not believe in divorce. I now find I am more interested in a poly relationship or swinging and on reflection most of all my past relationships were manogamish.

    Is it possible to salvage and re-ignite the passion, to expect that with work we can pick up where we left off in our first year ? I feel dejected, deflated, disappointed but still do not believe in cheating and could not do so for the guilt I would have.
    ?

  • Originally posted by CJ99 View Post
    All was great during the dating period, sex once a day or more then marriage, work stress and a move and that killed the sex drive. Not in the morning , too tired, not late at night as it's too late. We tried going dancing but when home ''I'm not interested , I'm too tired. I tried numerous times to be romantic without any results, I've asked many times , tried seducing, tried suggesting but been turned down so many times over the years I finally gave up asking and suggesting. I then focused on maintaining the other aspects of the relationship as this is the woman I love. Those aspects are good and still are, but I can't help being angry at times right out of the blue, in traffic, at work and I don't know why at the time, I'm also instantly impatient with her, curt and somewhat negative. I feel rejected, not appreciated, not desired.

    So in order to handle the rejection and to lower my sex drive I turn to Alcohol at night and porn during the day. In the first and second year of marriage I used porn 3 times a day. If I was lucky we had maintenance sex once a month if that but one year was quite a lot worse than that. After so many years of that and resorting to bags of chips because ' why not eat if we are not going to make love' I put on about 15lbs while she put on 50 above our average weights. So again after 9 years I find that I really could care less about making love to her. I don't find her attractive, there is only mental chemistry and a common friendship. No sizzle or relying on your someone who knows your body best and when you need attention and how to best blow your socks off. I feel resentment most of the times when I think of it and how I had no choice but to go along. It is very upsetting for someone who does not believe in divorce. I now find I am more interested in a poly relationship or swinging and on reflection most of all my past relationships were manogamish.

    Is it possible to salvage and re-ignite the passion, to expect that with work we can pick up where we left off in our first year ? I feel dejected, deflated, disappointed but still do not believe in cheating and could not do so for the guilt I would have.
    ?
    What you describe is not that uncommon but to varying degrees. Sometimes it is the man that isn't getting enough sex and sometimes it is the woman that isn't getting enough sex. The person with the lowest sex drive is almost always the one controlling the amount of sex in the relationship unless there is coercion or intimidation or worse.

    Did she put on the extra weight after limiting sex (or before or at the same time?) My personal experience is that I found as I got older and as I gained weight I became much more tolerant about the weight of my partner. Is it possible that your attitude about her weight turned her off? Do you love all of her or only all except the last 50 pounds?

    Maybe by going to counseling you could find out if your attitude was part of what drove her to withdraw from sex and possibly have a poor body image.

    All of that said, problems like this can also be hormone driven or driven by other physical conditions. The problem with exploring things that way is that finding doctors that have true expertise may be hard. Further your partner has to agree to participate.

    I suppose one way to deal with the situation would be to go to a psychologist that will work on lowering your desire for sex.

    Poly could possible work but it requires her consent and working out rules together.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Thanks ! an open conversation and possibly counciling if she is into it.

      Comment


      • Good luck!!

        Comment


        • Perhaps focusing on your physical and emotional well-being more will ignite something.

          Positive behaviour is infectious and admirable. The same energy would be required to find a new partner so if you want to then put that focus on your current relationship

          Comment

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