[atskitty2]

I am divorced. No interest in marrying again.
My partner never married, never wanted to. Thankfully never wanted children either.

We've been coupled up for almost 7 years now. People assume we're married. If they comment, depending on context, I often don't bother to correct them. Not important.

But often they ask, directly, if we are married, or refer to each other as "your husband" or "wife". I don't care too much, usually. I refer to him as my partner. I think he usually uses the verbiage "long term". Generally, it seems to be assumed that we're less committed, without that marriage contract.

For other long-term, committed, non-married couples, how do you think your relationship is perceived by others? How do you answer questions about your relationship status?

[JonnyR]

This happens a lot to a friend who is not married to his partner, but they've been living together and dating for like close to 10-15 years.

He's, in fact, taken it one step further -- he now purposefully tells people he meets (especially new people) she is his wife, often referring to her directly in that way when relaying a story or anecdote about his life where she comes up.

The first time I heard him do this, I was shocked! I was like "wait, what? When did you get married...?" And was actually really caught off guard, knowing he never really wanted to get married.

He explained to me that it's a lot easier to just refer to her as his wife, and she does the same, so they don't have to explain it or go into detail.

As for me personally, I've never had this happen with my long-term ENM partner, but that could also be because we probably don't give off those "married forever" vibes like other couples might.

But yes, for older-school people, anything less than marriage is deemed to be "not committed" despite the fact that marriage is no guarantee of anyone being faithful or anything being long-term.

[atskitty2]

JonnyR I know a lot of couples that have dealt with it in this way, but it seems dishonest or something to me. I'm just not comfy using the term "husband", because he's not.

On vaca recently, a couple we were having a conversation with asked, directly, if we were married. In the context, it simply wasn't relevant, and why this guy even went out of his way to ask was a little odd to me. After awhile chatting with these 4, I got the sense that at least 1 of the couples were possibly swingers and were likely scoping us out as potential partners. We noped out of the interaction after awhile, as they seemed to be way more intoxicated than we were and getting a bit obnoxious. My guy said to me, "did you think that was rude at all?" Yeah, it wasn't important and I don't know why that was even on his mind...but way too personal seemed to be his intent for conversation struck up poolside.

I guess this is just something that has to cycle through, like any other social change.

[JonnyR]

Yeah, I get that! atskitty2 It would certainly be a bit "cringe" as the kids say now to call a significant other something so heavy with multiple meanings that nonchalantly.

In our society, the assumption of a couple that looks well established is to think they are married - whether good or bad.

Meaning -- if they look really connected and comfy, they must be married, and if they look miserable and indifferent, then they also must be married! ?

But we should be able to come up with other terminology that is not so restrictive to designate when someone is perhaps more than just "boyfriend/girlfriend", but not quite "married."

[atskitty2]

JonnyR yes, we do! I usually say "partner" which leaves most people thinking I'm in a same-sex relationship. Saying "boyfriend" sounds juvenile, somehow, and we're not just "dating" really. Saying "my man" is weird, uncomfortable for me.

Such a weird space to be in! Whenever possible, I just simply use his name and avoid any designation at all. Sometimes, in context, that's difficult to do.

[Alison H.]

There really should be some other type of designation because you're right, "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" sounds so juvenile unless you're under 30. My grandma referred to her guy as her "companion", which was cute for the 80+ age but probably a little strange for anyone younger LOL.

My steady, my gentleman caller (LOL), my lady friend... like, there really isn't a good term and there should be. My sleepover buddy?

But back to the point of the thread, I think it's just so ingrained in our society that couples of the long-term variety must be married, since that's how it was traditionally. But those traditions are falling away so I'd expect over the next couple/few decades, marriage won't be assumed like it still often is.

I get not wanting to refer to a partner as a husband or wife unless they actually are, though. It feels disingenuous.