[Acesup]

OK I am trapped in a quandry here. I am really struggling with my wife's attitude and behavior during perimenopause or at least she always attributes her actions to perimenopause like that excuses her from any personal responsibility for the things she says to me. Like she will say the most insulting offensive things to personally hurt me and then walk them back later when she is calm and be like that was just the hormones talking you gotta give me some grace and deal with it.

But I don't know what to do. She said something I admittedly took the wrong way and got offended by this weekend and I spoke up and said something. She is always saying I gotta communicate with her in the moment and not let things fester. I did. She gets angry and says I'm too sensitive and its such a turnoff cause she doesn't want a ***** and she wants a real man who isn't so sensitive.

I'll admit I took it the wrong way and once she explained that I got it and apologized. But I still face the quandry that when she says something that is over the line and that if i said it to her we would be divorced what do i do.

If I speak up and defend myself and say that is not OK talking to me like that then my wife sees me as a sensitive ***** and isn't attracted to me (Her words incidentally I've never seen why pussies are seen as being weak those things take a pounding but thats just a side note) If I don't speak up and just take it is that really being more of a man or is she going to lose respect for me and get the idea she can just talk to me any way she wants and walk all over me and then be less attracted to me for that reason. And will that lack of respect lead to her cheating on me cause she thinks I'm weak for not fighting back.

I'm actually not that thin skinned. I can take it if she doesn't mean it. Whatever just words. Its the lack of respect and the idea that if she actually thinks some of these really messed up things she says I can't be married to her because she doesn't respect me, that is what makes me spin and want to fight back.

So what do I do? Turn the other cheek and try to give her grace and risk losing her respect or speak up and risk her seeing me as too sensitive? Feels like I can't win.

[JonnyR]

Acesup — I read through that, and I get why you’re torn.

On one hand, you don’t want to start a fight every time she says something off. On the other hand, letting it slide over and over starts to eat at you and builds resentment.

That’s a tough place to live.

What it feels like is happening is you’re constantly trying to “manage” her reactions — picking your moments, weighing whether it’s worth it, walking that line between speaking up and keeping the peace. That’s exhausting long-term, and it slowly puts you in a position where your own feelings matter less and less.

At the same time, if every comment turns into a confrontation, that probably just reinforces the cycle you’re already stuck in.

So maybe the middle ground isn’t “call it out every time” or “say nothing”… it’s how and when you bring it up.

Not in the heat of the moment. Not as a counterpunch. But later, when things are calm, and it’s more like: “Hey, when you said that earlier, it actually stuck with me more than I think you realized.”

Less about proving she was wrong, more about letting her see the impact.

Because right now, it sounds like part of the problem is she either doesn’t realize how much some of this lands…or she’s used to it not being addressed in a way that sticks.

I’m curious — when you have calmly brought something up after the fact (not mid-fight), how does she usually respond? Does she shut it down, get defensive, or ever actually hear you?

And for you — how often are you holding things in just to avoid conflict, and what does that start to feel like after a few days or weeks of doing that?

There’s a difference between keeping the peace and slowly losing your voice. You’re trying to avoid one without falling into the other.

[chrishillus]

A balanced middle ground seems healthiest here. You can set a clear boundary without turning every disagreement into a fight. Calmly explaining how her words affect you, especially after things settle down, may help break the cycle.