[talk time]

I am having problems with my fiance's ex partner.

She is really pushing the boundaries. they have a young child together and I absolutely adore her. He works away and is home half of the time, at which time we have her most of the time he is home plus I have her on occassions when he is away and have my children all of the time also.

He is very generous and pays the max child support and doesn't claim back anything for any of the time he has her, or claim for the private school fees etc. which he legally could, but is making good money so is happy to do that. We buy most of her clothes also sporting activities, health fund, anything she needs also.

She has a birthday comming up and we have bought her a new wardrobe of clothes to keep at our house, as she is not always sent over with the nice clothes we have bought her and thought it would be nice for her to not have to live out of a suitcase when she comes to stay, but have a wardrobe full of clothes here to make it more like home and more settled. We have also bought her other gifts she can enjoy at her mums house also. His ex is not happy about the clothes staying at our house, perhaps because it means she will have to buy her clothes for her house.

My partner is away at the moment and told me that his ex would be calling me to get some money for the birthday party. I asked him how much he wanted to give her and he said that they hadn't come to a figure but given what she had told him of the costs he gave me a ball park figure of what his portion to pay would be, which is very generous and several hundred dollars. when she called she expected him to pay more than this and I told her what he had in mind and said I would arrange for the maximum amount he had mentioned in the ball park he gave me.

She still wasn't happy with this but I said I would pay the max he said and if half of the party was anymore he would sort this out with her when he comes home, which is before the party. She still wasn't happy but I didn't budge.

I hate that I have been put in this situation and also feel she is really taking advantage of his generosity and didn't want her to feel like she could take advantage of me also.

We would not deny his child anything but it sometimes feels like we are supporting his ex as well as his daughter as she doesn't have to contribute to much towards their childs expenses, even out of the huge amount of child support he pays and she has a well paying job also.

Am I being unreasonable? words of advise please.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am having problems with my fiance's ex partner.

She is really pushing the boundaries. they have a young child together and I absolutely adore her. He works away and is home half of the time, at which time we have her most of the time he is home plus I have her on occassions when he is away and have my children all of the time also.

He is very generous and pays the max child support and doesn't claim back anything for any of the time he has her, or claim for the private school fees etc. which he legally could, but is making good money so is happy to do that. We buy most of her clothes also sporting activities, health fund, anything she needs also.

She has a birthday comming up and we have bought her a new wardrobe of clothes to keep at our house, as she is not always sent over with the nice clothes we have bought her and thought it would be nice for her to not have to live out of a suitcase when she comes to stay, but have a wardrobe full of clothes here to make it more like home and more settled. We have also bought her other gifts she can enjoy at her mums house also. His ex is not happy about the clothes staying at our house, perhaps because it means she will have to buy her clothes for her house.

My partner is away at the moment and told me that his ex would be calling me to get some money for the birthday party. I asked him how much he wanted to give her and he said that they hadn't come to a figure but given what she had told him of the costs he gave me a ball park figure of what his portion to pay would be, which is very generous and several hundred dollars. when she called she expected him to pay more than this and I told her what he had in mind and said I would arrange for the maximum amount he had mentioned in the ball park he gave me.

She still wasn't happy with this but I said I would pay the max he said and if half of the party was anymore he would sort this out with her when he comes home, which is before the party. She still wasn't happy but I didn't budge.

I hate that I have been put in this situation and also feel she is really taking advantage of his generosity and didn't want her to feel like she could take advantage of me also.

We would not deny his child anything but it sometimes feels like we are supporting his ex as well as his daughter as she doesn't have to contribute to much towards their childs expenses, even out of the huge amount of child support he pays and she has a well paying job also.

Am I being unreasonable? words of advise please.

It's difficult because you can't come across as interferring.

But, firstly i think that he is being to generous and consequently she is taking advantage of that. The daughter is a "child", children don't need hundreds of dollars spent on a party, rather friends and fun. If she didn't have him there she would have to change her ways in that regard.

The clothes issue... Firstly, you state " she doesn't come over in nice clothes" - If i was the Mother, and knew that you had new "nice" clothes for her at your home, and i had not so "nice" clothes for her at mine, i wouldn't like it. I'd feel threatened that you were zooming in too much and that my daughter would prefer coming to your house.

What would have been more appropriate in my thoughts, would have been to split them 50/50, give her some to take home, whilst keeping some at your home, making it more equal.

It's tough getting involved in a Marriage break-up with children involved...

I think you need to speak with him and have him communicate with her finalising things before he goes, 100% so that you don't have to do the negotiations on his behalf, rather stay out of it...

As, it cause tension and also upsets you.

I also think he needs to get a grip on not being so giving and just "giving" the love to his daughter as he does, as apposed to money /gifts /what ever she wants, as the Mother is not ever going to come to the party even if she finds another man. She'll just continuing taking and he has to realise that his daughter doesn't know any of this, she is too young, so it's the Mother that is benefiting... Start taming it down a bit............

[talk time]

Thanks CW, you are right I am feeling frustrated at having to have any of these negotiations and feel it is not my role and it is very uncomfortable for me. I want us to all have a possitive relationship and feel me being left to do these things threatens this.

The clothes sharing is a good idea but my partner wants them to stay here as he is frustrated that the clothes we have bought her previously, some of them come over with her when she stays but she also comes over with t-shirts with holes in them etc Subsequently he buys her more new clothes which then go home with her and so it goes on.

I leave all these decisions up to him as I do want to stay out of it, but I could suggest to him that she might want to pick a special outfit out of her new clothes to take home.

He is too generous and can afford to be so he does, it makes him feel good and I don't have a problem with this.

I do get your point though that it is setting up a situation where the mother doesn't have to come to the party in terms of her contribution. This is not something I want to get involved in though as it is not to do with me but between the two of them to sort out.

I guess that is the whole point in one, I want to be left out of this and I will speak to him about not leaving me to make any of these negotiations as it is very uncomfortable and I am worried about doing the wrong thing.

Thanks again. tt