[still-in-love]

I am one month out from that awful day. I have stayed with him but it is not easy. One day I am ok and then other days I am angry and hurt and just mean. He put me through a lot with this other woman who was supposed to only be his friend. The thing is he messed with her for a year and half. He even took her with him on a work trip. I fell so . I fell so ashamed and I feel like my heart and soul are in pieces. The only reason I found out what was going on is because he was trying to get away from her and he stopped sleeping with her sometime last year. But still talked to her because she kept threatening to tell me. So she started calling me and emailing me...... She is also married but kept fussing at me because she wanted to mess up his life.

I am so upset. Why didn't he tell me? He let that B**** control is life all because he was afraid I was going to leave him. He swears up and down he knows how and inconsiderate he was. And yes of course if he could do it all over again he wouldn't. But that doesn't help me. I need advise. I am not going to leave him. I have put too much time and effort into this relationship to allow someone else to come in and reap the rewards.

But how do I get over his mess up? I am still in love with him. But how could he do this to me? I have been faithful, loving, and supportive. I am a good woman and he screwed me over. No one in our family knows. His best friend knows and when I told him I knew he just told me he was sorry. Someone please offer advise. I need it. But please don't be mean and say nasty things as I am trying to make it day by day. Oh did I mention we have a 2 year old together....... So much more happened but I don't think I have the strength or the energy to type all of the drama in.

[Joy]

hi sorry your heart and soul has been broken. i guess you need to forgive if you are going to stay it will only help you heal it doesn't excuse your husband for being unfaithful but it will eventually release you from the pain.

Get involved with your needs and desires and find a new side of yourself. Go get some counselling either by yourself or as a couple.

you shouldn't stay if you find yourself unable to forgive because that won't be good for your child if you and your husband can't teach her forgiveness.

good luck each day

[damd]

Everyone's situation is different, I personally witnessed the destruction of my parents marraige 6 years ago. And like most of my advice in this matter is marriage counseling. Something broke in your marriage and you need to find what it is. Your husband strayed for a reason, and I am not saying it is your fault, but something he was lacking with you so he looked towards someone else. This is going to take some time to rebuild and it is not going to happen overnight. So like I said, get some proffessional help and see a counselor, your marriage is worth it.

There are a few threads here with women in a simular situation, you might want to read a few and look for some insight there.

Good luck to you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi still-in-love.

Seems that as soon as the little one was born, around 6 month old, off he went, with a co-worker for one and a half years...

That's really tough..

Off course women pregnant go through hormonal changes, and i imagine you did, morning sickness, all sorts. Then the baby is born and your busy there to, nurturing and taking care of the baby.

He was very selfish not to have understanding of this time in a Woman's life, where she is not really herself.

The co-worker (you mentioned on another thread), is a spiteful woman, I am sure she was aware that you were pregnant and then aware that you had the baby and probably probed questions to him, regarding his sexual life, then offered comfort in a not so comfort way, all the while feeding him so she could get what she wanted and had for 18 months.

I say this because she threatened to tell you, then told you.. That is a woman scorned and she shouldn't have entered some one's kitchen if she didn't want to get burnt.

Good for you to realise that her intentions are to now get even with him, to break up the marriage and i bet she is nice and peeved that that hasn't worked.

Some women are pure Evil and i suspect he was weak and shouldn't have gone there but he did, you can't change that now.

But, i won't be nasty, however, 18 months is a long time, so perhaps you do need to look at how you and him have been over that period of time and make some changes.

He may have been stup1d to start with, but to continue this long, means that he needed something more at home, sometimes it's laughter, friendship, togetherness, which you may have been so busy with the little one that you forgot about that side of your relationship.

You both need to sit down and ascertain not what happened as it's done. But, why?

More importantly, why for so long?

Then maybe you can work towards ensuring it never happens again.

He needs to also understand forgiving is one thing forgetting is not.

So, he has to also understand that it will take time for you to work this out together.

And that what he did was very wrong...

CW

[Guest]

just so you know it will take a long while for you to get over this...and you will never forget!!! so if you cannot get over this (and i dont mean right now bcuz it is still so fresh) in time you will have to leave or you will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of your life...and that is not fair to you... i know you have a child...but please do not stay together and be miserable for the child...children see when parents dislike one another and it will make them bitter children... just breath and take it day by day...

[Fire(m)]

I respect the fact that you are wanting to stay with him. I think that you two should talk this through and really figure out what he was thinking when he began this affair and why he kept with it for so long.
I feel fairly certain that you will not like it if he is totally honest with you about why he first did this, but I think it's necessary that you understand, so you both can move on. I also think that he owes it to you to really come clean with you about why he made the decision to mess around on you to begin with. I am pretty sure he will want to move on from this quickly, but it is again, very important to fully understand what happened so you will both know how to avoid this pitfall in the future.

No matter what the temptation is, don't kill him while he's telling you what really happened. I'd want to know what his emotional state was, and how that related to what was going on with the two of you at the time...what she offered him that he couldn't get at home, etc. (and I don't mean just the obvious). There was something else. What was it? I think if you're cool, you'll get him to open up about all this wiht the understanding that you are trying to move forward with your relationship together.

Good luck. I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve it.

[snuglet]

Hey there,

My husband cheated on me too - about 10 months ago. It was a drunken encounter at friend's party not far from home. I left early - was tired and when I noticed he wasn't home at 3am went looking for him. And found him and the babysitter of said friend in a very compromising position.

Granted, this was a one-night "stand" with no emotional strings attached like your husband, and we don't have children, but it hurt - A LOT. We have been in counseling since then and just recently things are starting to feel better. I still think about it constantly, especially since we live in a small town and I pass by the scene of the crime quite frequently and the tart's house as well.

As other posters have said, it takes time and lots of it. I'm a Christian and took solace in reading many Christian books on marriage trouble from cheating and it really helped heal me. The therapy has been invaluable too, as we've been able to get to the root of some issues leading up to his infidelity.

I strongly urge you to seek some counseling both individual and marriage. It can be costly, and if your insurance doesn't cover it, you can talk to your pastor if you are church-going, or if you live near a university with a counseling program, they often offer reduced-rate services for their graduate students-in-training (who are always supervised). Many social workers also provide therapy, which can be cheaper than a psychologist.

Also, be sure to discuss this with your physician, and if you don't get regular check-ups, go get one. Your mental health (i.e. feelings about your husband and the situation) can really affect your physical health, and throwing a baby in the mix makes it harder with your hormonal fluctuations and caring for the child. Your physician is not there to judge, but to make sure you stay as healthy as possible. Also, you SHOULD get tested for STD if you haven't, in the event the other woman carried something or was fooling around with other men while with your husband.

When my husband cheated, I had one foot out the door, but I ended up staying because of his desire to want to make our marriage work. Had he not wanted that, then I would have separated for sure, and maybe even be divorced by now. Your best chances for reconciliation revolve around your husband's willingness to make it work. Otherwise, don't try to rationalize his behavior - he was wrong, period. If he doesn't want to be a committed father and husband, then consider your options.

God bless you.

P.S. Just to be clear, the "babysitter" my husband cheated with is a 25-year-old woman married to a youth pastor. Just wanted to be clear that it wasn't a YOUNG babysitter - yikes!