[Lera]

I just realized today that i am extremely tired . I am married, this is a second marriage and i feel myself comletely lost. Right know i am thinking that the best thing to do for myself and kids leave my husband. I'll try to describe everything whats going on in our life.

My older son(from previous) marriage is 15 years old. My daughter is almost 3. I am married with my second husband almost 4 years. It was not my idea, he was kind of pushing me to marry him. Of course i liked him so much, but i was afraid, i was not sure if i want to get married again. But anyway, its happened. Fot the beginning its was great, i was so happy and thankfull that i made this desicion.

I stopped working after i had a baby. Now its almost 3 years i am at home. I would like to go work again but i can't. My baby has a delays, she is in autusm spektrum. She is making so much progress but she still needs to work with psychologist.

My husband is only one who is working. During all our marriage we went out only 3 times. I forgot what is Beauty salon, i dont remember when the last time i was ordering food in restaurant...

I am using my Debit Card, but only for Gas and Food. When i am buying the food i am thinking should i buy cereal for son, or cheese for myself.

Of course i am ending buying cereal. If i did both my husband sending me an e-mail with note that i spend too much. My parents are giving me some cash, but he doesnt know about it because if he will, he will cut my spending even more.

I still look great, believe it or not. I am doing everything myself, nails, hair. I am in great shape. Just my health is not strong anymore, i start having like a depression attack, when i just want to go in dark room, and just sleep, dont want to talk to anyone.

My husband is going to bed at 10:30, we sharing bedroom with my daughter. if she wakes upi have to take her to living room and we sit there with her untill he wakes up(untill 6 am), because if not, he is yelling, F...k at us, and says that he has to work, he has to pay the bills, and he cant be tired because my daughter is waking up.


If he draws on the paper and accidentally she draws on the table, he yells at us. If she spills the water or eating cracker he yelles at me. I dont know my apartment is clean. I clean every day. He is telling me that i should start working, but he cant pay for daycare, but even if i find the job ( i am a nurse), my baby is not qualify right know anyway, so he find solution, i can work at night at the supermarket.


I am going crazy, people. I am not even talking about his relationship with my son, you just can imagine if he is with his own daughter this way... But i am lucky my son is very nice boy. He is trying to dont have any conflict with stepfather, he is just a smart, bright young man. I am proud of him. I did write before here about lock of sex in out relationship, since then we didnt have any(about 6-7 months), but at this time it was worry me a lot, now i dont even care. I can even imagine having physical contact with him. he turned me off completely.

I dont know, maybe he is thinking that i am not American, and he can do whatever he wants. European woman are a little different. But i think it way too much. I understand that its kind of scary to live with him. I cant relay on him.

Couple weeks ago i had to take my baby at the hospital, he was going to bed already and he saw baby is very sick. he just helped me to take her downstars in the car, and he went to bed after and slept all night. We came back only at 5 am. He called me to ask how she is feeling only at 4 pm next day. he is saying he doesnt want to divorce me, but what does he wants??? Its not even a half of my every day stress. All day i am busy, therapists for my daughter, cleaning, cooking, talking with her constantly trying to make herto say at least something. Playing with her, taking her to the park for 3 hours, because i want her to see other kids, maybe she will finally pay attention at them...Its too much stress, and after this, i have to be aware of everything what my kids are doing to dont make my husband angry. Because when he is ...its loud and very rude.

I never experience anything like this in my life.

My parents never rasied their voice in fron of kids (me and my brother). I had a different picture in my family. And now... i dont want to my son see this kind of relationship. But i am afraid to leave him...i just feel myself like a looser.

Second marriage... Second kid without Dad. I feel very guilty in from of them. Sorry for such a crazy, long, letter with million mistakes.

I just had to say this loud because some times i feel my heart cant take it anymore...

Thank you if you read my post.

[maz33]

Lera, I'm not surprised you're so tired. You've got alot of weight on your shoulders and you're trying to be the perfect wife and mother. This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you and your children to be in, tip-toeing around a man who shouts and swears and doesn't seem to show much love and compassion. You all deserve to be treated better than that. Both your children need to know that they are loved and cherished enough to live in a happy home.

Sounds like you don't have much of a social life but do you have any friends or family around to talk to? Isolation is a dangerous place to be when problems get on top. It's good that you go out to the park etc, keep getting out and meeting people, build a good social network so you don't feel alone.

Ok you feel bad about being married twice, your children having different fathers, and it sounds like you're scared of leaving another 'failed marriage' behind you but your children will be fine with you in a happy stable envionment.

I'm tempted to ask whether it's possible you could be depressed but to be honest that's a silly question as anyone would be depressed in the situation you've described. A teenage son, a toddler with learning difficulties, an arrogant unattentive husband... Do you think marriage guidance is an option? It might be worth a try to get your husband to see what he's doing to you, as he might not realise how his behaviour affects everyone around him. However, if it's gone too far for that or you're scared for your children's and/or your own safety I would say go to a women's refuge where you'll be safe until you can move on.

The happy existence you all deserve is out there waiting for you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Firstly, don't stress your not alone.

I just realized today that i am extremely tired . I am married, this is a second marriage and i feel myself comletely lost. Right know i am thinking that the best thing to do for myself and kids leave my husband. I'll try to describe everything whats going on in our life.



My older son(from previous) marriage is 15 years old. My daughter is almost 3. I am married with my second husband almost 4 years. It was not my idea, he was kind of pushing me to marry him. Of course i liked him so much, but i was afraid, i was not sure if i want to get married again. But anyway, its happened. Fot the beginning its was great, i was so happy and thankfull that i made this desicion.


I stopped working after i had a baby. Now its almost 3 years i am at home. I would like to go work again but i can't. My baby has a delays, she is in autusm spektrum. She is making so much progress but she still needs to work with psychologist.


My husband is only one who is working. During all our marriage we went out only 3 times. I forgot what is Beauty salon, i dont remember when the last time i was ordering food in restaurant...

I am using my Debit Card, but only for Gas and Food. When i am buying the food i am thinking should i buy cereal for son, or cheese for myself.

Of course i am ending buying cereal. If i did both my husband sending me an e-mail with note that i spend too much. My parents are giving me some cash, but he doesnt know about it because if he will, he will cut my spending even more.

I still look great, believe it or not. I am doing everything myself, nails, hair. I am in great shape. Just my health is not strong anymore, i start having like a depression attack, when i just want to go in dark room, and just sleep, dont want to talk to anyone.

My husband is going to bed at 10:30, we sharing bedroom with my daughter. if she wakes upi have to take her to living room and we sit there with her untill he wakes up(untill 6 am), because if not, he is yelling, F...k at us, and says that he has to work, he has to pay the bills, and he cant be tired because my daughter is waking up.


If he draws on the paper and accidentally she draws on the table, he yells at us. If she spills the water or eating cracker he yelles at me. I dont know my apartment is clean. I clean every day. He is telling me that i should start working, but he cant pay for daycare, but even if i find the job ( i am a nurse), my baby is not qualify right know anyway, so he find solution, i can work at night at the supermarket.


I am going crazy, people. I am not even talking about his relationship with my son, you just can imagine if he is with his own daughter this way... But i am lucky my son is very nice boy. He is trying to dont have any conflict with stepfather, he is just a smart, bright young man. I am proud of him. I did write before here about lock of sex in out relationship, since then we didnt have any(about 6-7 months), but at this time it was worry me a lot, now i dont even care. I can even imagine having physical contact with him. he turned me off completely.

I dont know, maybe he is thinking that i am not American, and he can do whatever he wants. European woman are a little different. But i think it way too much. I understand that its kind of scary to live with him. I cant relay on him.

Couple weeks ago i had to take my baby at the hospital, he was going to bed already and he saw baby is very sick. he just helped me to take her downstars in the car, and he went to bed after and slept all night. We came back only at 5 am. He called me to ask how she is feeling only at 4 pm next day. he is saying he doesnt want to divorce me, but what does he wants??? Its not even a half of my every day stress. All day i am busy, therapists for my daughter, cleaning, cooking, talking with her constantly trying to make herto say at least something. Playing with her, taking her to the park for 3 hours, because i want her to see other kids, maybe she will finally pay attention at them...Its too much stress, and after this, i have to be aware of everything what my kids are doing to dont make my husband angry. Because when he is ...its loud and very rude.

I never experience anything like this in my life.

My parents never rasied their voice in fron of kids (me and my brother). I had a different picture in my family. And now... i dont want to my son see this kind of relationship. But i am afraid to leave him...i just feel myself like a looser.

Second marriage... Second kid without Dad. I feel very guilty in from of them. Sorry for such a crazy, long, letter with million mistakes.

I just had to say this loud because some times i feel my heart cant take it anymore...

Thank you if you read my post.

Sweet if ever a post won my heart this one did.

You can not give anything more than you are giving... You have in fact given so much that your hurting as well as tired and can't take anymore. If you continue this way, you will only cause yourself to go into depression and feel your useless, not worth anything and feel pain. Every bit of strength you currently have left is spent on your child.

You have no support, from your husband, no respect, no love and no sexual life... He has ALMOST made you hate him, ALMOST but all you think about is second marriage failing as aposed to he is not there for you and he is definately not their for YOUR child together. Not yours sweet, but yours as husband and wife.

You haven't failed. You are beautiful. You look in that mirror and you see that, you think what's wrong with me? You look after yourself?

Marriage is NOT about he makes the money, he pays the Mortgage so I NEED SLEEP, you attend to that child, you take him to the hospital, I expect my house perfect, or you feel that way to make him love you.

If ever I wanted to call a guy a name, in all the posts I have ever replied to some 2000+, one if i could i would as a member, two I can't as a Moderator but he needs one. A Really nasty one.

He shows no respect for you, nor your child together... It's me, me, me, with him.

All the while you have spend months trying to work out ways in which to make HIM happy.

I didn't review your last posts on sex, no point.

This guy is useless, a waste of space, a controller, and an abuser. He is not worth the two feet he places one step after the other.

He is not worthy of you. You have soul, but youve come to the end of your teather, your not tired, at all. You have nothing else to give him and your bordering depressed or are.

You can't live this way anymore.

Okay.

1) Talk to your family and vent, express and let it out.
2) Forget taking a job on for HIM, do it for yourself and get out.
3) Gather your friends over when he's home and let them see him for who he is and REBELL. Show him that you have friends and that you can stand on your own two feet.
4). Commend yourself, you are an excellent mother.
5). Commend yourself, you've looked after yourself and you are beautiful.
6). Understand ... you did not fail.
7.) Well done for saying how your feeling and finally asking people to help you.
8) Ask your family and friends to be there for you.

And 9) Get the hel1 out of that situation NOW.

You have all the love you need at the moment, your SON... He, I am sure regardless of his illness sees Mummy loves him and spends 3 hrs at a park with him.

You don't owe your husband jack shirt, he owes you for being a wonderful Mother to HIS CHILD.

GET.... Let him see if he can ever find someone as beautiful in soul than you are..

You do not need him, rally with your family and friends, you'd be suprised how they will react.

And, if your in a situation that your not close to them?

Then bad luck get anyway... You don't belong there anymore, he is draining and controlling you, you need to know who you are, a caring loving soul that also needs the same back.

He can't, will never, won't give that to you.

Find a way to leave and just go...

My heart goes out to you and i hope you can see that you are worth more, so much more than this. And, this is why your drained and tired...

HIM...



CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mazz23
I'm tempted to ask whether it's possible you could be depressed but to be honest that's a silly question

Exactly.....

We posted at the exact same time Mazz, yet your post in it's totality had the exact same ring.

But as you are also a Mum, I'm not, you made another very, very valid point.

CW

[maz33]

Exactly.....

We posted at the exact same time Mazz, yet your post in it's totality had the exact same ring.

But as you are also a Mum, I'm not, you made another very, very valid point.

CW

2 peas in a pod

[Uneeklyme]

Lera...

Im sorry your having such a hard time right now.

It sounds like you might have a good relationship with your parents. use your family as your support system. They are probably more aware of whats going on with you than you think they are and are just waiting for you to come to them. Not wanting to interfer.

There are many supportive agencies and whatnot for women and children. Go to your local job service or work first, human resources, even family planning. Explain to them whats going on and even if they don't deal with whats going on, they can more often than not point you in the right direction. Maybe you could even talk to your daughters psychologist about it. All this discord in your life is probably affecting your daughter as well. You already see it in your son. Many of these places can help you with jobs, childcare and support groups.

If you can work nights at the supermarket, is there any reason you cannot work nights as a nurse? The pay would be much better and often times employers of health care professionals offer childcare in facilities. You might be able to garner other resources from them as well.

Just some suggestions. I wish you well.

[Joy]

Lera,

You have not failed no one knows the path one must take toget to where they are going. Any relationship is a two way street and if you are always building someone else up and they are always tearing you down then its out of balance. You need to be built up and given love, support, and room to make mistakes.

You both have a child that needs extra attention and you both have to participate. I am so sorry you have to do all of this by yourself.

If he would cut back more money if he knew your parents gave you some is sad. You deserve to buy yourself a little something to boost your spirits too. An hour or two at the salon changes a woman's spirits in no time. Stylist make their money by adding value to other people's lives. They pamper you, make you look beautiful and make you feel worth it by the time you walk out the door. Each and everyone of us need s to replenish our spirits or we risk becoming depressed. You do deserve to have something in your life other than your children that replenish's you boosts you up and makes you feel on top of the world.

withholding money is considered economic abuse not to mention all the other levels of abuse that is taking place in your life and your childrens.

If you are a nurse then by all means go do nursing in the eveing or day if they offer some type of childcare. You may be able to negotiate childcare as part of your work benefit package. The way you spoke it made me think you are in the USA and they are desparate for health care workers in all areas.

Make a commitment to yourself and your children to leave this situation and it will surprise you how it will all fall into place.

good luck and lots of love

[Fire(m)]

Hi Lera,
I'm sorry that you're in the situation you're in. I think you would be well advised to go to live with your family and leave your husband. I hate to say that, but evidently this man is very controlling and he is abusive in so many ways it's unbelievable.
Get out as fast as you can. If I could support you and your family, I would do so until you could get on your feet. Unfortunately, I have a hard time supporting my family.

Good luck. Please do what you can to get away from him.

[withered_rose]

lera,
I am certainly in agreement with everyone that is here, you need to leave for you and for your children, i know that may parents believe that it is best for a child to grow up in a home with a mother and a father but in reality its not, one supportive parent and one parent that is not even around can seriously effect the child's well being..... It's tough to leave some one that you have built a relationship with and especially have had a child with but you are a strong woman, we all are, and with the support of friends and family you can get away from this chauvanistic man who is causing you to be someone that you are not. Make the better decision and leave him, you will find that it will be difficult but your family will see that you did make the right decision, and that you did not fail, failure is when you chose to give in, fight for yourself and for your children.
good luck and blessed be.