[CBeth]

For years, I've desperately wanted to have my tubes tied - probably since right around the start of puberty. I have never liked children and have never wanted them. Even when I was very little, I always knew I would not have kids.

I know, everyone says I'll change my mind when I get older. 1) I truly don't believe this will ever happen and 2) I don't care if it does, it doesn't change how I feel about having children.

My older brother and my three little cousins are all adopted from South Korea. I'm the only member of my family and generation that isn't adopted. I see absolutely no reason to create a new person when there are millions upon millions of kids already in the world that are unloved, abused, or neglected and need a loving home. So, if I ever wanted a kid, there's no way I would ever consider physically having it.

I also have a fairly strong fear of pregnancy and even pregnant women. I find myself ducking behind counters to avoid waiting on them at work. Yeah, that's probably ridiculous, I know, but I can't help the way I feel about it. My worst nightmares are about getting pregnant; I always wake up feeling sick and afraid to go back to sleep.

The main issue is that I'm afraid to have sex. I can't use any form of birth control that might cause blood clots because of a genetic blood disorder. A little research has found that that rules out most everything but condoms. And I don't trust condoms. Almost all of my relationships end mainly because I won't let sperm come within ten feet of me. Literally.

To my utter horror, it seems that no one will do a tubal ligation at my age. Most won't even do it if you're significantly older if you've never had kids.

Is there any way to convince a doctor to do it? Does anybody know of a similar case? I'd do anything, pay anything, go anywhere to get this done!

[Iseulda]

CBeth - I don't think you need a tubal ligation - I think you need a therapist.

Your fear of pregnancy and sex is irrational. I'm not saying you need someone to teach you to want to have kids, there is nothing abnormal or wrong in a woman not wanting kids. I have female friends of various ages who were sure from an early age that kids weren't for them and are happily living their lives without children. They also have happy and fulfilling sex lives.

I hope I don't sound too mean or harsh but there is a problem here. It's OK to be concerned and careful but you are causing yourself unnecessary anxiety and problems with intimacy and relationships with this fear and you need to get past that. There is no harm or shame in seeking help to get these fears in perspective. Doing so will allow you to have a more pleasant life. And I really don't think sterilisation will do that for you.

Sex does not necessarily equal pregnancy - you are right that the only way for a fertile women to ensure that there is 0% chance of pregnancy is to stay celibate but you are ignoring the fact that, correctly used, condoms provide extremely good protection - I believe about 98% effectiveness.

Doctors will not sterilise young people (men and women) because so often the people will change their minds and reversal requires microsurgery. Also, please note that tubal ligation does have a 1% failure rate. They will tell you that if you do go for the procedure and, seeing as your current concerns leave you terrified of even the smallest chance of pregnancy, I'm not entirely sure you would come out of the tubal ligation feeling any more secure about having sex.

I'm in the same boat as you with the blood clotting disorder (Factor V Leiden, in my case) so I know how limited your birth control options are. Emergency contraception (morning after pill, plan B, etc.) is not entirely out of the question for people like us. It is a calculated risk. I don't know if you have to medicate against clotting yet - but if you do then the morning after pill, as a one off, presents a minimal risk. Certainly it is less risky than going through pregnancy. If you don't take blood thinners and you do find yourself in a situation where you need to take emergency contraception then you can help yourself out by taking half an aspirin a day for the following month, cutting down to a 1/4 aspirin the month after that, then a 1/4 every second day to slowly wean yourself of it. (Never stop suddenly, that could increase the likelihood of an embolism.)

The other thing you can do, along with condoms, is use the rhythm method. Please note I said ALONG WITH condoms. By that I mean only have sex when you are not fertile. If your periods are at all regular it should be relatively easy to work out when you are ovulating and avoid sex during that time. At other times of the month have sex with condoms. You can even chart your temperature and cycles the way some women do when trying to get pregnant, except you'll be using the information to avoid getting pregnant.

Please do consider seeking therapy to get you past these fears. Again, there is not a thing wrong with you for not wanting kids but the steps are taking to avoid pregnancy, and even your adverse reaction to pregnant women, are a problem that is effecting your ability to be happy. You deserve happiness, you don't need to live in fear of intimacy, nor of pregnancy due to it. Tackle the fear, don't let it win.

[voiceofsanity]

Tubal Ligation

I'm really sorry that the only answer you got told you to go to a therapist. You have every rational, logical reason to fear pregnancy and childbirth; both of these are disgusting, life threatening situations, regardless of the propaganda that states otherwise. And the people who come on here and belittle you by offering other "options" (when they know the failure rates are higher, the expenses are higher, and they don't factor in rape, etc.) is ridiculous. I support your decision to have a tubal ligation, based solely on your decision. The medical factors are just more support on your side, but I believe everyone of legal consent, medical issues or not, has a RIGHT to a tubal ligation or vasectomy. I wish I could help more, but I will tell you this: Know your reality, know what you need for you, know that people will try every method to manipulate you (both "nice" and outright hostile gestures), and know that if you keep searching for a doctor who will perform it, you can find one. Make sure to check the doctor's credentials and know the risks involved in the surgery and possible Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome, etc.

A note to all manipulative, condescending, and sexist and/or misogynistic people who come on boards like these to harass people who are undoubtedly more logical than yourselves: Back off.

[LanaBear]

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