[mother/of/four]

Hi all,im brand new to this site and im finding it very informative so am hoping some of you guys can please help me think straight.

Im 33 i have two children from a previous relationship and two from my current partnerchildren being 14 11 6 and18 months..me and the oh have been together 11 years and he has raised my elder daughter as his own from 9 months and my son right fromthe word go as their biological father ran off...anyway so we have four children together all as he is their daddy....
he is 29,and ive recently become pregnant again by complete mistake as i didnt want anymore children after my last baby,who is just over a year i have begged my doctors to sterilise me but they wouldnt....iv had a miscarriage a week ago which i swear was down to stress....when i got pregnant with katie my last daughter he refused point blank to get a vasectomy....i think its only fair...i only ever planned on having two children but now im with him it was only fair of me to give him a child of his own...so i did but two.and when he found out about baby number 5 he said ill have to get the snip now we cant have anymore...ive always taken care of contraceptives ALWAYS,i became pregnant after having the marina coil removed as i didnt get on too well with it....
When i was pregnaant he seemed more than happy to have a vasectomy and now hes changed his mind....ive hadall the children and pumped my body full of hormones since i was 16 i dont want to do that anymore i think if he hadthe snip we could carry on as normal but now im resenting him as ive now had to go through a flaming miscarraige and a pregnancy i didnt want to start with.....
plese be hnest am i being unreasonable?should i just get sterlilised myself??

[KMonte85]

I think your partner is being unfair in that he won't even discuss the issue with you, and he keeps wavering back and forth between getting a vasectomy and then not. I understand that it is a scary procedure, but for you to get sterilized is scary too... you two need to talk about this if you don't want to have any more pregnancy scares. You should also consult a doctor about your options, the differences, the costs associated, etc (probably best to consult specialist and NOT your current Dr, since he doesn't seem to be open to your wants regarding family planning).

In my opinion, if your partner absolutely refuses and won't even talk about it with you, then you need to do what you need to do to prevent pregnancy. Particularly, if the thought of a 5th child or another miscarriage is worse than the thought of sterilization.

[DreamP346]

I was in a similar situation. My daugther was an unplanned pregnancy that I didn't want, but I went through with the pregnancy because I knew my husband wanted the baby (he didn't pressure me). At that point I refused to have sex with him until he got snipped since he never took any responsibility for contraception. After a year, I was too horny and just gave in. We had another unplanned pregnancy and I ended up getting an abortion. At that point I realized that if I wanted anything in life, I had to get it myself. Sex is more important to me than it is to my husband. I also had this realization that he didn't love me as much as I loved him as he couldn't do this small thing when I was willing to have a child for his happiness. The fact is somebody always gives more in a relationship. Somebody always loves more and is more willing to make the sacrifices. I finally ended up getting my tubes tied because I couldn't wait for a man to do something he found unpleasant for my well being. I had to take control of my own life.

Yes, the fair thing is for him to get a vasectomy. But life isn't fair and you need to take control of your life.

[Cyndie32]

i was in your shoes mother of four. my husband refused to get a vasectomy. he had 4 children from a previous marriage, i had one child from a previous marriage and we had one child together. i was done. i did not want anymore. financially we were strapped. my doctor as well refuse to tie my tubes cause i was only 20 and only had two kids of my own. i tried to explain that together we had six but it didn't matter. i stayed on bc pills for 5 more years and birth control was making me feel horrible. i as well had been taking it since i was 16. my husband and i had a long conversation, in fact more than one, about him getting it taken care of. that went on for a year and he still refused. so i sat him down and told him.... get this procedure done for us and i will, shave your privates for you and after the procedure i will give you oral sex, till all the old semen is gone. i thought for sure that last one would sell him but he still refused. so i cut him off. i told him that i refuse to take bc any longer and i was not going to get pregnant again so until he took care of the problem there would be no more sex of any kind, including oral. he told me that i would give in. well guess what, i didn't. it took him 7 weeks with no sex to realize i was serious. i didn't help the plight either. i wore shorty shorts and sexy niteys to tease. well he finally agreed and i kept to my side of the deal as well. so i guess my point is, he does have the right to say no..... but so do you....

[danceintx]

I do believe he is being selfish. And I agree, you have jacked your body up with hormones, had 4 babies, which also jacks your body up, done all of that and he can't even do a small out patient procedure, be sore for about 2 days, so you don't have to go through more?? Sometimes men are kind of Neanderthal about getting neutered and feel like it somehow reduces their manhood in some way. Maybe if he fully understood what the vasectomy entailed he would change his mind. Their are less side effects for him to get snipped then for you to do it, but if you have to then I say you have to.