Is Childfree Right For Me?

[Ashlee T.]

Are you conflicted with the decision of whether being childfree is right for you? Or, you already know deep inside but are struggling with guilt or pressure?

This forum discussion and the women talking about this topic, are here to help you figure it all out and reconcile whatever decision is right for you.

To help lay the foundation for this discussion, Dr. Christie Hartman (who sits on our medical review board) wrote an article about her choice to remain childfree, her decisions for doing so, along with ways you can weigh the pros and cons for yourself.

You can read the entire article here:

https://www.womens-health.com/childfree-by-choice

There’s probably nothing as stressful or that has as deep an impact as the “forever” choice of whether or not you want to have a baby.

So, if you’ve ever questioned whether you should have children or not, are struggling with this dilemma right now, or maybe you’ve already decided that being childfree is the right decision for you, lend your voice to the discussion.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I will tell you, Ashlee T. that I would love to have children. But I have not met the right man yet. However, there is still time. I am 38 years old but am aware of the ticking clock. I'd really love two daughters. Although, of course, no one gets to choose. Still, I am hopeful of meeting a man I'm attracted to. I just have to continue to go out into the world and go for it.

A close friend of mine has had her son two years ago. She is around the same age. I don't think she'll have more children, though: which is a long story.

Kids are wonderful, and I know are hard work, but they are worth every moment. I definitely will carry on going out into the world to find that special man.

[jns]

PandC, as women get older, their eggs become less viable and have more defects. Have you considered freezing some of your eggs in case it takes a few years to find a guy you like or if you decide to become a single parent.

[Ashlee T.]

Popcorn&Candy - That's a great attitude to have. I have seen so many women who are on a quest to have children by a certain age and so many of them settle into a relationship that is less than stellar just so they can achieve that goal! I, too, have always had the viewpoint that if it happens in time, great....but if it doesn't, adoption or egg freezing as jns mentioned is an option!

[KMR719]

This is such an important topic for women to open up about. I made the decision to be child-free. Being a mother is not something that I ever dreamed about or felt was the right path for me. Knowing that, I thought I could make the decision without guilt or shame, but that hasn't been the case. It's been an ongoing battle against self-doubt and wondering if everyone else is right that I'll "change my mind". Women need to be willing to discuss this and support one another.

[Ashlee T.]

KMR719 - Welcome to WHI! You are so right. Discussion's like these start with women, like yourself, who are brave enough to speak about their own experiences. So thank you for that!

It sounds like your experience has been much like our writer, Christie's, in that you have just always had a feeling that having children wasn't right for you. Even with that deep knowing, I think it is still almost impossible to not have some times of self-doubt.

While I have not personally decided to be childfree - I just haven't had children yet, I might...I might not... I can definitely relate to the feeling of, "what if I don't have kids and regret it when it's too late?" But, I always tell myself that so many children need homes and I would love to give a child in need a loving home. One thing I loved about Christie's article is that she points out that there are many ways to mother, aside from giving birth. And there is an important and much-needed place in this world for all of us.

I also think that where you live plays a big factor in how acceptable the childfree choice is. Do you think your self-doubt has been spurred on mostly from your own internal dialogue, or from the even subtle pressures of others?

Thank you for sharing with us!

[Popcorn&Candy]

I'm happy for you, amy40. It is wonderful you've done so much with your life. Children should always be a blessing, as yours is.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I do love kids. They can be hard to raise but must be worth every moment. And to see them grow into happy and healthy adults is the goal.

A brilliant thread!

[Lucille]

I'm so glad we live in a time where it's now more socially acceptable if a woman doesn't want to have children.

[Maximus]

Definitely a very important decision.
Whatever that decision still remains to live with it...Sometimes it's not a decision, but rather a sequence of events.
Which ever embracing is the most harmonious path.

I have come across women for which I felt sorry for their children, reversely I have met amazing women who wanted to have children, but it didn't happen...somewhat a life's lottery.

[Wednesday L.F.]

I’d love to hear more from you folks on this topic. I’m child free and just turned 50, though that was not my original plan. How are other child free oldsters feeling about their child free status? I do enjoy afternoon naps and watching R-rated movies. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was sad about it too.

[atskitty2]

I'll be 49 this year, and never had kids. I found other ways to satisfy my maternal tendencies, and right now, I'm pretty happy that I don't have kids to be responsible for. From time to time, I wonder about my senior years, and what that will look like with no children, but, I suppose I'll navigate that time as well as I've navigated the rest of my life childless.

[Vanessa R.]

I'm happy this thread is part of the forums! I knew from the age of 15 that I wanted to be child-free and just turning 38 I feel even more strongly in my decision.

While I will say that it is more common now to run into other women who have also made this choice, I don't particularly feel it is as socially acceptable as we like to think it is...at least in my experience with the peanut galleries of society. Whenever I'm asked the dreaded question, "Do you want kids?" or "When are you going to have kids?" and I tell them I choose to be child-free, the first question is always, "WHY???" Followed by a lecture on how it's just a phase and I'll eventually change my mind.

It drives me insane and honestly I think it's rude to ask a person why. If you flip the script, how would women feel if after sharing that they want kids, the other person in the convo asks why and proceeds to barrage them with personal questions?

I try not to get defensive but it is difficult feeling I have to explain myself to people who act like they somehow deserve to know or require justification. I had one chick I literally just met through a friend jump all into my business, essentially telling me how I should feel. I've never wanted to punch someone in the throat more than I did that day, haha.

These days I don't explain anymore and try not to be rude about my responses but I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle sometimes to understand why it's so hard for people to just accept my decision and keep the conversation moving. That's all I want: for someone to say, "Oh, that's awesome, good for you. So where do you wanna eat?"

I'm actually looking into getting endometrial ablation (it burns away your uterine lining) soon. That, combined with the IUD I already have in place, will pretty much make it extremely difficult for me to get pregnant. I've wanted to get my tubes tied since I was 18 but my primary doesn't want me to risk having unnecessary surgery since I am (thank God) perfectly healthy. So it's a different alternative that doesn't require a lot of recovery and I can go about my day.

I respect women who know they want to be mothers...heck, I'm the "fun auntie" in my friends circle and I work with young people as a mentor and coach so I do enjoy kids...just not as a mother. I really appreciate this thread existing because I do feel safe in discussing my feelings on this subject knowing I'm not going to be judged unfairly or have people jumping down my throat because I don't want to do what everyone else is doing.

[atskitty2]

Vanessa R. I'm with ya. I had a sense very early that I wouldn't have kids, but I did go through a brief time in my 20's when I thought I'd want to, quite strongly in fact. That phase passed pretty quickly, though, and I've never been pregnant. I wouldn't have been disappointed if it would have happened, but I wasn't hoping for it. I was told when I was 19 or in my early twenties (I don't remember when exactly) that I'd likely never conceive anyway.

I, for one, am very happy that the tide is changing for this cultural "norm". I agree with you that breeding seems to be something that everyone thinks is their business, all the way up to touching women's pregnant bellies without permission, and harshly judging their decisions to breastfeed and whether they do it publicly.

I think men are also feeling much more freedom to "just say no" to kids.

[Vanessa R.]

atskitty2 thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your response and as always, it's nice to see others who are in the same boat and can actually speak from experience based on their perspective.

Just curious, how do you (and anyone else on this thread who qualifies) answer when people ask you why you don't want to have kids? It's taken me some time to kind of figure out a spiel but essentially, I keep it simple and tell them I don't think the pros outweigh the cons and that I want to live my life for me and not anyone else. These days I'm a bit blunt about it so they get the hint that it's not a response that's open to follow up questions, haha.

But I would love to hear how other women in the same situation respond.