[Counterfeittruth]

I went for my first pap test last year and, even thought I wasn't expecting it to be wonderful, I'm terrified to go back.

I told the doctor I was virgin and blah blah. all that stuff. So she put a speculum in not quite as gentle (Do they lube those things, by the way?) after giving up on trying to shove the large sucker up there, she went to a small size. Which still hurt, but it finally worked. Overall it wasn't bad, but felt unecessarily painful... Anyways, what bothered me with it all was at the end. She asked me when I had sex. I said never. She asked me again, I told her I hadn't had sex. Like was lying - which I understand they must get, but my god. The way she treated me was like I was a moron or something. I have never had sex before, that much I can say. She told me I wasn't a virgin, so I was kinda shocked. I asked if masturbation could do it? Told her that it could've came from that, but I couldn't remember ( and I really can't as I'm on anti-depressants which makes my sex drive close to nothing.) I know that I've masturbated before, but not sure to which extent. She said yes, and proceeded to tell me I could've been a child who was curious too. Which was weird, but not shocking. So I said okay... If she had all these answers, one I even brought up myself, why was she not believing me? She then explained that people can have sex many different ways - duh. She was talking about penetration. I get it. You stick something up there - anything - and you're not a virgin essentially. I just felt like I was treated like an idiot with no respect.

So, questions. How do they tell if someone is a virgin? DO they actually lube those bad boys? And can not being a virgin be a problem even if you didn't have sex? If not, why was she so persistent?

Help. I know these things are important, but I don't want to go back and feel ridiculed.

[augurey]

I think the biggest concern here is not about whether or not you are a virgin/how you can tell if someone is a virgin.

If I had been in your position, I would have been very upset with my doctor and would not have gone back. From what you wrote, she was way out of line.

Asking if you're sexually active is pretty standard for these appointments, but I've never heard of a doctor doing this.

I just feel it was so incredibly wrong of your doctor to have done that. Is there any way you could go to a new doctor? I assure you not all doctors are like that, nor should there be. Gynecological appointments can be very nerve wracking -- and as they are very important, I really hope you do find another one, and one more in particular that is professional and is sensitive to the nature of the type of appointment/medical field.

So I'm begging that you do, if you are able to, find another doctor as, like you said, these things are important.

And more to answer your question--

If I'm not mistaken, virginity and/or loss of is typically defined as penetration --> penis into vagina. The typical technical definition. However, whether you are or are not a virgin is a personal thing. Some people do not have intercourse however but have engaged in other sexual acts and do not consider themselves a virgin. I don't think it's possible for a doctor (or anyone else for that matter) to look at you and tell you whether or not you are a virgin. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't think there is a way. There is no reason your doctor should have been persistent. I think that was just bad practice.

As for lubing the speculum... I honestly don't know. They may, but I think it's more about the right speculum size. If you do go to another doctor, explain to him/her about your last experience. Explain your concerns about getting another pap test, about pain of the previous one (and why), etc. A good doctor will do their best to make it as easy on you as possible. I had my first the other day, and I told her upfront that I was terrified of having a pap done (fear of pain) which is why I had put it off for so long. She eased my worries and talked me through it, and it was just fine.

Sorry that this was a novel, but I hope you were able to get something good out of it, and hopefully you'll get a new doctor and have a better experience during your next appointment.

[Counterfeittruth]

Thank you so much. I really mean it. I didn't want to be over reacting, but I just felt so offended. She rambled on about all sorts of ways to "not be a virgin," but she wouldn't believe me that I didn't have actual sex, nor any contact of that kind in any way. The city I am living in has no family doctors availble, but I'm trying to look into a clinic instead because I DO want to be tested, but not insulted. I don't even go to her to fill out my anxiety prescriptions because I feel embarassed to even see her - like she's judging me.

She's an East Indian lady who was born in India and just came to Canada from Africa not too long ago. So I don't know if things were different over there - stricter ways than what we have here? I don't know. Either way I thought it was unprofessional and, from what I've heard from others' feedbacks, it was... It's just something I can't really talk to my mom about... to avoid the awkward feeling haha.

But seriously, thank you. I was with my dad when she was filling out a form for us as well - checking out our health history. She asked if he drank and he said "socially." And she said "Do you mean VERY socially?" Like... Ugh. I don't know. It's just rude. I don't know. As I was leaving she told me that we're supposed to be like friends and that I can tell her anything so left by saying "I DID." It's just so frustrating - I have no reason to lie to people over the internet. If I WERE to have sex I'd TELL her, even if I didn't tell my parents, because I know how important it is for my HEALTH. I tried to tell her that too and she didn't believe me. As I said, despite there being many ways to "not be a virgin," apparently I still must've had actual sex...

I'm sorry for the rant, but it's been with me for a year now. Thank you so much. I mean it.

[Counterfeittruth]

Just some stuff from some websites I found:
"It’s impossible for a doctor to examine a girl and tell if she is a virgin. If she still as an intact hymen, then she probably has not had vaginal intercourse. But, if she has no hymen, there could be many reasons for this, and only her word is the definitive answer."

"So, no doc who has had any kind of education on the female anatomy over the last couple of decades is going to look to the state of the hymen to tell them anything about a woman's sexual activity, not only because the hymen erodes in other ways over time..."

Should I tell my mom the TRUTH on why I want a real doctor or not? (Please understand that being all "MUM! I'm not a virgin! Doctor said so!" even though she is wrong, is hard to do...)

[augurey]

Honestly, the doctor you go to, you should be able to open up and be 100% honest without the fear of judgment. It's not their place to judge. Their job is to treat. The doctor you went to, it sounds like she does not have any business being in the medical field as she sounds very unprofessional. I cannot believe she even made that comment about your dad's social drinking. That absolutely is not up for discussion.

I really think you should really talk to your mom about this. I'm not sure how old you are or what your relationship is like with your mother, but I think it's very important that you bring this up with her. You don't have to go into details if you are not comfortable, but explain to her that the doctor you went to made you feel very uncomfortable, and you feel very uncomfortable going back to see here. You don't necessarily have to bring up the virginity issue. Going to see a gynecologist doesn't mean you're sexually active. It's important for all women, and regular testing is important. Is there anyone else in your family you might be more comfortable talking to that would be of help? Or perhaps that would assist you or give you suggestions on how to approach your mom or even talk to you mom with you?