[MGL]

Hi everyone, i'm not sure if anyone will read this or if i've posted this in the right forum, but hopefully someone might read this who understands. It's a long story but for anyone who reads this i'll try to make it as short as possible!
First off, i'm 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just under 5 years. The problems started about 3-4 years ago. When we would have sex, i would be in agony afterwards and plucked up the courage to see my doctors. I was told, simple as, to use more lubrication and have more foreplay. Did as was told and nothing changed and i would get to the point where i would cry (obviously hide this from my partner) and went back repeatedly until one doctor reffered me to the Gynecology department.
I can say that this is the worst experience with a doctor i have ever had. He made me feel so degraded and like my problem was nothing, shrugged me off and told me i had herpes!!!!!!! I was left on the table after my examination, humiliated and the nurse had to talk to me (she was lovely).
So that was a knock of confidence and my own doctor later told me she had never in my examinations seen any signs of this. Needless to say my partner thankfully trusts me. After all of this i somehow linked sex to these awful, painful experiences. I got to the point where i slowly became less interested in sex, then foreplay, then any sort of contact.
I can say this when it's not face to face with someone, but over time i have felt like a freak. I was scared to go to bed, incase my partner wanted anything sexual, and became increasingly distant. I would try to explain that i wanted to WANT sex, but couldnt possibly do it and would end up in tears at the though of it.
Desperate i went back to my GP and saw another woman doctor, who was lovely. She took more tests (as usual it came back CLEAR) and referred me to a Cognetive Behavioural Therapist. This helped me and my partner to talk to each other, however my fear became no better and he told me i had developed a phobia of sex. In the end this therapist was forced to retire becuase of medical problems and i was discharged. Again feeling like i had been shrugged off.
I talked to my boyfriend and we decided to give it a try. Nothing changed and i cannot stress how alone you feel when no one understands your problem. I felt (and still do) feel like a complete and utter alien in my body. Desperate again my boyfriend came with me to the doctors, and told him he was fed up of being shrugged off. Luckily, this was with the doctor who specialises in mental health and i am now seing a specific sex therapist for Psychosexual therapy.

I understand this is a LONG story, but i am desperate to know if there is ANYONE who has the same fears and anxiety as me. I have been told by my new therapist (who is fantastic, we have only seen her twice) to stop punishing myself but i cant help feeling alien.
Oh, and she finally gave me an answer, i had vaginismus which i TOLD my doctor i thought i had, but then again being young and immature who would listen?

From this, i beg anyone with a fear of sex or vaginismus to repy. I'm only 20, but this has been the most horrible things i have experienced, feeling like you have to minds one who is petrified of sex and one who says to shut up and get along with it.
I have been told i'm not the only one, but i've never heard it straight from someone else.

Apologies for the long story, but it's something i can't talk about to anyone apart from my partner (who is fantastic) and therapist.

Thanks a lot.

[chaya]

Your not the only one that's afraid to have sex. For the first year of my marriage, I was a sex machine. I loved it and wanted it every day or more. Then something happened and I lost my mojo, my sex drive was flatline/zero. When I'm not aroused, sex with my overly endowed husband is painful. He loves to go in deep and I'm not built for that. It wasn't so bad when i was aroused, some pain with a lot of pleasure was good.

Since I lost my mojo, I go to great lengths not to get him aroused, I won't sit next to him on the couch, I won't let him see me undressed or wear sexy clothes. I won't go to bed when he does, I use my school homework as an excuse to say I'll be in later. Sometimes i won't even talk to him for fear I'll say something to get him aroused. My issues are not resolved but have eased. I find that I can get aroused with extra long foreplay. The trouble with that is, that it don't always work, after an hour of hugging/kissing and petting and I don't get aroused, he does and I have to endure sex anyway. Telling him to stop because it hurts too much is a big turn-off for him, then i feel guilty for not being able to satisfy him. So I usually just bite my lip and pretend to enjoy it.

My problem is not vaginismus, I have some of the symptoms but don't have the muscle tightness. I have no problem with entry if there is adequate lube. It is his length that I can't take. He tries to not to hurt me but nearing climax he looses control.

[Tribaby]

MGL, I have lived with that for over 20 years. You are not alone. You are normal, and healthy, with a very real condition that can be treated. I went to MD after MD, being poked and prodded, psycho-analyzed, and put-off. I know exactly what you are feeling. Don't despair. I have found a specialized physical therapist, called a "pelvic floor" therapist. She specializes in this type of therapy...and IT WORKS!!! I still have a lot of fear, so my wonderful husband is patient...but we find other ways for him for now. You can do an online search in your area for a pelvic floor therapist. You won't be sorry. I still have a long way to go in the psychological fear area, but for the first time in years, I'm not afraid to let my husband touch me. You're young, don't give up. I'm in my 40's....it took me a very loooooong time, and many, many nights of tears and self-deprecation before I found this kind of help. Dr Joyce Penner (again, try an online search) has treated many women with this condition and you can find her books at book stores. My husband, like your partner, has been wonderful. But, he can't fully understand. Bless his heart for waiting. If you found a man like that, try keep! Blessings on you.

[MGL]

Chaya: Thankyou for writing back, i'm sorry to hear you've had problems aswell. The feeling of endurance rather than enjoying sex isn't a nice experience as everyone would hope it would be. Have you managed to speak to your husband at all? Hopefully it may help with the feelings of guilt if he understands. I can understand how it feels when your partner becomes aroused and you feel guilt for it and endure to not upset them.

Tribaby: Aswell thankyou for writing back, it's much appreciated. I'm glad to know that things are better for you and your husband and to know that someone has had therapy and feels better for it. I'm currently seeing a psychosexual therapist, although I have only seen her twice so far she is lovely, and i do have some pevlic floor exercises to do.
I dont know if they are similar to the one's you have practiced, but i'm supposed to tighten the pelvic floor muscle, and then spend more time releasing it. I think it's to gain the connection that i can control it? I also have some breathing exercises to do. I'm so glad you're husband has been patient, you are lucky to have such a strong relationship and again am thankful that i have had my partner who has been a blessing to me in all of this. I will definately look into those books! I can see this is going to be a long journey, and hope you may have found a way to treat the psychological part when you're ready.

Thank you both again for reading my LONG story, your replies and kindness really are appreciated.

[Peacheskreme]

Ok, here goes. So I was in a sex therapists office talking about sex and the if the vagina can actually close? She stopped everything and looked at me wit those deep eyes and said "Yes, why has that happened to you?" So I told her a story about how my husband and I were having a really rough time, and I had stopped drinking and was on month 2 or so. I currently drink but at the time I wanted to see what It would be like sober. So during that time I was really sensitive to my husband. I was used to having a drink or two when we got frisky. Then I remember the burning feeling and all the pain. I thought it was from the birth control I had been on for years so I stopped taking that and It was a good decision and eventually it just went away when things got a little less stressed. But here's my input from the sex therapist. She said something like this: Have your partner put his finger over your labia for a few seconds at a time and stop. Its like calming down the muscles and letting you and your partner connect ..kinda like asking permission to be in that area per your vagina. hehe. I really wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. Ok so after doing that for a few minutes then have him try a finger. She says the walls of the labia will expand when they want to but its all about waiting. Then no more ouchies. There is nothing wrong with you. Try it and let me know if it works. since I don't have that problem anymore I can't try it myself.

[HMK]

Hi everyone, i'm not sure if anyone will read this or if i've posted this in the right forum, but hopefully someone might read this who understands. It's a long story but for anyone who reads this i'll try to make it as short as possible!
First off, i'm 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just under 5 years. The problems started about 3-4 years ago. When we would have sex, i would be in agony afterwards and plucked up the courage to see my doctors. I was told, simple as, to use more lubrication and have more foreplay. Did as was told and nothing changed and i would get to the point where i would cry (obviously hide this from my partner) and went back repeatedly until one doctor reffered me to the Gynecology department.
I can say that this is the worst experience with a doctor i have ever had. He made me feel so degraded and like my problem was nothing, shrugged me off and told me i had herpes!!!!!!! I was left on the table after my examination, humiliated and the nurse had to talk to me (she was lovely).
So that was a knock of confidence and my own doctor later told me she had never in my examinations seen any signs of this. Needless to say my partner thankfully trusts me. After all of this i somehow linked sex to these awful, painful experiences. I got to the point where i slowly became less interested in sex, then foreplay, then any sort of contact.
I can say this when it's not face to face with someone, but over time i have felt like a freak. I was scared to go to bed, incase my partner wanted anything sexual, and became increasingly distant. I would try to explain that i wanted to WANT sex, but couldnt possibly do it and would end up in tears at the though of it.
Desperate i went back to my GP and saw another woman doctor, who was lovely. She took more tests (as usual it came back CLEAR) and referred me to a Cognetive Behavioural Therapist. This helped me and my partner to talk to each other, however my fear became no better and he told me i had developed a phobia of sex. In the end this therapist was forced to retire becuase of medical problems and i was discharged. Again feeling like i had been shrugged off.
I talked to my boyfriend and we decided to give it a try. Nothing changed and i cannot stress how alone you feel when no one understands your problem. I felt (and still do) feel like a complete and utter alien in my body. Desperate again my boyfriend came with me to the doctors, and told him he was fed up of being shrugged off. Luckily, this was with the doctor who specialises in mental health and i am now seing a specific sex therapist for Psychosexual therapy.

I understand this is a LONG story, but i am desperate to know if there is ANYONE who has the same fears and anxiety as me. I have been told by my new therapist (who is fantastic, we have only seen her twice) to stop punishing myself but i cant help feeling alien.
Oh, and she finally gave me an answer, i had vaginismus which i TOLD my doctor i thought i had, but then again being young and immature who would listen?

From this, i beg anyone with a fear of sex or vaginismus to repy. I'm only 20, but this has been the most horrible things i have experienced, feeling like you have to minds one who is petrified of sex and one who says to shut up and get along with it.
I have been told i'm not the only one, but i've never heard it straight from someone else.

Apologies for the long story, but it's something i can't talk about to anyone apart from my partner (who is fantastic) and therapist.

Thanks a lot.

my goodness my experience with vaginismus and fear of sex is almost identical.
I have been with my boyfriend for just under 5 years also and we have never been able to have sex, nor have I ever been able to have a pap smear, use tampons etc.
I went to a gynecologist who cheerfully put her finger in my vagina, hit a strong wall of tight muscles and said "yeah you've got vaginismus, great word isn't it?"
I then saw a sex counsellor, got the dialators, read books, watched graphic videos about it etc trying to find a solution. Then I developed really bad ocd and anxiety and spent about 12 months recovering so sex and vaginismus was put on hold for a while. Gradually I became more and more scared if intimacy and began to give up on the whole thing. . Sick of letting my boyfriend down and sick of yearning for a level of intimacy that feels unreachable.
I have recently begun working through my fear with my psychologist and my boyfriend has been amazingly patient and kind. I plan to begin using the dialators and be brave but even just typing this I'm feeling anxious and frightened.
How have you progressed over the last 10 months?

[Falana]

MGL, has it always been that way? From what you wrote it's not entirely clear.
Anyways, for a ling time I thought I had vaginismus, exams at the OBgyn were beyond painful and I was usually simply told to relax and stop making such a fuss. That lead me to eventually not going anymore. I only went to find a new doctor when I met my husband. We had tried for a while, but no matter how cautious he was, the pain never went away. I was in therapy, but it didn't help. That was very, very frustrating for me and my husband.
Then I found a doctor who was very gentle and took me seriously - for the first time ever. And it was her who found out that I had a vaginal stenosis. There was too much tissue, like a ring, and she could barely get to the cervix without causing excruciating pain.
I then had surgery for this, and the problem was resolved for me.

I know real vaginismus is caused by a mental problem mostly, I just thought I'd share that story in case it has always been that way for you, and I know how difficult it seems to diagnose if the doctor doesn't take you seriously.

[MGL]

Two years on!

To all who replied to my post and to those who are reading this thread,

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who replied, who offered advice and reassurance. No doubt you all helped me see that I wasn't alone in dealing with this problem. I am writing this two years on and I haven't looked at this post since I last replied, and reading this today I can't believe (as silly as it sounds) that it was me who wrote that post. When me, my partner and my therapist talk about my progress I feel so far from the person I was two years ago.
If someone told me back then that I could get better (which they did), it seemed too unrealistic I was almost daydreaming. But now, FINALLY, I am almost there! It has been one of the most difficult roads I have ever had to take, and throughout my on-going therapy how much deeper my problem was. I had no confidence, in myself or as a woman, I had extreme anxiety and phobic responses toward anything on the subject of sex. My therapist has been an absolute god send to me and my partner. She has been patient, understanding and knowledgeable about my condition, and has helped me to understand my fears, how they have been caused and the physiological problems this has created. For the first time I didn't feel like I was going crazy, that someone DID know what was happening.
My theray is still on-going, and our progress has been slightly slowed by me moving away for university, but I am still working just as hard o this while I am away (and of course me and my partner are much more 'excited' (if you know what I mean) to see each other after these breaks). I have gone from someone who was scared of going to bed to face my fear on anything sexual, to now being able to kiss, cuddle and give to my partner. It has taken me longer to have him touch me, and this is still on-going as we speak though we are making progress! We have also been able to attempt penetration once, which is great progress!

Anyway I understand I may be rambling. I just hope somebody out there is reading this. Whether it is so they understand I was grateful for their advice, or so another person like myself can see that they are not alone, and it really is possible to get better.
No doubt it has been one of the most difficult things I (and my partner) have ever had to go through, but although I still have a few more steps to go, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am now more than ever determined to catch it.

If anyone would like to talk, about my problems or their own please do. I will try to make more of an effort to check my page.


P.s. If anyone is interested, I have a few books I was recommended by my therapist which I would definately further recommend as they have helped me:
- Mindfulness for Dummies (Shamash Alidina)
- Control Stress (Paul McKenna)
- Hot Sex (Tracey Cox) : I'll say a fantastic book which covers the basics, sexual tips, sexual health etc. without tip-toeing around the subject!