[rosegarden]

Hello ladies,

I need to vent, and appreciate all those willing to listen.
So earlier today, my mom decided it was finally time (apparently late compared to many other young women I know) at age 21, to visit the Gynecologist.

I was reluctant, worried, and nervous -but shoved feelings aside and told my mom that I'd be fine after she dropped me off at the office building and sped off for a close parking spot. (You have to love December in the Midwest.) So I entered the OBGYN Clinic and filled out some paperwork, and before I knew it, was taken into the doctor's room and asked a few questions about myself and family health history before being weighed -simple enough. But as the young nurse left the room and a young doctor (30's-40's) took her place, I was asked to slip out of my clothes and into a gown, and to let her know when I was ready.

I made it apparent that it was my first time, and that I was also not sexually active (nor have I ever been).

She understood and asked me to raise my legs and place my feet in the stirrups. As she swung a small but bright light towards my legs, I almost didn't notice that my knees were touching, whilst my feet balanced in the stirrups (as if I was being defensive) until she asked me to move them outward.

Although the exam went rather quickly, and despite the fact that I felt informed as she was doing her job, from the "duck lips" instrument to the lube and finger check, I was slowly starting to lose it. My doctor reminded me more than once to shift my butt closer to the end of the table, and more than once to keep it pressed there. As the task proceeded, she would ask if it hurt -I wouldn't say it hurt, but I defenitely felt a Pinch and what she described accurately as 'pressure'. Meanwhile, all my mind could think as I stared into the twin ceiling lights was 'this stranger is touching me and I Feel invaded. stop.' -needlesstosay, moments before the procedure was concluded, I was fighting back chokes of air and by the time I was half way into sitting position, I was crying uncontrollably.

She looked at me, almost stunned and immediately asked why I was crying. I know she meant well, and that this Is her Job. "Did I hurt you? Why are you crying? You can tell me...." She leaned back into the table behind her, and as I shook my head (I honestly was unable to speak through sobbing -this happens every time I cry...I need a few minutes at least before I can even begin to explain why (big or little)) she turned to the swab now dipped in a fluid container, and briefly explained how it was to be tested and when I should expect the results. Before she left, she asked if there was anything she could get me -water, soda pop, my mother...(that last one wasn't really included) but as I shook my head and muttered a "no." she told me I could get dressed and go, and left the room.

I couldn't get my clothes back on faster if I tried. But as I walked out of the room and into the waiting room to see my mom sitting with a Lifestyle magazine in her hands, she knew I had been crying. (I was still fighting with 'hiccupy air' in my lungs while I tried to hide my puffy and distraught face.) Everyone in the waiting room was looking at me, including the receptionists who I could bet were shooting glances down the hall at the doctor who was assigned to 'view' me. I couldn't explain to my mother how I had felt about the whole thing until afterwards -not once we exited the building, not after we entered the car and blasted the heat, not even after we got on the freeway. I was that choked up after the whole thing...even though my Doctor seemed to mean well. What is wrong with me???

(my mother also told me in the elevator that things like this get better...easier, at least. But what happened in there was all mental, and I honestly just felt like This Cannot Be Happening, Please Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. and then I just burst into tears. I have never been abused or anything like that. This was just the first time anyone but myself has been down where the sun don't shine -and professionalism aside, I felt very much exposed and unable to defend myself. I really do know that these appointments are very crucial and unavoidable...yet some part of me doesn't see this type of reaction changing any time soon.

Please tell me I'm not alone here, or crazy for what seems like a somewhat irraegular reaction.

[Euphoric]

Rosegarden,

Rest assured there is nothing wrong with you, nor are you crazy. Pap exams are a necessary evil that women have to endure and sometimes doctors lack humanity skills. Performing the exams are second nature to them because they do it day in and day out, but for a new patient who has never been active, your doctor should have taken time to explain exactly what was going to take place. A doctor’s bedside manner can make all the difference in the world as to a patient’s experience. I’m sure a little care and reassurance would have gone a long way in your situation.

Obviously you were uncomfortable with the exam and the doctor, though I think even with the most compassionate Gyn. it’s never a “pleasant” experience. But a good doctor will put you at ease and make the exam seem less invasive. It may pay for you to do some research and, if you’re not extremely shy, ask some friends for a reference.

My first experience with a gyn was before I was active and before the Internet age. My doctor was a handsome young male, to boot, LOL. I can say that while I was uneasy about what was taking place, he took the pressure off by talking to me about arbitrary things. And he is still my doctor, two surgeries and two babies, and a few issues along the way, 20+ years later. When I go in now we talk about our kids, how his wife is doing, how my husband is doing, etc. The exam is done well before we are finished catching up. Our relationship, while professional, also borders a friendship because I trust him and he respects privacy issues.

Keep in mind, the first exam is always the hardest because of a lack of experience and knowing what to expect. Don’t let one doctor’s lack of humanity discourage future appointments. I know, easier said than done. But there are some really good practitioners out there.

Euphoric

[jns]

rosegarden, your description was quite good and I got a feeling of what you went through. Having your doctor explain every small step would have helped, but probably wouldn't have stopped the emotions. It will get better. Don't let it put you off of seeing after your health on a regular basis.

In some ways I think male gyns can be better at dealing with uncomfortableness because they go into every situation expecting it, whereas a female gyn may not. I have a female Asian physician and it took a bit of getting used to even though I am generally not shy. A big advantage for me is her small fingers when I need a prostrate exam. I signed up with her so that my wife and I have the same physician. My wife is definitely more comfortable with an Asian female even though they have to communicate in English.