[ThisOneThought]

How should I go about breaking the news to this guy I am talking to that I have herpes?
We had sex once, we used protection. I just don't want to have sex again before telling him.
It was wrong for me to have sex in the first place because now he will think I am dishonest. I am
Just nervous/scared/ashamed...I'm thinking talking over the phone instead of texting or face to face.

[Nola65]

Invite him over for dinner and break the news. If he decides that he does not want to be in a physical relationship with you, you still may be able to keep him as a good friend.

This is something that i think would help your situation.
[edit link - FAQ rules God Bless !!!

[atskitty2]

Do you know that herpes can potentially be spread even with a condom? It is skin to skin contact, not bodily fluid which spreads this virus, according to my medical doc's opinion and my own research. I choose to err on the side of caution and believe it can be passed even w condoms. With condoms, even possibly part of the shaft and probably his balls touch your vulva/vaginal opening.
Herpes is common, and most don't know they even have it.

I have herpes, I'm dating and I struggle with this too.
I have no idea who I got it from, I was a safe girl while single, never slept around, and no lesions were ever obvious on any partners, on their mouth or genitals

I'm lucky, I have a quiet virus. I've had only 2 outbreaks over the 6 yrs since diagnosis. Totally tolerable compared to some other possibilities.

So I guess to answer your question, I would start with a huge apology because he may feel that you took a liberty with his health that was a violation of his trust and put him at risk-which it was. Tell him that there's something he has a right to know, and explain yourself.
This is a face to face discussion Hon...

Be prepared for him to become angry. Do you hope to continue this relationship? It isn't life threatening but it is incurable. He may need some time to absorb this information and decide what he thinks.

In my life, I feel it is irresponsible to expose people without telling them first. I feel it's their choice to take that chance, not mine to force it upon them.
Do some more research, talk to your doc and decide what course you want to take in future relationship if this one doesn't move forward.
Good luck dear.

[ThisOneThought]

Okay, so an update. I called him four days ago and told him over the phone while I was driving home one day. I tried to build up the courage to wait to see him face to face, but I just couldn't. I felt bad for not telling him before we had sex the first time. Call me weak and pathetic, but I was just ashamed of myself. It took everything I had to call him on the phone and admit something I have been holding in for so long. I almost had a panic attack while talking to him and almost had to pull my car over. My hard was beating so hard and fast, I was having trouble breathing.

But I did it.

At first, he didn't seem upset. He seemed worried. I tried to answer all of his questions to the best of my knowledge and encouraged him to call me back if he had any other questions. I apologized to him like a million times. I tried my best to play the situation down so he wouldn't freak out or be mad at me, but I kept an open mind and prepared myself for him to be angry.

I called off the date that we had planned for that night and told him I would give him time to think about it. The next day I sent him a text to ask him what his thoughts were and how he was feeling. He said now he was angry and that it was unfair of me to put him in the position that I did. And it was unfair. And again, I apologized a million times. We talked a bit more but eventually the conversation ended and he hasn't texted me back yet. It's been about two, almost three days since we last spoke.

At first, I was quite upset, but now I am coming to the realization that he probably wants nothing more to do with me. And that's okay. I left that decision up to him. And to be quite honest and up front I think I am also too ashamed and scared to even face him again, so since we last spoke I have kind of gotten over that realization and am ready to move on. Even if he were to text me and say he is willing to forgive me and continue with dating me, I almost feel like I am too embarrassed and ashamed to continue it.

I don't really have any questions on like what should I do now, it's more like an epiphany. I think that since this was my first time to face the facts about me having herpes, and admitting it to a guy, I have this feeling that it may get easier as time goes on. I know I screwed things up this time. I think I am learning a lot from this situation. I intend to avoid this situation again by being straight up honest the next time.

[rcoreyus]

The wikipedia article (see the society and culture sub heading) on this has some very interesting information on the stigmatization or herpes as a deliberate plan to sell medication. Quite fascinating.

[Trixareforkids]

That was fascinating. It's the whole hair net for food workers thing. It wasn't a "thing" until someone trying to sell something made it a thing. There are quite a few things that fall into this category, but not as personally damaging as this.

[ThisOneThought]

Wow, thank you for suggesting that article. It makes me feel better about it a little. So people that had herpes before the 70's acted like it was no big deal. Then, once drug companies saw the potential to make money they marketed how terrible it was, hyping it into being this big deal. It's funny because I don't even take medication for it.

Another brief update: I just texted him to get some closure on the situation since he had not gotten back with me in almost a week. I told him I assumed we wouldn't be talking anymore and that if that was so I would understand. He said he couldn't be with someone who he couldn't trust and would put their own interests first. All I could say to that was that I didn't blame him.

Overall I feel like I am leaving this situation with new insights and new emotions under my belt. It was seriously something tremendous that I had to overcome just to admit it to a new partner. I personally feel like he doesn't understand the weight of how it made me feel, and he doesn't understand what I emotionally went through to be able to admit it to him. And he will never understand that until he goes through it himself. BUT with that said, I don't hold it against him. I'm not angry with him, and I agree that me not telling him before wasn't a good way to earn trust. Me not telling him because I was scared, nervous, ashamed...that WAS putting my interests first. My interest was to not come face to face with the reality at that time because of my fear. I would've rather kept it a secret in favor of my emotions than think about how I could physically affect him. In a way that was selfish. But I know that my intention when I made the mistake wasn't to be selfish or gain anything from him. I know was just struggling with the issue. I'm only human and I don't want to beat myself up about this. But to be rejected by him it is reality slapping me in the face, and consequences from my choices.

I definitely will take what I learn from this situation. I'm hoping that next time I can be more brave. I know that hindsight is always 20/20. But I think that everything happens for a reason. I hope I didn't pass on the virus to him. He is such a great guy, and I think he handled the news well enough, and didn't blow up on me.

[Trixareforkids]

All things considered I'd say this actually went fairly well. Not only did you "find your bravery" ss my little one says, you and the other person handled it in a controlled way even though you found your bravery a bit late. It wasn't the best possible outcome but neither was it the worst. And having done it once will make it a little easier next time, lessons learned are very good things.

I'd also keep the link to that wikipedia or print it out so that you have it on hand the next time you need to have this talk. It may help sway things in a more favorable direction.