[Hopeless Dork]

I think I have always struggled looking people in the eyes, from a kid right up until now, If I lock eyes, male, female, friend, family member I immediatly start feeling a bit uncomfortable. Mostly unsure of how long its appropriate to look someone in the eye... once you are engaged in the eye lock, when can you let go without seeming rude.. distinterested etc.

I am a shy person, thats probably my problem. When I met my boyfriend one of the first times I believed he might actually be interested in me.. (this was before he actually asked me) he lowered his sunglasses, which I was fine looking up at.. and looked me in the eyes and it just connected with me... I was like is he flirting??? lol.. I held it for as long as I could probably blushing like crazy.

Even now, after all the months we've been together I will turn away from his gaze in regular conversation sometimes, sometimes I hold it and it still probably makes me blush.

Now for intimate moments... when we are having sex and I look up and he's looking at my face, eyes open it melts my heart and I look back into his eyes for a few moments then bury my head in his chest.

I always here people in porn talking about girls looking up during fellatio and giving the guy eye contact... and I am not sure about that one. I keep my eyes open usually, watching the job at hand, Ive peeked up occasionally to see him looking down at me sometimes and I will catch his eye for just a moment then back down my eyes go... sometimes i look up and his are closed and I will watch him but its usually only for a second then he is back looking at me and I hurry my eyes away.

I am curious how you all feel about eye contact with people you meet... do you think less of people that don't look you in the eye when they talk, what does that make you feel like? Do you feel uncomfortable if someone won't break a stare... and especially how does eye contact during intimacy make you feel, are you comfortable giving it? And if you practice oral sex on your SO do you do the whole porn star looking up giving eye contact thing... do guys even want that, I would imagine it would feel weird lol. I dont know!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Very good thread HD.

If someone can't look me in the eye for business purposes, I don't trust them.

If a man tilted his sunglasses and looked at me? I would think he is totally confident and it would scare the out of me, as I would think, player, however, i would think flirt and i would smile, look back hold, and then look away so like, catch me if you can...

Attitude.

If someone won't break the stare I think of the Devil, hahaha, seriously, like controlling, scare the out of me.

As for in bed, like you, whilst i have let go of all my inhibitions, i have to be with a man whom allows me to feel that as well and well, to date, i did that by myself and well my man is soooo far away and time has not allowed me to establish if i would but I think personally? I would stare into his eyes and meet his soul and not look away...

That is what I believe.

But, that comes with feeling in love, trust, no inhibitions and well no inhibitions, I can do that.

CW

[ItsASecret]

I am definitely a person who is uncomfortable with looking a person in the eyes but thats just how I have always been. I turn my head away because I always think that if someone is staring into my eyes they will divert their gaze after a second and look for things to stare at on my face which makes me very very uncomfortable. When it comes to business I try my best to make eye contact out of respect but my mind does often tell me to look away because of my routine with other people. With my boyfriend I totally avoid eye contact during sex or any sexual act. We do things with a small amount of light in the room (usually a bit of the laptop light) but I have told him that my nature is to be extremely uncomfortable with eye contact so he will never see me looking up at him during oral or while he is down on me. I'm his girlfriend, not his porn star

[WildChild]

I'm fine with making brief eye contact. To hold it creates an entirely different message. I enjoy making eye contact with the LOML during sex or anytime but I don't make prolonged eye contact with other men. A lot of it depends on context, looking someone in the eyes can convey sympathy or empathy but it can also be flirty or agressive, you know, staring them down?
Ever noticed how sexy it is, for example in the movie, Dirty Dancing, when they are dancing while gazing into each other's eyes?

[ThexMrs]

I still feel very uncomfortable during sex so when being intimate I have to force myself to look that person in the eye but it doesn't last long. I remember when I was MUCH younger, my boyfriend asked me to look up at him while I would give him a blow job. I said no, cover your head with a pillow. Yes, that's right. I asked him to cover his head with a pillow so that he couldn't see me. Eventually, this changed. I got to be much more comfortable with him. With my last boyfriend, I was very nervous about being intimate and I went back to my younger years. He wanted me to be on top while having sex and I said, okay... Just cover your eyes until I'm ready and comfortable. Needless to say, he did it but it didn't go well. We just switched spots. As for when I go out. If a guy is looking at me I will lock eyes with him and give him a little smile. When he smiles back I might turn away to act a little disinterested or if I really like the guy, I won't look away. Either way, they always come up to me. Last night I met a guy, very cool, very good looking. He actually knew someone I had met there previously so it was nice to have something in common or someone rather. He locked eyes with me and it was INTENSE! He wouldn't look away so I neither did I. It lasted a long time and after that I was just taken with him. It turned into a GREAT night... NO, I did NOT sleep with him. Anyways, that's my two cents.

[Hugo-B]

Firstly, looking up whilst performing fellatio is very, very erotic to me. Most importantly we were all born with our own unique personality type, and whilst we should be ourselves (the BEST version of ourselves we can be, mind) we should always stay true to ourselves and not attempt to be what we are not and what doesn't suit us - an original is ALWAYS worth more than a copy, every time.

Also, men are very visual creatures, we like visual stimulation like girls like emotional stimulation, so girls, if you have beautiful eyes the price you must pay is letting us look into them!

This means our actions should be congruent with our personalities, as far as sex goes, that is a HUGE turn on. OP, a certain degree of shyness and timidity is an enormous turn on to many men, I think it makes them in turn feel more masculine, like you need them and they need to protect you.

EVERYONE who feels uncomfortable try this little trick... (I'm so excited, can't wait to here the feedback!)

I actually use/d this myself, I wouldn't just make something up and recommend it, all rest assured this has been 'road tested'

Last summer a friend from university told me his ex wife who worked on a human resources team for a huge firm was happy to give me a mock interview and provide feedback on the interview. She works as part of a team, which amongst other things deal with recruitment for very, very senior positions. I did the the interview and received very positive feedback on my eye contact.

Now, if you 'hold' eye contact for what ends up amounting to a inappropriate amount of time you are seriously going to creep the other person out. Eye contact, used properly is a VERY powerful communication tool. You can distinguish an artificial smile from a real one by the look in a persons eyes, when we smile, really smile, we smile with our eyes too. As a man you need to be extra carful, if you just stare into a woman's eyes trying to demonstrate she's got your attention or show her you fancy her you'll likely creep her out, or worse still, she'll likely worry you're about to attack her.

Here's the trick: you look at the persons eyes, not directly into them. What I did in that interview was follow the instructions I read in a great body language book. When you look at a persons face, imagine a triangle around their eyes and down to their chin. Now, simply gaze into that triangle, the woman in that interview knew she had my attention, and although we 'locked eyes' a few times I didn't break further away than 'the triangle', so she didn't think I was being rude, nor did I stare hard long at her so she thought I was some kind of predator.

Often eye contact can be the difference between a successful interaction and an unsuccessful one. I also use this when I speak to girls with epic boobs, it stops me desperately forcing and holding eye contact (so they know I'm not staring at their chest) and it also helps stop me from staring at the 'boobies'.

So next time you feel uncomfortable about making eye contact simply look into the 'triangle' instead, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the result.

[ItsASecret]

Often eye contact can be the difference between a successful interaction and an unsuccessful one. I also use this when I speak to girls with epic boobs, it stops me desperately forcing and holding eye contact (so they know I'm not staring at their chest) and it also helps stop me from staring at the 'boobies'.

Honestly it is also incredibly easy to see when a guy is trying some tactic to avoid boob ogling lol. They fidget, they move their body or arms/hands a lot, you can see their eyes darting around even if it is in the "triangle" on her face lol, and guys tend to do stuff with their lips as a distraction. If you know what the body language to look for is it really is not hard to read a man and figure him out in a split second that he is trying his best not to revert to his teenage staring mentality during a conversation.

When you look at a persons face, imagine a triangle around their eyes and down to their chin. Now, simply gaze into that triangle, the woman in that interview knew she had my attention, and although we 'locked eyes' a few times I didn't break further away than 'the triangle',

Yeah I have heard of this. The version I heard was you look in the middle of the triangle, so the bridge of their nose. It is easy to tell when someone is not looking directly into your eyes but slightly off to the side or whatever. Eye contact is eye contact, not looking at the nose or cheek or eyebrow etc and looking in the eye can be difficult for people who do not even want to make eye contact in the first place. I do it during job interviews because I have to not because I want to lol, all I do is a brief look in the eye and maybe down to the paper we are discussing and when we look up again I will give a quick eye contact. I never lock on because that is just weird lol

[Hugo-B]

I use the 'triangle' in professional settings to help me stop staring at girls boobs, emphasis on 'help', there's only so much I can do LOL.

If I'm out and talking to a girl who pretty much has her boobs squeezing out of her top I'll just break the ice and say something like 'can you tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes please?'. I think an admiring glance is acceptable so long as it doesn't deteriorate into lecherous staring.

It's interesting what you say about men not being able to disguise the fact they are trying not to look at a woman's chest, I agree they can't, I just try and make it less obvious where I deem it necessary, most women are used to it anyway and wont take any offense unless your behavior becomes inappropriate. A study also revealed that women check men out just as much as men check out women, but men make it more obvious because they look women up and down (unlike women who use a sideways glance) and have 35% narrower peripheral vision than women so make it more obvious by moving their heads.

I read (and I agree) that women are four times (on average) more perceptive than men when interpreting body language and interpersonal communication signals; I agree with this completely. Only one man in 32 is as perceptive as the average woman according to the study.

Re eye contact unrelated to trying to stop staring at, or disguise staring at boobies, the 'triangle' works well for me anytime I want to demonstrate to someone they have your attention, or if you want to make eye contact but you feel slightly awkward doing so. I agree that you should 'mirror' people, if someone is nervous then effectively staring them out wont work.

If I'm talking to a women and she's trying to intimidate me/make me nervous/uncomfortable/flustered by holding eye contact (I love those false eyelashes too, the long ones) I use an excellent tip a girl shared with me which I've had great results with, which is looking into each of her eyes one at a time, back and forth, with both of my eyes. The last time I tried that I got a playful slap, a mischievous smile, and the girl said, 'well you're a cheeky one aren't you?', it worked, and she didn't 'win'. Although there is something endearing about letting a pretty girl make you flustered just by talking to you (happened to me loads of times) I think women also have a healthy, different kind of respect for men who don't let them get away with it.

[Hugo-B]

I've just re read a couple of replies and I couldn't imagine not making eye contact with someone I'm making love to, I'm not saying I'm right and others are wrong, just that I would feel very uncomfortable not making eye contact, I think eye contact between two lovers is very intimate and erotic.

[Hugo-B]

In answer to one of the OP's original questions, if I talk to someone and they don't make eye contact I simply think they're shy, that's not a criticism in any way and I don't judge them for it, that's what I think. If they 'stare' and hold eye contact and make me uncomfortable I think they're aggressive, trying to assert dominance, or have very poor social skills. Depending on the situation, the person, and the circumstances this may or may not be uncomfortable or intimidating. When this happens I don't stare back and I'll assume a softer tone of voice and non-dominant body language so they start to 'wind down' a bit.


In short I think the most successful interactions are the ones in which we are as truthful as possible, this leads us to be congruent with what we are saying and doing, which means our body language (including the look in our eyes) and our vocal tone is congruent with our words. This is why women, our four times more perceptive counterparts, can always tell when we (men) are lying. That saying 'where the mind goes the body follows' holds true when we try and lie to them, because our body language reflects our poorly chosen lies, the body has followed the mind, the lies are obvious in our actions and not just our words.

Interestingly they say when women lie, they are most likely to look down and make their hands busy, typically start rummaging through their handbags or something. I agree with this.