[mdraven380]

Swiftus,
I used to be embarrassed to have a orgam too.
Well I actually never had one until I was 39.
I was taught sex was bad. I had it a lot and it felt good but not the same as an orgasm.
A woman needs to learn how to do it on her own first and feel comfortable with it.
Then she needs to feel comfortable, relaxed and certainly not rushed with her partner.
Not that I'm saying anything about rushing anyone.
I guess I'm really just stating what works for me.
And to think all the years I had sex and never had an orgasm.
Better late than never.
Just hoping I can help some people here as there are people helping me.

[UnFetteredSoul]

Hi NotLookingBack,
I'm certainly no doctor, but in just my opinion, you have stated exactly what the problem is:

"I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, although I prefer to call it Emotional Dysregulation Disorder because that's what it is."
This is a medical problem, and I'm certain your doctor can help you with it. Have you tried discussing your feelings in this matter with her/him? Perhaps it's a factor in what is bothering you, based on the symptoms I read, and once it's medically under control, your feelings may well improve.

"My mother is a very sexually frigid woman, and I cannot get her out of my head no matter how hard I try. She worked very hard to be in my head all the time, and now I have difficulty getting rid of her."
Again, I'm no doctor, but it sounds like you grew up hearing sex was somehow <--insert adjective here--> I don't know: bad, wrong, gross, messy? This could also be playing in your head while you're trying to enjoy yourself. I used to have this "thing" where I would be really into the sex and suddenly get a mental image of how ridiculous we must look and it would ruin it every time. It would be hard to relax and desire to be there in the first place if something negative you heard growing up kept popping into your head.
Again, I'm certain your doctor can help with this.

"Before my husband and I got together, I was very sexually active with one boring and inattentive lover, and he was sexually active with several partners in more creative and interesting ways."
Ok... so, you have a medical issue that can taint your emotions, you grew up hearing nothing but negative about sex, and your (only?) previous lover experience was boring, inattentive, and unsatisfying. All of which can leave a person thinking, "yeah you're sexy and fun to be with, but what's the point, it's just going to be more of the same."
I think, and again, it's just my untrained opinion, that your current medical problem combined with your past experiences are coloring your present situation.
I agree with Steph33, please see your doctor and explain all you have explained to us and I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon.
Keep us posted.

[WildChild]

BPD is not strictly a medical problem. BP (bi-polar) is. BPD, as my kid's father's psychiatrist explained to me, is almost always the result of emotional trauma. There may be some physiological factors as well that predispose someone to it. This would help account for why some victims of servere emotional trauma develope it while others don't. Many doctors diagnose BP and BPD together, considering one to be the emotional and the other to be the physical factor.

It requires testing to determine if it is only BP. Drug treatment is not without some pretty significant side effects. Living with someone who has this is no picnic - I did it for 9 years. You might want a second opinion.

[rcoreyus]

NotLookingBack - your resonses and thoughts seem simliar to those of my wife. She loves me and wants affection. She gets physical pleasure from sex, but seem to almost never want it, and when we do, she wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. When we don't have sex for a while I get grumpy.

So - there you are not the only one who feels this way (although maybe for different reasons). I don't have much to suggest (25 years of a miserably sex life at home doesn't make me an expert), but a few thoughts:

You say that a sexy dance would be " too little too late". Its never too late. He sounds like a very considerate lover (a rare thing). He would probably be overjoyed if you suddenly became more interested, more sexy.

What ever you do - please don't wait. He may never leave you, but if he stays he will be unhappy. And he may leave - some other woman may offer him what he has been missing (not the physical act of sex, but being with a a woman who truely desires him).

I am not at all competent to comment on psychological issues. Maybe you should consult a professional.

Don't worry about what is past. He loves you and desires you. Can you put your self in the mind set of a woman who really desires him? It sounds like you almost do.

I'm not sure role playing is such a bad idea - wear Venetial masks, dress up - pretend to be someone else, and maybe that someone can enjoy sex with him. Maybe you can eventually learn from that fantasy self?

good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I love my husband, I do feel sexy, and I do think about sex. But again, I feel like I'm just playing a part in a stage production of my sex life. It's not real for me, I have to force it.

Clearly, there is something wrong with me - clearly I AM missing something if I CAN have physically satisfying sex and I still don't want to. Which is kind of one of the reasons I posted here to begin with.

This is all very confusing and I don't even know where to begin. There is NO GOOD REASON that I shouldn't want to have sex with my husband at every opportunity, and yet I don't. How do I fix that?

Sweet, don't get anxious... Off course it's confusing.. You have a husband that you adore, you love him, you get on so well, have for 6 years, since you were 20...

There is a reason.... your mum.. You were only 20, maybe 19 when you met your husband, your mother drummed things into you so much pertaining to sex that your a closed book but you know what?

YOU WANT TO OPEN.... If you didn't you would not post this, it's bugging you ..

This is my suggestion.

Probably your husband has tried this from the inset but time to go back to the beginning.

He needs to "quit" going to 100% and start at 10%... That being that he needs to NOT talk about anal sex, and things that you can't possibly look at doing, you haven't even got past the beginning yet..

So, what that your at the beginning... Some women are still there at 35 and 40 and then whooo behold something triggers and off they go and the things they experience they never thought they would try let alone love.

You need your "sex" at this stage to be "love"... you are viewing it as "sex"...

You need to "know" it's okay to love your husband in an intimate way, and he needs to know that he needs to run you a bath, with rose petals and walk.. not wanting anything, purely making you love him more... and hopefully wanting him therefore...

You probably do need a sex therapist or physcologist to get your mind around this, past your Mother... She may have been "right" for herself but we are all individuals and we can make our own minds up over what we love or don't love about "sex" or should I say "intimacy"...

How do you feel that you could get her out of this situation, out of your bedroom, your head?

That is the answer to your problem...

CW

[Guest]

OP - I didn't mean to sound judgemental. The boards are for anyone who wants to participate in a fashion that agrees with the regulations. Your question was perfectly fine. I apologize if I came off dismissive.

I was trying to encourage you....

When I'm having a rough day, I remember all the positive in my life and soon realize that there is absolutely _no reason_ in the world why I should be unhappy. In fact, it is bloody selfish that I would ever feel that way.

You sound to be in a decent situation yourself. Everyone encounters some type of hiccup along the way. The good thing is that you've recognized the issue and reached out for help. That shows that you are willing to rectify things.

I wish you and husband the best of luck.

[NotLookingBack]

Everyone, thanks for your advice and your encouragement. I apologize for my frustration yesterday - I know you are all trying to help.

We had a fairly frank discussion about sex last night, and I was startled to discover that he feels as though the "only thing" he has going for him in bed is that he's a considerate lover. Because I have pretty much never had a more "spontaneous" orgasm (as in, one that he gave me 100% - I've always had to work hard to get my orgasms), he believes that he is not physically capable of being responsible for my satisfaction. I told him about needing to be in my fantasy in order to orgasm, and he said he would rather me be there and be satisfied than be more "present" with him and not have an orgasm.

Anyway, after re-routing some miscommunications, we were able to come to a compromise. We're going to try and spice things up a little, try some new things in bed, but if those things don't work, we will go back to what does work for each of us. That way, we're giving ourselves a chance to expand and maybe learn some new tricks, but we'll also be able to be comfortable and satisfied.

So hopefully that will work out much better than how it's going now.

Thanks again, everyone.

[WildChild]

Good for you. You might get a cope of the Orgasm Loop and see if her advice helps you to relax and not have to work so hard at it. Another good one is, One Hour Orgasm, it describes in detail for you and for him how to set the mood and focus just on pleasuring your partner. This involves hands only. If you could build a mental connection with him and your pleasure and orgasm, I bet you'd find it a lot easier to cum with him.

[Ahryin]

Ok I had to skip over EVERYONE's comment and come straight to what I have to say. I'm and opening a Hollistic Intimacy Shoppe in 6month's It will be in PA. I"m not sure how far you are from PA but you are welcome anytime! You already know what your issues are you just don't know how to come to terms with them. First and foremost you have to be honest with your husband. Intimacy starts with communications and trust in your love. He has stuck by you and will continue to stick by you. He wants to please you! That proves that he is not just for self. Once you admit outloud to your partner that you have issues viewing yourself as being sexually attractive (even though I"m sure he will be in disbelief because you seem to be a sex goddess to him) he will be more understanding because he at least knows it is not him. Most men believe that if you are not interested its because they are unattractive to you. So stroke his ego and let him know that it really isn't him. Then you need to work on you...by working on you I mean removing all of the negative views your past has placed or embeded into your being about sex and intimacy. See with you it isn't just a romantic din or some flowers you need a makeover! A total body, mind, and spirit makeover! Similar to women who have had sex forced upon them. If I were you I would start out with mediatation classes. Once you learn to clear your mind and reach your zone of peace you will be able to better connect with yourself. You should refrain from being master of your own domain aka masterbation until you WANT to do it. Its a wonderful thing and should be treated as such. A good class for yourself and your husband to take would be Tantra. Tantra is the art of breathing and being sexual without actually touching. It is EXTREMLY sexual and has been known to bring some men and women to climaxes never reached before. It also does not have to envolve any touching what so ever. I would also take a yoga class or get a yoga dvd. You two can do that together as well yoga unites mind body and spirit which is what you really need...it also helps with flexibility and the contour of a womans body. It helps balance your body's chemical balance. Girl...I can go on and on and on about this stuff...this is right in my alley which is why i'm opening a business. Just try those things and work on you, you have a man who loves you...so love yourself just as much if not more! MWAH...if you need me I'm here for you

Kas

[Ahryin]

Oh and when you are ready to talk toys....lotions....cuffs...swings...I'm your lady