[barbiedoll]

Update:
Last night after work, my daughter needed to pick up some stuff from here so she was going to come by and when she got here for a 15-20 visit/stay here is what we found out.
1. She was highly offended when my husband ask for the key back
2. She was told in no uncertain terms to call before she comes to see if we are going to be home for a visit.
3. She was told by both of us that any more comments would result in her expulsion from our premises immediately and we would call to tell her when she could come back over.
4. She was told by my husband that in the past he told me what she said within 10-15 minutes of her leaving. That would change, from now on he would immediately tell me while she was there. She didn't like that.
5. She told us that she wanted to get an apartment because she got tired of her guy friends asking where is her older sister and her having to correct them telling them she doesn't have an older sister, "that's my mom"!! Of which my husband told her, she needs to be exxxxxtremely grateful that your mom looks young, young enough to be mistaken for your older sister. Quite possibly the genes being passed on means you'll be young looking also when you're her age. She didn't even think about that, duhhh!!!!
6. By this time, 45 minutes into the visit, she was crying and appologizing and saying it'll never happen again.
7. Hope she's right.....my husband says she's putting on a show. We'll see.

[WildChild]

Only time will tell. She sounds a little immature, but then at that age I was married and supporting an immature husband (grimace). I think you did the right thing by making the ground rules very clear. It is normal for little girls to "flirt" with daddy. She isn't a little girl. You certainly don't want her making an outright pass, him rejecting and her claiming HE did something inappropriate.

[LanaBear]

I'm so glad you two talked to her and laid down some rules to her visitations, etc.

I hope everything is settled, but like WC said, only time will tell. I think you guys have to maintain the discussion and don't easily relax, she may have been a little embarrassed now knowing that you know the extent of her "flirting" with your husband.

[Ahryin]

I agree with Lana...she probably didn't realize how tight your communication is with your husband! Time will tell but its good that she knows how aware you really are

[Hopeless Dork]

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Unless she is disturbed, you gave her more than a hint this time... and she should be embarassed/humiliated at her actions enough to realize they need to stop.

She did open up to you about resenting your youthful beauty and thats a start. Maybe in the past she felt slighted, maybe one of her guy friends was attracted to you and it invoked the green eyed monster and in an immuture state caused her to react and want to prove to herself she could be attractive to your man as well.

Either way you opened up a line of dialogue.

I think if she is working on some changes that you can maybe try some yourself, even if they seem silly. Let your daughter have her time in the sun, her time to shine. When she has men friends over -- dress modestly and don't linger around too long at first.

There is nothing more embarassing and self-esteem crushing than competing with your own mother for your boyfriends attention. Its not your fault if you are an attractive woman - I am not saying uglify yourself in the presense of her guys -- I am just saying, take a backseat, let her ride shotgun

I use to have a friend in high school with an extremely hot mom who resented her mom a lot. Her mom would borrow her clothes and then proceed to look better in them. Her mom would flirt with her boyfriends and make comments about my friends zit, or weight gain or anything to make her seem undesirable in front of them as well.

It crushed her. Not saying you are doing that, just saying be supportive

[barbiedoll]

Hopeless......you must be a mindreader. My daughter came over this morning thinking that she didn't clear the air yesterday. She came in and started in by saying she didn't mean any harm at all and she sensed that my husband didn't buy it. He didn't. She said it was simply a mistake to see him and I ask her why did she stay there long enough to look, was it that steamy in our bathroom after showering off and drying off that she didn't know who was in the shower. As it turns out, that is the real reason that my husband didn't buy it. He says she shouldn't have been looking even if it was me in there, it wasn't any of her business and he's right. I ask her what did she expect to see and she said, well I certainly wasn't expecting to see what I saw and quickly changed the topic to other events.

Talking brought out something else that I wasn't aware of ever since she was 16 she and I have been able to wear/exchange outfits as we are the same size, height and weight(well nearly the same ~10pounds) and some of my revealing outfits I wouldn't let her wear. She thought it was because she couldn't fill out the outfit, I wouldn't let her because she could fill out the outfit. The one example she gave a floor length black formal with a V-cut neckline I wouldn't let her wear it because I thought it improper to where she was going. One other thing, she did reaffirm the idea that some guys commented about me while we were shopping together and would run into some of her friends at the mall. I really don't remember instances but it must have ruined her day for her to remember it now from long ago.

My husband came in from Bass Pro and she acted like nothing had ever happened, called him 'poppy'........that was her nickname for him when she wanted something. She then ask him if he was mad at her and before he could answer she said, cause I appologized. He told her that it didn't seem sincere. I could spend the next 30 minutes recapping the events but won't bother, lets just say, she tried to talk her way back into his heart and he isn't buying it and she knows it.

Hopeless, you were so right on, you go girl!!!!

[edyglobal]

Do as much as you can to avoid doing very intimate things visible to her like towelling off. Girls this age are usually very engrossed or overwhelmed about the idea of sex or having sex. Although not all but some girls are so curious about it like young men to the extent that they would experiment it with a boyfirend and get pregnant in the end. So one solution here is refrain from showing her things that would stir up whatever emotions or sexual fantasy that she may have. whew! this sure is tough!

[kira]

Ok I would admit something here but my husband occasionally drops by the forum and knows my sn so I don't want to... I will say at early 20s thoughts of sex do rule over some girl's minds (of course girls talk about it with each other) and since he isn't her actual father, he's a nice guy, and good looking to both you and her I don't find this as shocking or serious as everyone else keeps going on about. Personally I wasn't as outspoken and would not have made comments but I sure would have lingered out of uncontrollable curiosity if I found him toweling off. Also when you've lived in a house and grew up with the people it's kind of hard to suddenly go to giving them complete privacy. I still just walk into my mom's house and occasionally my stepdad is standing around shirtless or something. At one point he and mom got in to it over whether I should be allowed to do that. My mom backed me up though saying it was still mine and my sister's home and she wasn't going to make me knock or call.

Personally all I see here is a lack of self control, a little immaturity, and that it hasn't been reinforced enough what is appropriate behavior and what isn't. Even if she has moved out it sounds like you are basically still dealing with a teenager who is testing limits and failing to understand what is socially appropriate. I think with a few more years and a little maturity (as well as hormones and sex drive settling a little) the issue will resolve itself anyway. Don't alienate her now. Do continue to lay down rules though and make sure she knows what is appropriate. You might want to discuss proper behavior around a married man. Even if she calls him dad to her this man is not related and the only thing that keeps him from being a potential partner to her is your marriage and possibly his age. Reinforcing the reasons why her behavior is wrong would help not only this situation but potential trouble she could get into on her own in the future.

[needanswer99]

be patient

hi barbiedoll!!!!

my heart with you,,.... you have a difficult situation at the moment....
many of this forum friends gave you very useful comments ...hope it would work....

few things to add::

as somebody mentioned above, please please try NOT to expose yourself or your husband which could stir her up. towelling etc...
you and your husband should try to be modestly dressed more than the normal way.....i know it is a extreme step ...but to cure somebody .....u need to do something hard....
in my profession i saw one 16 yrs old boy got involved in the same way to his mother.....but in addition of other treatments , she was advised also to be modest in dressing in front of him.....and it worked (as she told later))..

secondly try to appreciate her beauty more than yours.....
especially if done by some of your relatives or freinds....
but be careful .............NEVER BY YOUR HUSBAND....

she is in inferior complex because of your beauty...
for the sake of your daughter and for the time being..try to be less beautiful than her........I know it is easy to say than to do....but try

lastly may be, also she does not want somebody LESS SMART THAN YOUR HUSBAND.... as boy friend..

in front of her, try to appreciate or discuss other qualities of a man as boyfriend...not only the physique or body.....so she could accept any other guy as her boyfriend....

if already u r taking care of such things...then ignore my comments
take some professional family councillor advice.....do not delay too much.
good luck

[barbiedoll]

Much thanks to all who have commented and I am taking all into our plans for revamping how we acknowledge, confront, and abide by my/our daughter. I guess for one thing it has been hard to realize the change right before our eyes that she has made since she moved out nearly a year ago and just how bold and brazen, if you will, she has to say what's on her mind.

At 13, when we first got married, she acted like a normal 13 year old. Nothing was ever said by her out of the way about my husband. He was a loving father figure, since hers was no longer in her life, of which I truly was appreciative and so was she. She and I went shopping together and even as close as a year ago, not one time did she say anything to me about any perceived problem she was having with me. I guess even though I'd take her shopping at Fredricks of Hollywood, it wasn't until age 17, her senior year, that she ask to try on one of my new bras and it fit, surprising her. I didn't purposely try to ever look better than she does, quite frankly, she has enough guy friends paying her attention it never crossed my mind that maybe one might say something to her about me. My husband nor I flaunted our looks at home in our pool, only time that we did was when she was spending the night at a girlfriends and we'd take advantage and skinny dip within the confines of our backyard pool enclosed with a 8 foot privacy fence and usually only did it late, late at night. While she's been home, he never leaves himself open to that. It's been normal to get out of the pool, go into our bathroom to shower, towel off, and then resume life. She never gave a reason for her to be back looking at him in the bathroom area. That's why this has hit us like a ton of bricks but my husband says we are the Big Mack Truck that is going to carry this load and see it through to the end, for our daughter's sake.

By the way, my husband for the first time read this forum while looking over my shoulder and expressed his thoughtfulness for this forum that strangers would care to help and he sends his thanks, now quit reading over my shoulder!!!!!!! Ha,ha he got the message and walked off.

Again, this has been an experience that we didn't want to experience but will persevere through. Thanks so much.