[PJhavinfunagain]

As a wife who has been on the sex once a month is fine for me bandwagon there aren't any easy explanations. Many things contributed to my feelings (too much to write here). Mostly it felt like another chore. Horrible I know. I did enjoy it and orgasm 99% of the time. But I just could not get into the mood more. I think open and honest communication is best. You need to come to some sort of compromise. Is there something she wants? Is there a way she would change how/where the sex occurs? If you have kids maybe she is self conscious about them hearing.

[WildChild]

I've shut down sexually before, when I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and working toward getting myself and my kids out. I wanted nothing more than to just be as far from the man as possible. I lost all interest in sex. But as soon as I was free of him it came back - with a little nudge.

[LanaBear]

As a wife who has been on the sex once a month is fine for me bandwagon there aren't any easy explanations. Many things contributed to my feelings (too much to write here). Mostly it felt like another chore. Horrible I know. I did enjoy it and orgasm 99% of the time. But I just could not get into the mood more. I think open and honest communication is best. You need to come to some sort of compromise. Is there something she wants? Is there a way she would change how/where the sex occurs? If you have kids maybe she is self conscious about them hearing.

Could of wrote this myself...

It took some time to finally admit I was the problem and that in order for the problem to be fixed, I had to look within myself and fix it.

[kira]

I completely understand the "I'm stressed and don't feel like it" argument. Yes sex can relieve stress but not everyone feels aroused easy when stressed. Sex can end up looking like a chore when all you want to do is nothing. When you aren't in the mood to be easily aroused getting there and making sure you are getting your partner there seems like more than you want to take on. Even if you don't want her to feel obligated to do anything it's hard not to. Also if the cause of your stress is people a person may be the last thing you want to interact with. There's been more than one occasion I've come back from one of my college classes that involves group projects or from dealing with my mom when she's being frustrating and flopped on the bed to refuse any interaction by my husband for about the next hour. We are on good terms and my sex drive is higher than his but I am not a social person and when people stress me out I want to be left alone. Sex is the last thing on my mind and attempts to get me interested or even to do things physically to improve my mood without intending sex may result in me destressing by venting on the nearest person. Then further avoiding interaction for longer than I would have otherwise. Do it enough days in a row and don't expect anything from me for about a week or 2.

I've also been in relationships where I did not want sex. I have a high sex drive and there are weeks I surpass my husband's ability to have sex anymore. His parts eventually quit responding. Which does occasionally lead to much amusement frustrating him although I'll usually regret it later when he does recover. Despite that I spent 2 years in a relationship where I had sex about twice the last year. I got really good at avoiding him and making excuses. There was too much emotional stuff going on with us and too much of him seeming like he just wanted sex constantly without ever touching me otherwise until the slightest hint of him wanting anything completely shut down any desire I had and put me in a bad mood. We eventually broke up partially because he just couldn't communicate and understand what I wanted, partially because he ignored me unless he wanted sex, and partially cause he was completely psychotic(don't ask). Sometime after that I ended up in another relationship that started to go the same direction for nearly opposite reasons. He would do absolutely anything I wanted and make sure I was satisfied but he was all over me all the time. He always wanted to give me a massage, hang on my shoulders, wrap his arms around me, text message things to my phone, leave love notes... I felt like I was walking through the house with a new appendage. Eventually I started to get the desire to just smack him so I learned to stay out of his reach and head off his advances. That relationship didn't last long.

There are tons of reasons the other person might shut down and it may be just as much the things you are doing to help as the things you aren't doing. What puts one person in a better mood might annoy another. One person might desire contact where another wants space. The thing that works the absolute best for me is just to lay down and watch a movie. No massage, no show of interest, no big attempts to put me in a good mood, and leave the freaking love notes in your desk so I don't have to sit there frowning in annoyance while trying not to think about tearing them up. Just do absolutely nothing and have it go nowhere while relaxing. Then I feel no pressure to be happier, no pressure to return any favors, no feeling that he wants more... Just lay down and relax without him getting distracted by his email, a book, or something. I gurantee you that unless something is seriously wrong between us laying together watching a few episodes in a tv series I like or a movie for a few days in a row with no advances on my emotional state or sex drive will pretty much fix whatever emotional junk is causing the problem. I actually get in a very bad mood sometimes if we haven't laid down and done nothing together. Which really frustrated my husband for awhile until he realized how to fix my sudden drop in mood. I'm sure it was fun first figuring out what to do when attempts to show care and interest got him snapped at and attempts to give me space made things better for a night only to have me withdraw and eventually go cry where he wouldn't see. I am a good example of why I hate dealing with other people. :P

[Greydog72]

Good points, Kira

But you've hit every point that I'm talking about. I understand, if you need to be left alone then your partner needs to be aware of that...I feel like that too, sometimes....it's normal. But you also mentioned that if you don't get the attention you desiree, your husband will feel your emotions...
Don't you think it runs both ways...I'm aware of her emotions and when I need to stay away. I don't write love letters everyday or maul her, just because. It's just frustrating when you have to intentionally act a certain way to get your point across. I know that I answer a lot of my own question, but sometimes you need to step back and see how others approach it. When your trying to find a middle ground and feeling like your giving more ground to make things work tends to get old. I feel like I'm doing things to help keep our family together and I feel like she is doing things for herself only. Just me and my box. After 20 years of marriage, I want a change. Feel like I'm hanging on to a dream sometimes.

I like using examples to express my emotions: I feel like it's a 2nd grade child that feels like they now everything already and so they refuse to learn anymore. If I was a teacher, I would know that they could learn more and it would be very frustrating if I couldn't get them to learn more.

A moving herd is a growing herd...If they stay still to long, they become lion food.

Thanks

[rcoreyus]

If you don't mind the question - why the "compromise". If you enjoy sex there shouldn't be any need for a compromise. If you don't, then he should find a way to help you enjoy.

As a wife who has been on the sex once a month is fine for me bandwagon there aren't any easy explanations. Many things contributed to my feelings (too much to write here). Mostly it felt like another chore. Horrible I know. I did enjoy it and orgasm 99% of the time. But I just could not get into the mood more. I think open and honest communication is best. You need to come to some sort of compromise. Is there something she wants? Is there a way she would change how/where the sex occurs? If you have kids maybe she is self conscious about them hearing.

[Guest]

If you don't mind the question - why the "compromise". If you enjoy sex there shouldn't be any need for a compromise. If you don't, then he should find a way to help you enjoy.

From what I've seen and heard this "compromise" is a rationlization to ration sex.

[WildChild]

From what I've seen and heard this "compromise" is a rationlization to ration sex.

Both genders do it. For whatever reasons. Can't say I understand it, if you love and are attracted to someone why do this? But people do, sometimes it's a power play or a passive aggressive thing, other times I just don't know; incompatable sexual interest? If I don't want sex I'm either really sick, there is a serious issue that needs to be resolved, or it's time to move on.

[PJhavinfunagain]

By compromise I mean you agree to a certain number of times a week or month. Maybe even have a designated day. Sometimes for me as a busy mom who does enjoy sex and loves my DH very much but had little drive until recently. An open honest conversation about sex would have been welcomed during our difficult times. We would have known where things stood and taken the pressure off both of us (will we? Is he going to want me to tonight?). Maybe created anticipation. Maybe started conversations how to change things up.
I admit for me part of it was I got too wrapped up in mommyhood and in all aspects of my life outside the bedroom. I think it got much worse for me after DH said some hurtful things while I was in the hospital recovering from major surgery that was supposed to be an outpatient procedure. DH was a bit resentful of our very demanding 2nd child (a son) He would say things for the 1st year or so that would (and sometimes still do) make me very protective of DS. All of this did not help me desire levels.
Just because I enjoy sex doesn't mean I can shut off the rest of the world at the drop of a hat. I need to feel safe, secure and loved not just for myself but my children.
Ok I'm beginning to feel defensive for all women going thru this so I;m taking a step back for now. I hope all of you out there can find they keys to unlock your mystery and that it leads to a wonderful new adventure in your seual relationship. Ours is moving in that direstion and I am enjoying every minute. BUT.... It is still work

[WildChild]

Good points, Kira

When your trying to find a middle ground and feeling like your giving more ground to make things work tends to get old. I feel like I'm doing things to help keep our family together and I feel like she is doing things for herself only. Just me and my box. After 20 years of marriage, I want a change. Feel like I'm hanging on to a dream sometimes.

Have seen the movie Don Juan de Marco with Depp? The doc pretty much wants to do the same thing. His wife isn't unwilling to have sex but they have a pretty predictable rut.