[pretzel]

Right now, I'd take anything....................................

(except drunken sex which is our sex life)

[rcoreyus]

Its sad. There are people who are compatible in relationships, but not for sex, and the reverse.

Pretzel, you shouldn't need to put up with drunken sex. Wish I had a suggestion though.

[pretzel]

Its sad. There are people who are compatible in relationships, but not for sex, and the reverse.

Pretzel, you shouldn't need to put up with drunken sex. Wish I had a suggestion though.

Thanks, actually there's a whole h$** of a lot I shouldn't have to put up with. For some reason I still do.

The line forms here to smack me upside the head.

[Guest]

I must have missed someting. Where has CW ever said this? Or implied it?

Not necessarily her, but it's a common theme here that cannot be refuted. It's one of the double standards that is accepted here that just irks me silly. I could dig up multiple threads, but that would be futile...my point is already made.

The problem here is with the woman...who chooses to masturbate instead of having sex with her husband.....and CW is suggesting a rehabilitative course of action for the husband.

That doesn't sound very logical.

The woman, who has chosen to shut down should address what the deterrent is...and the couple should go from there.

In my vast experience....coddling and accepting non sexual behavior like this from a female only leads to positive reinforcement of the unfortunate behavior.

Ask all the other men on the forum....they'll probably tell you the same.

[Hopeless Dork]

I can understand your frustration, you love her... you want more of HER. Not someone else, HER. Sounds like you're a good and respectful husband... and that you are not getting your needs met. You've found a way to be understanding about that... but knowing she is masturbating has got to add insult to injury when you have been okay with her lack of sexuality, to know she is able to be sexual without you.

Talking to her is the only thing that will help. But you have to talk in a way that is not judging or accusing her... simply stating how you are feeling and what you would like and asking her the same.

Does she orgasm during sex with you? If she is conventional in bed... perhaps she isn't comfortable telling you what she needs in order to orgasm, afraid to touch her self or have you touch her in a way that could help the process during the act... etc.

Don't take her masturbation as a sign of trouble, take it as a hint of hope... at least you know that deep down under her moral guilt...lies a sexual woman, so you are very lucky indeed as many men in your situation are married to completely asexual women.

Its just going to be a matter of tapping into her desires and letting her learn to trust and open up to you sexually.

Baby steps. Start with the talk. Ask her if there is anything you could do during sex that would make her feel even better. On a relaxing nite in bed... ask her to show you, tell her how sexy you think she is... etc.

I think once you are able to make her feel what she feels when she masturbates, she would much prefer you for her stress relief than being alone in the shower.


Men, by and large, tend to orgasm EVERYTIME they have sex, even bad sex. Women.... don't always get that luxery, even sexual women. Making sure she is pleased is going to increase her desire. Thats just how most women work.

I know your task isn't easy if she has all these pre-conceived notions of what married couples should and shouldn't do because of her upbringing... but sounds like with some communication and consideration you guys could turn this into something positive.

By the way I am not saying you don't satisfy her, and so thats why she is masturbating. Many sexually satisfied women still masturbate, obviously... but it couldn't hurt to work on finding her hot spots.

[WildChild]

In my vast experience....coddling and accepting non sexual behavior like this from a female only leads to positive reinforcement of the unfortunate behavior.

What does coddling and accepting non sexual behavior and giving positive reinforcement to unfortunate behavior from a male lead to?
For crying out loud this sounds like you are talking about training a dog.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You completely missed the point.

Seriously, CW - this is such a recurring theme. One that really gets to me.

His wife is choosing to masturbate over having sex with him. You seem to think that that is an okay scenario.

However -

Why is it when a man chooses masturbation over sex with his wife, he is a sex addicted animal?

Mr. Paul - you need to gently ask your wife about this. Why is it that she prefers masturbation over sex with you? Are you doing something wrong, is there something else she'd prefer? Have a civilized discussion and go from there.

Thank you Chandlers Wish and Wild Child. Your points ring true and they are well taken

Don't think i missed jack shirt, I think you see "masterbation" being one word and I saw "the whole thread", re-read the other points of the issues and his reply..

[PJhavinfunagain]

Someone else said something very true... Foreplay is a 24hr thing for women. If she is feeling sexual but you are being snipey with her about the lack of sex or making comments regarding your dis satisfaction they may be backfiring on you.

example... Me a mom of 2 young kids, sex drive had dropped and even I was sad about it. A day would come along and I would be in the mood. Before I would get a chance to act on it with my Dh he would get crabby with me or the kids, or make some non loving remarks. Guess what? The lovin feelin was gone! just like that, I would shut down. Now I may still feel like I need a release but no way can I now feel like I want to be intimate.

Not saying this is the situation but just something else to think about.

[danceintx]

It seems very obvious to me, some of the reasons for her not wanting sex as often are 1) she has a child now, which is exhausting 2) she also has a job, more exhausting 3) you work opposite shifts, meaning she has very little time with you for intimacy. This is a recipe for disaster on a sex life. Women very often need a lot of hugging, kissing, compliments, conversation, to get our juices flowing. I can only imagine very little of that is happening because of your schedules. I agree with CW and Wild, you make time for that and you will probably see a difference. I also want to add that when my ex husband would become angry and argue with me about sex, it made me want it even less. It made it feel like an obligation or a chore. I would say, don't argue with her about it, it won't make her want it any more than she does. Do what the others suggested, I think that would be much more productive.

[Guest]

What does coddling and accepting non sexual behavior and giving positive reinforcement to unfortunate behavior from a male lead to?

The same situation, i'd guess.

I can't be certain, though....I've never entertained sexual behavior from a male....unfortunate or not.